Tuesday, 22 June 2010

Preparing for the Budget

Budget day. We are all shitting ourselves, no one more than weedy Osborne. Apparently he tried to throw a sickie earlier as "I am scared that people may be nasty to me later and call me poohey and other horrible names like in the old days at school". He claimed he had a temperature. However, Dave caught him sticking his thermometer in his morning cuppa and told him to "pull yourself together and get ready to bash the oiks".

What can we expect? Cuts and tax rises are coming that's for sure. Will there be a tax on umbrella usage? More cuts of gamp-based services in disadvantaged areas? Let's hope not.

What is fascinating about this budget is it it is the first one for 458 years where I will not be calling beforehand for my usual wishlist of VAT reduction, more gift aid and a Brolly Investment Bank, much to everyone's relief.

Things that we already know:

Cuts already biting. Suddenly, on Budget day, there is no 12.30 World Cup match although Osborne has confirmed that the Budget was moved forward to 12.30 as he's gambling our economic recovery by spread betting on Uruguay vs Mexico at 3pm.

Vince Cable is spending the morning sitting in front of a mirror practicing his "I'm perfectly comfortable with this, it's exactly what I'd have done" face.

Osborne has dropped plans for a levy on reasoned tabloid news coverage about Jon Venables as "uneconomic".

Osborne will announce windfall taxes on people who put superfluous "u" into his surname and on James Corden's public profile.

But his most dramatic and possibly successful measure will be a windfall tax on people who were proved right about what would happen if the Tories got in.

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