Successful campaigning

I don't know if anyone caught the documentary on BBC4 the other day about Beryl Bainbridge. Filmed a couple of years ago it focused on what the respected authoress was convinced would be the last year of her life as most of her family died at the age of 71. All very well but it contained one of the most shocking bits of footage I have ever seen when she callously kicked a discarded umbrella, no doubt as some sort of arty-farty metaphor for kicking the bucket.

It fair raised my hackles which as you know are always in a state of semi-arousal at the best of times. I have enough health problems at the minute without adding blood pressure to the mix, what with my Twitter health consultant @ephemeraldog warning that if I carry on my croissant heavy diet I will need umbrella stents to widen my arteries. Sounds quite fun actually.

Therefore I have decided to boycott Beryl Bainbridge's novels in one of those gestures that are as empty as the Catholic Church's childcare club waiting list as I have never intended to read any of them anyway.

And I shall be launching a campaign and commission and coalition (just to be on the safe side) to spread the bad word against this literary witch. The secret of any good campaign is a good acronym, at the same time memorable and unique. I have discounted Ban Outright Beryl Bainbridge's Indecent Novels Straightaway (BOBBINS) and am torn between the Ban Bainbridge Coalition and Beat Up Beryl Bainbridge.

Elsewhere on the campaigning front it is great to see the protesters against the third runway at Heathrow secure a victory in their attempts for proper consultation. This had nothing to do with BUBB but as their dogged lobbying mix of whinging and stamping their feet bears all the hallmarks of one of our classic campaigns I will take the credit for it anyway.

But I will also offer a word of warning. No doubt while everyone is distracted by arguing the toss about the third runway, the government will quietly bring forward its plans for the fourth runway and build that instead.