Wednesday, 2 March 2011

Getting into a Pickle at the NCVO conference

Just roused myself after a day in bed feeling proper poorly. Tuesday was the annual National Canopy and Visor Organisation (NCVO) "slap on the back, aren't we so smug and clever" conference and dinner at the Brewery. Even though I am banned due to an incident a few years ago that we no longer talk about, as ever I managed to sneak in and even stayed for the dinner by wearing my Rick T'Hurd mask.

Unfortunately, even though NCVO can't organise a piss down in an umbrella factory, they can organise a piss up in the Brewery and I overindulged.

The day started off with Sir Hubert Carrington waffling on about stuff (I wasn't really listening). NCVO always use this conference to launch their brolly porn research almanac so I spent 30 minutes looking for NCVO geek in chief Earl Scalding so I could lend him the back of a fag packet to do some proper credible number crunching like what BUBB does.

I had challenged Sir Hubert to a Knightly duel with umbrellas by the couscous at lunch but he failed to materialise. Unluckily, though, communities minister, my old mucker, Derek Gherkins did. Speaking in the post lunch gravetime slot. Which was appropriate given that he has been the death knell for many a midday meal in his time.

Gherkins is clearly an intellectual midget trapped in the body of a stupid giant.

He gave a speech that can only be described as underwhelmingly and unenthusiastically received. It was a classic example of not knowing what you are talking about. Or understanding your audience. Gherkins clearly knows nothing about umbrellas. He doesn't know much about Councils either so it is lucky that neither are important parts of his FREAKING JOB.

At one point he said "I'll be honest. I don't understand you lot and your funny funding ways. But this isn't my problem. Sort it out yourselves". Very Bogg Society.

Nobody embodies the principle of making it up as you go along more than Gherkins. Almost as if he had just thought of it, he vaguely promised to explore the option of possibly considering using statutory powers against local authorities who cut brolly funding beyond reasonable expectation.
The umbrella sector press have got all excited about this but nothing will happen, especially when it is all caveated by the phrase "reasonable expectation". What does that mean? One man's reasonable is another man's deficiency. I am sure that what most people consider a reasonable portion of dinner would not find favour with Gherkins.

At the end of his speech he received a sitting ovation. Without any clapping. There was almost a disaster as the entire conference venue nearly disappeared into the vacuum created by Gherkins' empty promises.

Then there were workshops. I asked for a delegate list for the Open Data session but was refused.

Then after some drinks it was onto the dinner. My request for couscous on my dietary preference form had been taken literally. Too literally. I got couscous soup, couscous in a basket and couscous ice cream.

The rest of the night is a bit of a blur to be honest though I am sure I behaved in the way a Knight is expected to. As in I went round fighting people with my umbrella.

1 comment:

  1. What did you think of the muffins?

    ReplyDelete