Saturday, 30 April 2011

Red Brolly Day - part 4 - some random high profile beasts

A couple more Red Brolly Day pics here. And then I will be publishing the big hitters - the real creme de le beef. And revealing the final total. First up is my old college friend (not Tony, the other one) Sir Fruity Metcalfe, a man who knows me better than I know myself.

And here are those two government chimps, Rick T'Hurd and My Great Aunt Maude. They are doing a very good job here aping people who know what they are actually doing regarding the umbrella sector.

Government department using spin to pursue its own agenda shock. And the sodding Royal Wedding

What is going on at DWP45? First they issue statistics aimed at demonising fat, drunk, drug addicted umbrella owners. Now they are having a pop at disabled umbrellas. They have released figures that say 75% of claims by broken brollies for support have been turned down . This is not the same as saying 75% of those receiving support aren't eligible, but that subtlety will be lost in the reportage, and in the public mind an image of thousands of undeserving, indolent gamps trying to cheat the system is built up. The lying bastards (by which I mean the politicians).

Never mind the laws of meteorology that determine in hot, dry weather there is less work for umbrellas. The powers that be just want to spin things to justify the massive withdrawal of state responsibility for its citizens and their umbrellas that we are currently witnessing.

Oh well, there is always the Royal Wedding to provide a bit of distraction to the hoi polloi. Nothing says we are all in it together more than one very posh privileged bloke and his slightly less posh bride driving off in an Aston Martin while the crowds cheer. Despite Hillda Ogden-Newton&Ridley trying to drag me along to some painful street party round the corner from my brothers, I decided to do the patriotic thing and visit a Swedish furniture store. As you can see below.I did invite the Syrian ambassador along as well as he was at bit of a loose end but apparently he was off to my old mate Tony Blair's gaff to watch it on his big screen.

Still, I see the establishment does at least retain some sense of humour by giving William such a rubbish new title. Duke of Cambridge? Ha ha ha ha. A far more prestigious title would have been the Duke of Oxford, Naturally. They must be saving that for someone else. I wonder...

Tuesday, 26 April 2011


My involvement in the NHS reforms is already paying dividends as my blog has suddenly cured itself of the disease it has had recently where it wasn't allowing paragraph breaks.


Everything is fine now.

This is another victory for (the) Bogg Society and patient choice. The empowerment of individuals to sort out their own health problems so that the State doesn't have to. If you can't afford an expensive solution either diagnose and treat it yourself or use the oldest health technique known to man. Keep quiet and hope it gets better all by itself rather than bothering experts. Time is, after all, the greatest healer.

I always want to look my best when denying vanity

I am knackered. I am now doing 32 hour shifts in my hospital but I am finding out lots of interesting stuff about the NHS to report back to Dave even though it will make sod all difference to what has already been decided. I am talking to people at all levels in the NHS, the more senior the better. After all, this is about patient choice. And who knows, I may even get round to talking to some patients if I have time.

I am having to think outside the box while remembering that people who use the hackneyed phrase thinking outside the box are not thinking outside of the box.

I note that there are some criticisms being voiced about me taking a 2 month break from my day job to pursue this pointless vanity project and that by cosying up to the government I risk tarnishing the entire umbrella sector by association with future NHS carnage (yes, I saw your editorial in Brolly Weekly Robin Crock). What nonsense. The fact that quite a lot of my members have nothing to do with umbrella provision in the NHS is neither here nor there. I am more than capable of cherrypicking the sub-sectors I want to concentrate on in pursuit of personal recognition and advancement. And vanity project? I never take on board vanity projects unless they make me look good.

And as for any ridiculous suggestions (Sir Bumble of Heep) that this might merely be the latest stage in my ploy to gain a peerage...the very idea. How shallow do you think I am? There's no might about it - it's definitely all about that.

On a different note everyone seems to be looking forward to the Royal Wedding. Personally, I'd rather eat Barkle's worming tablets then watch it. But every cloud as a soggy lining. I see that the weather forecast is for rain on Friday which would be fantastic. What could be more patriotic than thousands of gawping, sycophantic, deluded fools lining the wedding route holding their umbrellas as it lashes down?

Actually, I am a bit miffed that despite my K I am not invited to the ceremony though I will try and crash the evening buffet and hope there is plenty of couscous.

And if Kate needs someone to keep her sheltered as she walks from the car into the Abbey, I am only too willing to help.

Friday, 22 April 2011

No time to blog

I have been that busy in my new health role that I haven't had time to blog about being that busy in my new health role that I haven't had time to blog about how busy I am in my new role. These 18 hour shifts are a killer. But if I had have been blogging I would have denied strongly that Cameron has deployed me to try and destroy the NHS from within to make it easier to sell off the profitable debris to the private sector while pretending that he did listen to everyone's concerns. Soon, window dressing will be the only dressing you can get on the NHS and the only service for the poor will be lip service. Got to go. These bed pans won't empty themselves.

