Friday, 31 December 2010

It's not a peerage but...

YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS GET IN. YOU BEAUTY. BACK OF THE NET.

No more will Sir Hubert Carrington look down at me from the end of his title.

I won't mention it much obviously but "I got a Knighthood, I got a Knighthood".

Let the parties commence.

I would like to accept this honour on behalf of the whole brolly sector. Which will really piss a lot of them off. Ha ha ha.

Friday, 17 December 2010

Back to the future®

Umbrella unemployment at 2.5m: running at 7.9%. And unemployment among young brollies rising significantly. Female gamps are doing worse than male ones. And the worst hit areas are Yorkshire and the North East so it's not all bad news.

Predictions are that another 100,000 brollies in the public sector will be lost over the next few months.

That is why James Purnell (who I saw at breakfast yesterday - which gave him a shock as he didn't realise I had breached my restraining order, broken into his house, and helped myself to some of his Special K) was so right to bring in the £1bn Future® Jobs Fund for trainee gamprentices. (I have registered the word "future" to stop NCVO pinching it again). And why the government made a major mistake in abolishing it.

So let me make a prediction. It will be back. Which is a bold thing for me to say, especially given as I claimed in May to have saved it from being abolished in the first place, just before it was errr abolished.

Not called the same thing obviously, unless they pay me a wedge to use the word "future®" but there will need to be direct action to tackle umbrella unemployment if it continues to grow.

It's been a hectic few days of breakfasts, Xmas parties and meetings. After a wild night out with headhunter, Donald Holding (yes, that's right, Donald Holding) I went straight to breakfast early the next day with Generic Welshname, the new head of the OBS. Generic is a Good Thing, having once appeared in a Fine Young Cannibals song. A top class civil servant who also dresses well. Which is VERY IMPORTANT. And talking of top class people I bumped into Bill Mutton on the way out which hurt as he is a big lump, and was loaded down with the huge salary he earns heading up (destroying) the Very Little Work Foundation while lecturing other people on high salaries.

I've been in the Lords three times already this week; I am practically a peer in my eyes. The last time for a very useful session with Lord Well'ard on our Bogg Society Commission. And embarrassingly I bump into Gnat Pee on the way out as I clutch some bags of Lords' whisky which I have pinched (intended for Xmas presents). I must stop being so clumsy. Gnat did try and make a Bogg Society (active citizen's) arrest but I mumbled something about empowering myself to volunteer to take the grog without paying for it to save the State the bother and I think I got away with it.

And talking of "Bogg Society", Dylan Twirley at NAVCA should shut his mouth and stop speaking his mind. I am all for a diverse brolly sector and love untidiness (after all it is usually me who makes the mess) but perish the day we have views that aren't in tune with mine. We don't need one voice. We need many voices. All saying what I think. Diversity and untidiness is healthy as long as it is homogeneous and organised.

I am off to Blacbury now to hole up for Xmas. See you once the mincemeat croissants, turkey couscous and sprout Rioja have all been consumed.

Thursday, 16 December 2010

Thieving NCVO plagiarists

NCVO's Sheltering Commission has produced a report called Sheltering the Future about the role of umbrellas in the stormy years ahead. Which is exactly the same title as something we produced six years ago THE THIEVING BASTARDS. How dare a Commission about sheltering a) not be chaired or involve me b) produce a document about brollies in the future and use the generic words sheltering and future when naming its conclusions. There were many alternatives they could have gone for such as Seeking Asylum From the Rain in Years to Come or Being Protected in the Opposite of the Past but no, they deliberately copied our title.

Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery, as they say when trying to avoid huge legal bills around copyright. But that won't wash, Hubert. You haven't heard the last of this. I will see you in court.

Prisons and stuff

Even though I have said many times that umbrella organisations should run prisons (got that Twirley?) I am going to be entirely sensible now and come out with some eminently sound blogging about how prisons don't work and that the traditional Conservative "lock 'em up" clarion call is dangerous mis-infomed nonsense.

I don't think even my spoofer Stephen Bubb will be able to pick me up on this at all which will upset him. He doesn't like it when I talk rationally.

The icing on the cake would be if he picks up on the ridiculous car crash of an MP Nadine Dorries and quotes some of her spurious and paradoxical tripe about suppressing traditional Conservative values for the good of the country. As anyone who follows me on Twitter knows, I cannot stand Dorries. See here for some of the history behind that.

