Tuesday, 6 April 2010


So the biggest, most closely guarded secret in politics has finally been revealed. General election on May 6th. This has come as a complete shock to me. Who decided we should have a general election on a Thursday? I didn't vote for it. And I think I am busy on May 6th, washing my hair or something. I'll just have to announce who I am voting for in my blog and hope that counts. Good job I have been schmoozing the possible future government as much as possible or else I would be completely unprepared for what might happen once the votes are in.

The whole announcement thing was a bit of a farce. Nowadays news coverage consists of pre-news where the story is the news that some important news will be announced later. The BBC was wasting licence payers' money by flying a helicopter over Whitehall filming nothing much and 24 hours channels tried desperately to fill the gaps. It was the biggest triumph for rolling non-news since the snow. "Send us pictures of your apathy".

Eventually, Gordon put on some clean pants and booked a cab to go see Her Madge, although the cabbie did insist on having his say on how to run the country first. What the Queen should have done is hidden behind the curtains when Gordon popped round. Or stuck up her "No hawkers, no canvassers, no circulars" sign. Or better still she should have just refused to dissolve parliament for a laugh. "One is amused by a constitutional crisis". Apparently what she did say to Gordon was "Piss off and don't darken my doors again. Tell Dave I'll put the kettle on for May 7th and I'll check Mumsnet (or Ma'amsnet) to find out what biscuits he favours."

So now we enter a period where British politics will slide even further into petty childish point scoring as every last vote is fought over like the last pork pie in Melton Mowbray when Prescott and Pickles visit.

The political bloggers and commentators will be so busy spinning lines they'll get tangled up and forget to vote when it comes to the big day. I am unsure who to vote for myself and will be seeking guidance from Piers Morgan, Amanda Holden and Simon Cowell. Or I may just treat my voting slip to a slap up meal and really spoil my ballot paper.

But the biggest possible outcome of all of this election fever is the Dissolution Honours List. There have been rumours (started by me mostly) that a certain Umbrella chief executive could finally get the nod. I am on the Brolly Honours Committee myself but couldn't possibly divulge whether I had opted to receive a shiny gong myself. Seriously, I would of course be excluded from any decision on my own due rewards and I have been asked to absent myself from loads of meetings recently. All of them in fact. At the start. So I am confident that at the very least I will get a MBE (Member of the Brolly Elite) and who knows, even maybe the Garter of the Order of the Quick Shower.

For now, the Lords can wait.

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