Grounded

I have had a few days off on holiday. The things I saw whilst boating round Iceland lighting huge cigars were amazing. But enough of that. I have finally had chance to read all of the party election manifestos and in an attempt to retain a sense of balance I will simply say that frankly they are all shite. Not a single mention of the brolly sector anywhere. And why the Green Party bothered printing so many copies of their sorry effort I don't know. It has just ended up being an ironic waste of paper.

Of course, Nick Clegg is now dead cert to be Prime Minister and probably the new Pope as well. Fabio Capello is to give him a shock call up to England squad (playing down the middle). All this just by dint of appearing to know what he was talking about and looking like he had at least considered having some constructive policies. If last week's live televised debate was the First of the Summer Whines, then Clegg definitely trounced Haven't a Foggiest and InCompotent.

Such is Cleggmania that Tesco is to stop selling sliced bread and stock Nick Clegg instead. Nick Clegg is the new black and has swiftly been exploited by Cameron in the immigration debate.

It is somewhat ironic that Clegg's surge in the polls coincided with planes all over Europe being grounded due to the ash, meaning that presumably pigs are still able to fly.

The effects of the Icelandic volcano are far reaching. This kind of thing never used to happen when it was Bejams. The UK is completely cut off. If only we'd built a tunnel to Europe or invented boats. And never mind stranded holiday makers - what about the backlog of postcards?

Darts is in chaos. Phil Taylor has been grounded as all flights are cancelled. Richard Littlejohn says planes not flying is "health and safety gone mad" and blames non-EU volcanoes. He has also called for a cap on foreign ash over UK airspace. "Coming over here, shutting our airports".

FIFA has drawn up contingency plans for the World Cup to be played via computer games over internet. England are now favourites. And if the airline restrictions continue we will run out of some foodstuffs. PANIC BUY BANANAS EVERYBODY.

The real winners are the 24 hour news networks. They can simply show cheap footage of empty airports and let the public provide the "stories". Ash is the new snow

Only Nick Clegg can tame this volcano now. Apparently he has urged Sir Cyril "Asbestos" Smith to come out of retirement to plug the crater.

Obviously, the planes need ash brollies - emberellas? However, I have to be careful of such statements in my blog as the web traffic controllers have cancelled all flights of fancy. So no wishful thinking and bullshit from me for a while. And if the planes remain stuck on the floor it will put paid to my global junketing.

OK, gotta go as the wind is now blowing in the direction of Iceland. Time to declare myself bankrupt and fire up the barbecue. Revenge will be sweet.