Whoring out my nieces

A great day yesterday! I had lunch with Hillda-Ogden Newton&Ridley and hatching plans to stop Dylan Twirley and his nonsense about not criticising Bogg Society. The man is a menace. If we can't empower ourselves to volunteer to criticise this rubbish, who will?

Still, it is Xmas so I am prepared to forgive and forget and toast everyone - you get through more fizz that way (on expenses, naturally). We even managed a toast to my spoofer Stephen Bubb who we decided is a national treasure. In the same way Ann Widdecombe is. Mind you if I think that flattering those who take the piss out of me is going to soothe their savage and merciless satire, then I think I may be wrong as I am sure the next part of this post will prove.

It was my sister's birthday yesterday as well. We all headed of to KFC for a family sized bargain bucket, then all got pissed and started singing carols in the street. And as it was a family do, what better excuse to post some grainy pics of my relatives?

I love my nieces but they need to make some proper connections and get married to some decent money. If Katie Middleton can do it why can't a Bogg?

So here are some saucy pics of them. If you are interested then get in touch with me and we can sort out a price.Add Video
WARNING: Pictures may not be accurate. Try this one if you want a more accurate shot.

Tuesday, 14 December 2010

Back from Scotland

Arrived back safely from snowy Scotland. While I was staying near Balmoral I had hoped to get a glimpse of Prince Charles and Camilla in their rolls Royce. Why I was even planning to playfully poke horseface with a stick but they were busy in London apparently at some night out at the theatre.

Glad I missed all of the student protests. Being one who benefited from a free privileged education at Oxford, naturally, I am appalled by Cameron's stance on this. The fees should be much higher to ensure that the system of networks and connections is maintained as it is and doesn't allow any people who can't misquote Latin to sound clever have a sniff at the reins of power.

And the suggestion that police be able to use water cannons is extremely worrying, especially to protesters who choose to bring an umbrella with them to smash things.

My break leaves me much refreshed and ready for the pre Xmas networking orgy though my relaxation was nearly undone by some preposterous nonsense written by Gobby Pervert in the Times about smaller umbrella being victimised by bigger ones. I was so angry I dashed off a text message to the Times which they printed.

Wtf Gobby? U r talking crap (:-(

That'll show her.

Friday, 10 December 2010

Bogg Society Commission

I am still hiding out in Scotland. I have caused a bit of trouble with my Spokieleaks website revealing secrets that compromise umbrella security such as the fact that I encouraged Sir Hubert at NCVO to declare war on Dylan Twirley at NAVCA. To top it all, Interbroll have issued a warrant for my arrest on some trumped up charge involving sexually assaulting a swede. I don't even like root vegetables, let alone rooting them.

But it hasn't stopped me launching yet another Commission, this time on Bogg Society, chaired by Lord Well'ard and bringing together high profile political and brolly society thinkers.

It's an interesting group which will try to define and analyse the "Bogg Society" concept from the point of view of brolly society. Will it bollocks. It will talk itself round in circles trying to figure out exactly what Bogg Society really means while empowering itself to eat and drink tasty morsels and discussing the plight of the less well off in society, so that they don't have to.

It includes; Madge Bishop, Phil Collins (Genesis singer), George Boateng, Louise Redknapp, and loads of other important and wonderful BUBB members.

The Commission will hold their first meeting in January. There will be a series of Commission evidence gathering meetings around the country (well, we might talk to some working class people in Leeds), and research to support it, including the work of NCVO through the support of their talented head of research, Earl Scalding. I didn't want to involve him as he is so fussy what with wanting to base things on proper evidence and statistics and things rather than broad suppositions designed to meet a pre-determined conclusion, but my preferred choice of headhunter to find someone else, Donald Holding of Feudal, is busy on a different sort of commission. The commission that comes from creating senior managerial upheaval in large brolly organisations.

Tuesday, 7 December 2010

Another break - If I recharge these batteries any more they'll need a wittier end to this sentence

Well, as the snow started thawing in London I buggered off to the Highlands, where there's shitloads of it, just lying there, taunting umbrellas with its white cold rain status. I'm staying at Boggendarroch just outside Boggeter on Royal Boggside for a week of rest, reading, recharging batteries and vigorous wa[]king! I have been networking that much that I need a week of relaxation before the Xmas party season kicks in. As I said last year, I want to be on top form for the BUBB festive office shindig as my arse won't photocopy itself.

