Monday, 6 September 2010

Hiding and losing brollies

An amusing headline on a story in Canopy Finance last week! "Bogg hides his member after Newsnight bogging fiasco" it said. I suspect the journos at Canopy Finance have ambitions to work at "The Sun". Or the "News of the World". They have probably been hacking into my voicemail messages for ages although their ex-editor would no doubt deny any knowledge of it.

Bogging is a sordid practice where strangers meet in car parks to swap brollies and Newsnight did a stupid piece on this last week. Stories about such behaviour can destroy trust in umbrellas, while increasing rust. But I wasn't criticising my members but the gampraising community for not responding to the challenge of the Newsnight programme on bogging in a more robust way. If those responsible for spokes cannot put up a spokesperson what hope is there that they can adequately put up a brolly?

This reveals a wider issue for us: the role of the umbrella in gampraising. I wonder if brollies have as much a grip as they should? There is nothing worse than a slippery handle. So I have written to the top 50 umbrellas chiding them. I love a good chide me. Chide chide chide.

On a different subject I have received proof of my influence on Tony Blair. On his Twitter account where he uses the assumed name @robmdyson brolly sector communications expert Nick Hoover said this. So the cowardly fuckwit ignores me completely in his delusional memoirs while ripping off my unique prose style.

I think it a bit much that Tony has cancelled a book signing because he was worried about people firing stuff at him, though I suppose he does at least have evidence of the weapons used against him for once. But compare this to how other politicians have reacted. My old mate Derek Gherkins has actually considered starting an illegal war so as to get free food thrown at him when he releases a book in a few years time. And Prezza has backtracked on his earlier position and now claims he WAS involved in Iraq war decision after all. He has asked people to throw creme eggs and choux buns at him.

In other news Bogg Society is still shit.


  1. Not one mention of your jovial rivalry with TB at Oxford - I checked in the index for your name and everything. Revisionism of the highest order! Perhaps we will have to wait till the "Brolly Diaries: why does it always rain on me?" to read all...

  2. Sir Fruity Metcalfe7 September 2010 at 16:30

    My dear old thing

    I bring urgent news. There has been a palace coup. A betrayal of Shakespearean proportions. A putsch to rival that little affair at the Munich Beer Hall in 1923.

    That esteemed organ, the London Evening Standard, in a piece regarding Boris’s Bikes, reports the following…

    ‘But at Waterloo, charity boss Peter Kyle, 39, said: “Docking stations around my office are full. If regular commuters are struggling it would be chaotic to let everyone loose at the same time.”’

    Charity Boss? CHARITY BOSS? Your spoofer Bubb will be having kittens. To the Tony Soprano of the Third Sector the idea that his underling, his very own Paulie Walnuts, should described himself thus to the Fourth Estate is tantamount to treason, and I suspect that young Kylie (39) will be in the dog house for quite a while. No more cosy suppers at Chez Stevie Gerrard methinks. Deputy heads may roll…

    For Bubb is The Daddy, and he does not mind who knows it.

    By the by, do you think Ray Winstone might be persuaded to play the Bubbster when the inevitable biopic is released? Failing that, I suppose Charles Hawtrey would be an option. And who to play Mrs Bubb? I’m terribly torn between Hattie Jacques and Fenella Fielding.

    Your Old Chum

    Sir Fruity