Monday, 1 March 2010

Mending broken Britain with soundbites and gaffer tape

Arrive at the Tory Spring Conference session on Broken Britain (Broken Britain? Broken record more like) to be greeted by a demo shouting "Eton boys: off our Laines". Interestingly, while the conference was supposedly held in Brighton, secretly it was held in Belize for tax purposes. Good to bump into Derek Gherkins - couldn't get out of the way of the pie-botherer to be honest. He has a fabulous knock you about style but you should not underestimate his ability to stonewall on awkward tax status questions. Until today that is. Incidentally, I'm thinking of claiming non-dom status to avoid tax as I clearly don't live in the real world.

A series of Tories made vague promises and paid lip service to involving the umbrella sector but I for one know it will all fall by the wayside when they are elected.

Then it was Dave's big moment. He was very impressive, speaking without notes and everything as if he had rehearsed for hours the exact message he wanted to spin, I mean deliver. Some people may argue that they would be more impressed to see him read straight from a notepad if he was saying anything worth listening to but I am all for style over substance any day.

He reminded us that it was our patriotic duty to vote Tory so presumably anyone who doesn't will be locked up in the Tower (a prison run by a charity - what sort of a crazy idea is that?). He also said that he was going to turn Britain round, presumably so that Scotland can be used as a buffer zone against the French.

I hope to get back from Belize in time for the launch of yet another BUBB vanity project, sorry, Commission tomorrow, this time on public health. This is our 367th Commission and I am seriously considering commissioning a Commission Commission to assess them all. Hell, I'd establish a Bigger Bonuses for Bankers Commission if I could get someone to host a boozy launch party.

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