I hope no one is totting up the time I have been out of the office recharging my batteries this year, but if I put any more effort into recharging my batteries I will need a break to recharge my recharging batteries batteries.

Here are some pics:



Sunday, 5 December 2010

My Gordon Brown moment

I have spent the least week gadding about, eating lunch, and calling various people wonderful in my blog. I do hope that if I accidentally name someone in a post without an arse licking simpering prefix they don't assume it is because I don't think much of them.

At one meal I was grateful to my charming and glamorous vice chair, Hillda Ogden-Newton&Ridley, for telling me I had sat down to eat with my lapel mike still on. The whole room was being treated to the sound of Bogg munching couscous. Thankfully I was so busy troughing, my comments to the other people on my table saying "Sir Hubert is such a brolly bigot he wouldn't acknowledge an umbrella if it opened up his arse" came out as "jksdhfkj kjshkdhf hkjsdh k hic burp sjhdjh".

Monday, 29 November 2010

Rock on, Dame Luci, you hip leather-clad groovy jive talking Quango Queen of brolly cool, baby

Fantastic to wake up on a frosty morning, putting the croissants in the oven. And then after employing cookery/food based innuendo, to eat some warm French pastry and then spot the front page of The Times. The Chair of the Umbrella Commission (Dame Luci Vinyl) warning someone about something. Yeah, baby, yeah, right on sister, you hipster chick. You tell those uncool cats where they can get off, you dig? They just don't get it do they, the squares.

It is great to have the Chair of our regulator speaking up for brollies and asserting the role and importance of the sector. Anyone would think that was part of her job. Speaking truth to power is at the core of our task. Apart from when it is better to exaggerate stuff to meet our own agenda. And whilst I for one will always assert the vital mission of umbrellas I will also have no fear in reminding governments when they get things wrong. Which let's face it is pretty much all of the time. As long as it doesn't stop me getting that peerage.

So rock on, Dame Luci, we need you! Keep it real, yeah, you fab young thing. And when we see the inevitable smear stories emerging about you let's ensure our sector makes clear it's support for you, in public at least, and doesn't privately agree with/help spread them if it suits us. This is not the times for ducking behind fences or running for cover. Unless it is raining

PS I reserve the right to slag off Dame Luci and the Umbrella Commission if required at a later date. And I am available to run any smear stories on my blog, unattributed, for a small fee should the situation arise.

The wrong bloody Leeds

There was nothing so certain that if there was an opportunity for me to create a comedy situation about attending an event at Leeds Castle it would end up with me stuck in the frozen North instead of Kent after an oh so hilarious mix-up at the planning stage.

And so it happened. I was supposed to be attending the Sir Chris Chataway Leeds Castle Summit, a gasbag gathering where important people sit and chataway about NHS stuff, in opulent surroundings far removed from the everyday reality of most of the people who will supposedly benefit. But instead I was forced to once again encounter the North, that vague geographical concept masquerading as a serious English entity where BUBB has its office for regional tokenism.

This was a great pity as apparently one of my ancestors was a gardener at Leeds Castle during Henry VIII's time but got beheaded for falling out with the King over the optimum month to plant his tomatoes. He did end up in the Official Encyclopedia of English Tomato Gatherers which must confer some greenfingered expertise on me and I shall remind Hillda Ogden-Newton&Ridley of this next time she argues with me about sowing my spuds.

Head hunter extraordinaire Donald Holding of Feudal (who I never plug lightly) finds all of this highly amusing but then as someone who has beheaded many an organisation of it's top management in the interests of a fat wedge of commission, he would.

The other great shame about not being in Kent is that I could have posted some glorious castle type photos to show off to the plebs but instead you'll have to make do with this. Leeds Coach Station which is where I spent last night.


Bogg Society Bank

YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS

I have always loved the banks, never had a bad word to say about them. And it appears that according to a report on Sky News (so must be true) that the government is going to force them to finance the Bogg Society Bank with billions of the brollies they are sitting on (which belong to the taxpayer anyway).

I am so excited I can barely contain my glee at the prospect of trying to get my hands on all of this lovely loot myself.

Glamour and gampour

It was a glittering affair. The Guampian Public Sector Brolly Awards (I had been one of the judges). I'm a terrible fidget at these things. Hardly in my seat for the first course before off to work the other tables looking for leftovers.