Saturday, 16 April 2011

Red Brolly Day - part 3 - the next generation

I am all for developing talent within the umbrella sector as long as it doesn't expect to take my job. Having a decent youth policy is the second best way of ensuring top quality leadership - the first being using a headhunter such as, I don't know, Donald Holding for example. Therefore I was delighted to see 2 young stalwarts taking part in my Red Brolly Day fundraising challenge. First up we have Mini HaHa, son of Ronnie HaHa, marketing and business development wonk at Casa (Cockney Area Shelter Association) (@zoeamar). He is also the nephew of former Umbrella Commission weaver of gamp fabric, spinning silk brollies out of sows' ears, Shhhhhhhh HaHa, so clearly umbrella nous oozes in the family. Second up is Bobby Tundra Jr, son of Northern social enterprise guru and strawberry "phillip" blond advocate Bobby Tundra (@TheSocBiz). He bleeds Leeds so much it literally stains his Liverpool shirt. The future is bright with such childish vigour and getting them young means they can be brainwashed and rainwashed into obeying orders and toeing the official (ie. my) line. Everybody wins (ie. I do).

Friday, 15 April 2011

A new role

Following my constant bleating about the role of umbrellas in the reforms of the NHS David Cameron has suggested I work as a porter at a hospital for 2 months. This will be a 2 month role and will involve making sure there are enough umbrellas available to shelter patients when they go from one building to another in the rain. I have had to take a break from my BUBB duties and the trustees agreed (a bit too happily in my opinion). And Dr Hector Rule has been wondering around like the cat whose got the cliche as he will be acting CEO in my absence. Or to put it another way, doing what he usually does but getting full credit for it. I have already decided to organise a dinner for fellow NHS staff - getting people together and eating and drinking and chatting is crucial to the future of the NHS. As long as we're not expected to eat the shite that the patients have to. There are limits.

Friday, 8 April 2011

The picture that launched a holiday worth thousands for some shits

Boggo (anyone who refers to them self in the third person is automatically an arse) doesn't usually disclose any dealings with the Dead Tree Press, but ironically Paul Staines and Orla Murphy's (allegedly, but I can't mention her name) budget holiday paid for out of a sneaky picture about Sam and David Cameron's budget holiday will now be paying for my rather grander trip away. The co-travellers, armed with their hypocritical, malicious, sneaky, self-serving sewer of a blog are everywhere

N.B. Boggo's paparazzi co-conspirator Dick Mandrake (@dickmandrake) will also be enjoying his time in Malaga at the expense of the papers.

Happily plugging healthily

Grrr. Not happy. All the trains were delayed (probably deliberately just to incovenience me) so I was late to a "listening exercise" on NHS reform with Cameron, Clegg and health secretary Nothingfunny Abouthisname. These listening exercises are great. How they work is that the government pretends to listen then ploughs on regardless having at least given the impression of consultation. I am all for NHS reform if it means a bigger role for umbrellas, whether they want it or not. In keeping with how he wants to slice up the NHS I think the government should put the best bits of Abouthisname up for sale to the private sector. Only that wouldn't raise much money. (By the way, do you like my new method of gaining a para break?)

I was running late all day but did at least get to an event for free wine which is the main measure of a successful day in my job. I could mention some BUBB members at this point and, why, who knows, I may even manage to spell their names and organisations properly!

There will now follow a brilliantly contrived paragraph designed to shoehorn more free advertising for Donald Holding into the blog. All organisations need good management don't they? Especially at a level just below any errant, gallivanting, chaotic chief executive. So why not use headhunter extraordinaire Donald Holding? He is so good that he has changed company again (no doubt he headhunts himself to both increase his salary and get his own commission) and has left Feudal to go to wankymadeupwordwithlowercaseinitiallettertolooktrendi. Therefore the strategic partnership BUBB had with Feudal has been ripped up and replaced by one with wankymadeupwordwithlowercaseinitiallettertolooktrendi. Which means basically that the agreement is really with Holding and a way of feathering his nest but don't tell anyone. He is brilliant and trusted by many. He even gets regular mentions by Sir Stephen Bubb. Far more than any other BUBB strategic partner does. He'll be posting a link to his website next.

It is important to maintain a professional approach to any potential conflicts of interest and for that reason I would never use my job as leader of a membership organisation to plug the services of a personal friend to my members any more than I would use the BUBB member's magazine to drum up demand for loans offered by the Brolly Investment Business, which I chair. That might be regarded as blurring my two roles and we wouldn't want that.

