Saturday, 13 March 2010

Elegant slumming

Another week, another grotesque display of bragging about the high life. Many of my members are stuck in a dead-end existence, providing shelter to those at the very margins of society, forced to spend their days semi-damp in cluttered council estate hallways. Or by the bedside of people with crippling medical conditions. They can only dream of one day occupying an umbrella stand at a stately home. And yet I choose to show a callous disregard for the inequality of opportunity in society by hob-knobbing at palaces and country piles and unashamedly mouthing off about the good life while supposedly a-quaffing-and-a-guzzling for the benefit of those less fortunate.

At this week's We Won't Slum It, Summit at Gampborough House, although I don't like to talk about it, somehow the subject of my blog comes up as usual because I make a point of raising it. I even mention the blog of my spoofer, the witty piss taker Stephen Bubb as if acknowledging it in a pally fashion will make it seem like I am in on the joke and deflect attention away from the fact that it is actually pretty scathing and dismissive at times.

And I am pleased to report that our campaign to discredit Sandy Burnham-Drownham and his ridiculous preferred brolly supplier plans is nearly complete. The whole sorry scenario is coming crashing around his ears like jenga played on jelly. Credit must go to my esteemed deputy, Hector "one day I intend to" Rule and head of policy, Geof Sachell. They challenged Sandy to a game of scissors-paper-stone-brolly. The rules of this are effectively the same as scissors-paper-stone but with the added element that the brolly beats everything. Rule and Sachell's expert manoeuvring was an object lesson in brollying. Basically whatever tactic Sandy tried, he was met with the dynamic duo wielding a great big gamp and threatening to open it up his arse if he didn't back down.

Let this be a warning to those who try and mess with me. Don't go dissing the BUBB. Don't go disrespecting me ye hear? If you don't show nuff respect you gonna get me going embarrassing yoof speak on your sorry butt.

Finally I have been trying to give Hillda Odgen-Newton&Ridley some advice on sowing her spuds but she won't listen. My Grandad always said you need to set up a Commission to discuss when potatoes should be planted and then have a big launch party when they are ready. This then gives you the opportunity to turn them into GREAT BIG CHIPS, with which to adorn your shoulders when everyone ignores the potatoes.


  1. Right Reverend Bob Tosh15 March 2010 at 16:05

    My Dear Sir Robin

    Just back from a brief visit to Tangiers with the General Synod Ecumenical Kif Group, of which I am very proud to be Treasurer, Chairman and Secretary. Marvellously obliging fella, your average Moroccan, and they really can do wonderful things with a hubbly-bubbly pipe. Got a bit distracted at times and could not quite remember why I had travelled all that way but a dip in the sea and then a brisk rub down in the Kasbah soon brought me back to my senses.

    Still, you know all about overseas jollies at public expense, so I won’t labour the point.

    I must report quite extra-ordinary happenings in what my young friend Edward the Curate insists on referring to as “The Blogosphere”.

    Not only is that Bubb fellow still doing his lame impression of you, but now his Lady Friend, Mrs Hilda Odgen-Newton&Ridley is at it! I must confess that I had no idea that the ladies were allowed to use the Interweb, but Tempus Fugit, as we say here at St. Hubbins, when we can remember what that means.

    Fortunately, the good woman confines herself largely to matters domestic, and it is all the better for it. Apparently she has a garden, and even occasionally visits the motion pictures. She also offers us some quite trenchant opinions about the weather. Steady madam!

    All quite gripping stuff, and I will report back as soon as her next missive appears…

    Right Reverend Bob Tosh

  2. Tosh you old God botherer

    Thanks for pointing out Hillda's blog. I am an avid reader of it and won't hear a bad word against my gorgeous, "pouting cover girl of social enterprise" BUBB vice-chair.

    I must say I find its pithy mix of housekeeping tips, (often dubious) gardening advice and big-ups for that most hard to pin down sector (the "make pots of money with a clear conscience" brigade) a delight and constant inspiration to my own humble blogging efforts.