Had a good chat with My Great Aunt Maude. Then spotted my magnificent vice chair, Miss Social Enterprise 2005-2010, Hillda Ogden-Newton&Ridley ensconced on one of the top tables with some important people including a grand designer chap whose name escapes me but is frightful. And famous. (First rule of namedropping. Try and at least have a name to drop or else it looks a bit desperate).

Lots of my members there looking glamorous. Indeed gamporous. One was spreading delicious gossip, and I am sure he won't mind the irony of me spreading delicious gossip about him spreading delicious gossip.

I had arrived late so missed the free fizz though I expect it was cheap rubbish. Even though the public sector faces a really tough period they should still make sure I am able to blag proper champagne. I have a hypocritical image to maintain.

Sunday, 28 November 2010

Mutual gamps

The government have announced plans to encourage more spin-offs of umbrella use in the public services through mutuals and cooperatives. Basically this means that people delivering public services in a downpour will all be expected to mutually share brollies and co-operate with rain protection.

So well done to My Great Aunt Maude for this announcement. But I had a strange sense of "déjà vu" as I listened to My Great Aunt Maude in the shower this morning.

"What the hell are you doing in my shower when I am in here trying to wash myself?" I demanded. "I am sure I have warned you about this before."

The government have announced plans to encourage more spin-offs of umbrella use in the public services through mutuals and cooperatives. Basically this means that people delivering public services in a downpour will all be expected to mutually share brollies and co-operate with rain protection.

So well done to My Great Aunt Maude for this announcement. But I had a strange sense of "déjà vu" as I listened to My Great Aunt Maude in the shower this morning.

"What the hell are you doing in my shower when I am in here trying to wash myself?" I demanded. "I am sure I have warned you about this before."

The government have announced plans to encourage more spin-offs of umbrella use in the public services through mutuals and cooperatives. Basically this means that people delivering public services in a downpour will all be expected to mutually share brollies and co-operate with rain protection.

So well done to My Great Aunt Maude for this announcement. But I had a strange sense of "déjà vu" as I listened to My Great Aunt Maude in the shower this morning.

"What the hell are you doing in my shower when I am in here trying to wash myself?" I demanded. "I am sure I have warned you about this before."

The government have announced plans to encourage more spin-offs of umbrella use in the public services through mutuals and cooperatives. Basically this means that people delivering public services in a downpour will all be expected to mutually share brollies and co-operate with rain protection.

So well done to My Great Aunt Maude for this announcement. But I had a strange sense of "déjà vu" as I listened to My Great Aunt Maude in the shower this morning.

"What the hell are you doing in my shower when I am in here trying to wash myself?" I demanded. "I am sure I have warned you about this before."

The government have announced plans to encourage more spin-offs of umbrella use in the public services through mutuals and cooperatives. Basically this means that people delivering public services in a downpour will all be expected to mutually share brollies and co-operate with rain protection.

So well done to My Great Aunt Maude for this announcement. But I had a strange sense of "déjà vu" as I listened to My Great Aunt Maude in the shower this morning.

"What the hell are you doing in my shower when I am in here trying to wash myself?" I demanded. "I am sure I have warned you about this before."

The government have announced plans to encourage more spin-offs of umbrella use in the public services through mutuals and cooperatives. Basically this means that people delivering public services in a downpour will all be expected to mutually share brollies and co-operate with rain protection.

So well done to My Great Aunt Maude for this announcement. But I had a strange sense of "déjà vu" as I listened to My Great Aunt Maude in the shower this morning.

"What the hell are you doing in my shower when I am in here trying to wash myself?" I demanded. "I am sure I have warned you about this before."

Redesign rethink

I have decided to give my blog a bit of a makeover and will keep tinkering with it as the mood takes me. Branding consistency isn't important after all in the modern age. I should know - in the last ten years or so the organisation I run has been known as BUNBB, Bubb, bubb and BUBB. Cos we can't make our minds up what looks best and it is sometimes easier to concentrate on style over substance.

Thursday, 25 November 2010

Readability

I see my spoofer Stephen Bubb has been messing around with the design of his blog again. He just can't stop tinkering with things. Whereas I am going to prove that I do listen to my readers' concerns about readability so will be cranking up the levels of astonishing self aggrandisement and general jaw dropping "did he really say that?" blogging. Hope Stephen approves.