Thursday, 7 April 2011

Red Brolly Day - the money shots part 2

Next up we have the self styled Boggettes, a jolly quartet of BUBBly vivacious minxes from the Brolly Investment Business. They are led by Quic Loans (@navigatornic), communications officer. Also in the picture are saxy website bird John Coltrane (cj_parker), Dib-Dab (@auntie_debs) and Spam Towelling (@saminus). I say they work at BIB. However, it looks like they spend most of their time fooling around. Obviously, BIB has an ineffective management structure and a weak chair. Or perhaps the chair isn't paid enough to worry about staff mucking about. But he should worry- especially about Quic. She needs a beady eye kept on her.

Monday, 4 April 2011

Red Brolly Day - the money shots part 1

As promised here is the first tranche of the collection of photographs I received from people wielding umbrellas to raise money for Gampic Relief's Red Brolly Day (money channelled by Comic Relief). The cash I have pledged in return for these pics will help shelter the dampest members of society, both here in the UK and overseas. I will reveal the final total when all pictures are posted but let me just say it is over £19.99. First up are a number of snaps from good old Lester Twomore at the Brolly Lottery Fund. He really put the hard yards in and was all over this challenge like that silver stuff you rub off on scratchcards that gets stuck to your clothes, trying to get people to have a picture taken with his bright red gamp. Like one of the many deluded folks who spend a fortune on beating nigh impossible odds to win a life changing amount of money that will probably make them miserable, Twomore obviously thought he'd have as many goes as possible at this to kid himself that the amount raised going to good causes would justify his actions. This one below is Lester with some people from NCVO's Leadership Commission (a sham of an organisation obviously. NCVO could no more advise on leadership than a field of sheep). I think the chap on the right is Dick Draughty. The next one is a bit blurry - of a similar quality to some of the holiday snaps I sometimes post on here in the mistaken belief that readers give a toss but I am told that it features Rabid Thrills of the Gampdian and Lester's comms (which means communications in case anyone was unclear. First rule of communications - put across a clear message) director Quinda Lynn. The final one is Lester with one of his bored members (he'd rather be anywhere else than in a stupid charity picture) and fair trade expert Overpriced But Makes You Feel Morally Superior Tucker.

More pictures later this week.

Sunday, 3 April 2011

Fooling around

Friday morning saw me let loose on the Gampdian website for an hour doing a live Q&A. This wasn't an April fool's gag, it really did happen. See here for the evidence. I would like to thank Rabid Thrills for giving me the opportunity. However, I did see one rather daft April fool's joke in Canopy Times that said I had been made a Liberal Democrat peer. Actually thinking about it, that's a bloody good idea. Much like the Lib Dems I will do whatever it takes to gain power even if it means selling my principles down the river. Someone who shall remain anonymous (but let's just say he is a research guru at NCVO called Earl Scalding) has sent me this which would also have made a great April fool's joke. Quite how he discovered this I am not sure. I know NCVO's Brolly Sector Almanac is the ultimate in gampornography but this is ridiculous. What sort of research was he doing? I hope he wasn't researching mother's day pressies. If I had been going to do my own April fool's gag I would have said that BUBB had been appointed to run the entire government. And even as I was typing it out I would have convinced myself that it was actually true. I would also have talked about Geof Sachell's internationally recognised policy nous (ha ha ha) and said that I had sent him to Cambridge to recruit some staff just to wind people up. But no one would have fallen for that. Cambridge? No way. It would have to be Oxford, naturally. Or I would use Donald Holding, headhunter extraordinaire. The whopping commissions he gains due to my endorsements won't pay themselves you know.

Swigging gampagne and spitting the dregs onto the unsheltered heads of the poor

Blimey what a night that was. I've been asleep for a day and a half. The Queen's solicitors, Spanners, had a reception to celebrate my Knighthood (did I mention my recent K? Must have slipped my mind. They probably think that now I am titled I will have a bit of money to splash lest I am finally caught out on a libel charge. The reception was hosted by the ebullient and gregarious Gratin Maris-Piper. By ebullient and gregarious I mean that I am scared witless of her. With good reason. Anyway a whole host of brolly sector notables and my family gathered and we got royally smashed on BUBBly gampagne - Brollingers, naturally. My chair made a lovely speech where she compared me to marmite. I guess this means that you either love me or hate me but could mean that I spread myself everywhere and have an unusual taste. And as usual I see no contradiction in making a a big noise about enjoying the finer things in life while the dampest members of society, who I presume to speak on behalf of to keep me in those finer things, struggle with the cuts. As long as I mention them as an afterthought at the end it's all fine.