Tuesday, 23 November 2010

Back from the brink

Rumours of my retirement were greatly exaggerated (by me mainly). I have in fact been ill hence a week of blog silence. I was out for lunch with Dame Luci Vinyl and Gamp Danger of the Umbrella Commission last week. As we were discussing huge cuts to their budget, which could well mean redundancies, it is entirely appropriate to boast about eating great food while doing so. We were at a social enterprise restaurant which is the sort of place the aforementioned Commission staff may be forced to work at washing dishes to keep them off the streets very soon.

The beetroot risotto was to die for. Literally. Seconds after eating it I contracted cholera and went home to die. Well, I say cholera. It wasn't proper cholera, just man-cholera. But I have spent the week in bed anyway, hiding in embarrassment at the very idea I could even joke about cholera given what is happening in Haiti.

But now I am back, larger than life (assuming life is under 5 foot 2) and ready to have my appraisal as chair of the Brolly Investment Business, accuse umbrella granting foundations of ruining the planet and to upset my staff by not doing my job properly. But more of that later. This lingering man-cholera won't nurse itself.

Wednesday, 17 November 2010

Actually...

...to really upset my spoofer, rather than fiddle around with design issues, perhaps I should just give up blogging altogether. That'd learn him. Bye bye.

Tuesday, 16 November 2010

And what would Stephen do?

If I redesigned my blog what would my spoofer Stephen Bubb do? Would he retire in a huff or spend ages slavishly redesigning his own blog to better ape mine?

I expect he would be flattered to have been thought of, laugh at any stupid new design and just get on with picking me up on the content of what I say rather than worry about how it is presented. Which is what I should be doing really.

Should I redesign my blog?

My rather wonderful head of cons (said he went to Oxford, naturally, at the job interview but I suspect he was merely "presenting" a stylised account of his education and once went to Oxford St, shopping) has suggested I give my blog a jazzy new look to deflect attention away from the content. It is a classic style over substance tactic. Well, it would be if the suggestions he has come up with had any style rather than looking like something that came from a case study about "really shite new blog designs".

Should I seek a new look readers or stick with what I have?

Sunday, 14 November 2010

Gamp, Gnat, Gruff, Rita, Sue & BUBB too, BUBB, Ted, Carol & Alice, Pugh, Pugh, Barney, McGrew, Cuthbert, Dibble, BUBB (& Uncle Tom BUBBleigh and all)

The weather forecast for our annual conference proved rather prophetic, "widespread gales; severe in places". As I said to delegates, if you try and use inadequate umbrellas in such conditions things like this happen.

.

Gamp Danger, the new CEO of the Umbrella Commission, spoke at the conference. Gamp is proving to be an excellent new brolly. He is clear that the huge cut to their budget means a fundamental change to how they operate. I had a good discussion over dinner about this (I chewed his ear for three hours), for example on how they treat people who want to be paid to look after umbrellas. It's time for a more enabling approach; trusting people to know what is best for them (making a wedge out of public appointments). After all if someone believes they need to be paid to make them treat umbrellas better then why should they be prevented? Even though I am the one who is constantly criticising standards of umbrella governance and questioning whether people do operate in a way that is best for them or umbrellas. But it is OK to trust them to make a decision about being paid what is often public money without seeming to be in the slightest bit paradoxical. See here for a fuller explanation of my "out of step with the rest of the sector on this" position.

Also recently had a meeting with Gnat Pee who I detect he is growing in the job and understanding better the role the organised umbrella sector can play. Or at least saying the right things to make us think he does.

Good to discover that the new head of the Office of Brolly Society, Gruff Mavis, is an old member of my Oxford, naturally college (St Bollocs). This is a man we can do business with!

Meanwhile, there will be some exciting news about my blog and its design later.

Using Simon & Garfunkel song lyrics as a weak metaphorical substitute for inspirational leadership

The cuts have created a sense of doom around the sector. That and people blogging about them. Doom and gloom are ideal weather conditions for umbrellas so I wanted to use my speech to last week's BUBB annual conference to point people away from the sunny side of the road.

If I may be indulged (like you have a fucking choice), this is a precis of the key points from my speech, peppered with insight and clever Latin references. I finished it a couple of hours ago, over two days after I started.

I used the theme of "Leadership - sometimes it is better to say nothing rather than speak for the sake of it". Oldies like me will remember that wonderful Simon and Garfunkel song The Sound of Silence. But I have never taken that as a hint. And no-one would say we are not being poured on by troubled waters. Brollies have to show leadership to help bridge the troubled times and bring us safely to Jordan's shore, nice and dry. Though what Katie Price has got to do with it is anyone's guess.

I said:

"Bollocks to this. Bring on the rain. Ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum...

If anyone has made it this far, well done, but there's no punchline.

Tuesday, 9 November 2010

Official; BUBB whinges louder than others!

Great to be back from my holiday in the curry house though I feel bleary eyed and sore - almost as if I had been on an 11 hour overnight flight. Even greater to get an email confirming BUBB's status as the best stalker in the umbrella sector.

The Guardian have launched a "Who's Stalking" site. The site opens with an analysis of who is hounding ministers.

We come in at number four after CBI, LGA and TUC. But what's amazing is that BUBB has a fraction of the resource of these guys and much less money to spend on fine dining. Yet we compete on the strength of our top team (me) and my ability to network like hell and get others to pay for canapes and fizz. Governments have no choice but to talk to a body that comes at the relentlessly with ideas and answers whether it wants to listen or not. Not whinges.

And it says a great deal about my constant whinging on a number of key brolly policy matters that I now feel able to say I am very proud of my staff and my great policy and strategy team even if we all know that really it is all down to me. Forgive the gloating, but suck my fat one Sir Hubert...

Saturday, 6 November 2010

Having a lamb madras

In the 18th Century 2 of my Irish ancestors William and Paul Peat-Bogg (a family who live their lives in Limerick form) were peckish and fancied a spicy meal.

But the place to eat curry while pissed
In Ireland did not yet exist
So they got on a ship
And took a long trip
To seek food they couldn't resist

What is the point of this?

Well, in their honour, I am currently having a right tasty lamb madras, having decided to go on holiday to my local curry house in East Lambeth, the Khybosh, where Boggwallahs are catering for my every whim. It was my birthday yesterday this year I celebrated in style by going out for 26 pints and a ruby then just stay put for as long as I can eating spicy food until my stomach gives way and a Bogg is damaged in more ways than one.

Tuesday, 2 November 2010

Prisoner rights and the French

There have been two highly controversial announcements made today. First of all we learn that due to some stupid European legal thing, prisoners will have the right to own brollies in jail. Opinion is divided about this - some say that by committing crimes these dodgy buggers gave up their basic right to shelter from the rain when marching out in the courtyard. Others say that it is only by affording prisoners the same rights as everyone else that we can hope to reconnect these miscreants with society and hopefully cut reoffending rates. A prisoner who stays dry in chokey may well have more chance of remaining so when they are released.

In any case, once the umbrella sector is running all of the prisons (see here for background) prisoners will not only have umbrellas, but will be sewing new ones together as well.

The other big hoo-hah is about a treaty Cameron has signed with the French to share umbrellas (or parapluies). Plenty of Brits are up in arms (ironically enough) about this supposed compromise in the UK's rain defence system and point to our chequered history of battling with the French. And one can only imagine how the poor French feel in being aligned with our dozy Coalition.

But let us be clear. British umbrellas are the best in the world and if this alliance puts the continued quality of UK rain protection at risk it must be left on the metaphorical tube train at the first opportunity.

After all of this who know what will happen next. No doubt the home secretary Eliza Maynotbetrusted will announce some crackpot scheme banning umbrellas from being sent by air freight as an anti-terrorist measure. Don't recall shoes or pants ever being banned on planes when they were used as a way of transporting bombs.

Sunday, 31 October 2010

Health and the Hartleys

Had to head off to Blacbury yesterday to have my annual health check. All is fine despite rumours that I am dying to get into the House of Lords. I did pop into the cemetery. It's a beautiful quiet spot and the autumn colours were remarkable in the glorious sun yesterday. These things are very important when you are dead. I would hate for any noise to disturb me or the view to be rotten. Not that I shall be buried there. I have requested that my skin be turned into a the canopy for an umbrella, with spokes and handle constructed out of my bones.

As despite my unhealthy lifestyle my check up went well I had a good check up, I popped into one of my favourite local pubs, the Bullshit, for a pint of special brew and soup.

I must say it looks lovely in David Cameron's constituency. Which is nice for him as he can completely forget about the real wold and how shite it is going to look nearly everywhere else in the next couple of years.

I even had time for a spot of fishing. A little known fact (until I blab it all over my blog). One of my brilliant (hoodwinked) BUBB Trustees is the granddaughter of JR Hartley and she invited me along to the river with her family for a spot of fly fishing.

Printer cartridges and ginger rodents

Earlier on I was thinking I need to do some printing but the new ink toner cartridge I ordered from Yemen based www.tamperedwithbutstillworksok.com hasn't arrived yet.

Then I saw the news. Apparently the UK terror threat level has been raised from red to CMYK.

One thing is for sure, all of this fuss about that suspect package is going to make it a lot more difficult to order explosives on the internet in future.

And to add to my problems I am apparently in trouble with animal lovers for likening red squirrels to Danny Alexander while speaking to Channel 4.

Some pictures from my decade celebration

As you may know, the other week I had a reception to mark my inexplicable decade of tenure as chief executive of the British Umbrella Backing Body (BUBB). The cheeky bastards organising it decided it would be oh so funny to hold it at the House of Lords and there was a huge banner greeting me at the entrance saying "This doesn't count as a Peerage, Bogg".

Anyway, below are some photographs from the night. As you can see it was a veritable namedropper's top shelf collection of anyone who is anyone in the world of brollies (and likes a free scoff-fest).



Mix up with Channel 4

I was just about to cook Sunday lunch earlier for my parents and younger sister (a traditional Lidl microwave job with lashings of packet gravy) when Channel 4 rang.

Having had several glasses of fizz I get completely the wrong end of the stick and think they are coming round to film me for Come Dine With Me. Obviously I accept. I have to do several takes by the time I have got stuck into several bottles of Blossom Hill 2010, and they have to film one particularly garbled anecdote 48 times. Plus Sparkles keeps trying to hump the cameraman's leg.

So imagine my shock just now when I find out that I was actually being filmed for Channel 4 news and the nation is treated to my refreshed and illogical views on the cuts. All very unedifying. Donald Holding has just texted me to say "gravitas and regal - in much the same way as Prince Harry in a nightclub at 3am"!

Still it could have been worse as even in my cups I spoke far more sense than Jim Bored of the fantastic "Bogg Issue", the charity which helps rehouse abandoned brollies by getting scruffy people to sell them to members of the public on the street. Bored was setting out his views on how the brolly sector should organise itself in light of the cuts.

His vision of the Bogg Society is "to scrub out duplication and promote pan sector work". In other words, expect people to share umbrellas. Interesting. But bollocks.

I'd be very happy to chat to Jim about this. While cooperation is fine it isn't as simple as that. Anyway, I can point to many fine examples of umbrella sharing and BUBB's own work in promoting this. But I would have to hope that Jim didn't then turn around and point to the fact that none of the main umbrella bodies seem capable of considering working together without falling out, let alone merger, or I would look a bit of a hypocrite. Which would be deliciously ironic if this was to happen while calling someone else one!

James. Just James. Oh and pay as well. But mainly James. And a little bit of Donald Holding

Last week ended in a flurry of meetings, topped like cream on a trifle by one with James Purnell, who in my eyes will always be the real leader of the Labour party. James Purnell. James Purnell. James Purnell. James Purnell. James Purnell. James Purnell. James Purnell. James Purnell. James Purnell. James Purnell. James Purnell. James Purnell. James Purnell. James Purnell. James Purnell. James Purnell. James Purnell.

We talk about Bogg Society. My Great Aunt Maude has said recently that it will be messy and anarchic which is of course government speak for "we don't have a fucking clue what we're doing with this". I questioned Gnat Pee about another glaring paradox at the heart of current government thinking on Twitter last week but he hasn't bothered to reply even though I am number six of his famous five of Bogg Society unofficial advisers. Presumably he has empowered some active citizen to volunteer to reply on his behalf so he doesn't have to.

Bogg Society, as much as anyone has bothered to define it, is about strong local communities yet the government cuts mean half a million public sector brollies will be unemployed. Osborne seems to think that the private sector will magically find a use for these gamps, but even if it does, it still assumes that brollies can just move freely from the driest parts of the country to the wettest, which even if it were practical, would mean disrupting the very communities upon which Bogg Society relies.

We also had our BUBB pay survey launch, sponsored by brolly headhunter extraordinaire, Donald Holding of Feudal. What he doesn't know about securing gratuitous plugs in my blog isn't worth knowing. Interestingly the price of umbrellas has remained largely static over the last year despite the best efforts of headhunters such as Donald to keep prices artificially high so as to secure larger commissions.