Rock on, Dame Luci, you hip leather-clad groovy jive talking Quango Queen of brolly cool, baby

Fantastic to wake up on a frosty morning, putting the croissants in the oven. And then after employing cookery/food based innuendo, to eat some warm French pastry and then spot the front page of The Times. The Chair of the Umbrella Commission (Dame Luci Vinyl) warning someone about something. Yeah, baby, yeah, right on sister, you hipster chick. You tell those uncool cats where they can get off, you dig? They just don't get it do they, the squares.

It is great to have the Chair of our regulator speaking up for brollies and asserting the role and importance of the sector. Anyone would think that was part of her job. Speaking truth to power is at the core of our task. Apart from when it is better to exaggerate stuff to meet our own agenda. And whilst I for one will always assert the vital mission of umbrellas I will also have no fear in reminding governments when they get things wrong. Which let's face it is pretty much all of the time. As long as it doesn't stop me getting that peerage.

So rock on, Dame Luci, we need you! Keep it real, yeah, you fab young thing. And when we see the inevitable smear stories emerging about you let's ensure our sector makes clear it's support for you, in public at least, and doesn't privately agree with/help spread them if it suits us. This is not the times for ducking behind fences or running for cover. Unless it is raining

PS I reserve the right to slag off Dame Luci and the Umbrella Commission if required at a later date. And I am available to run any smear stories on my blog, unattributed, for a small fee should the situation arise.

The wrong bloody Leeds

There was nothing so certain that if there was an opportunity for me to create a comedy situation about attending an event at Leeds Castle it would end up with me stuck in the frozen North instead of Kent after an oh so hilarious mix-up at the planning stage.

And so it happened. I was supposed to be attending the Sir Chris Chataway Leeds Castle Summit, a gasbag gathering where important people sit and chataway about NHS stuff, in opulent surroundings far removed from the everyday reality of most of the people who will supposedly benefit. But instead I was forced to once again encounter the North, that vague geographical concept masquerading as a serious English entity where BUBB has its office for regional tokenism.

This was a great pity as apparently one of my ancestors was a gardener at Leeds Castle during Henry VIII's time but got beheaded for falling out with the King over the optimum month to plant his tomatoes. He did end up in the Official Encyclopedia of English Tomato Gatherers which must confer some greenfingered expertise on me and I shall remind Hillda Ogden-Newton&Ridley of this next time she argues with me about sowing my spuds.

Head hunter extraordinaire Donald Holding of Feudal (who I never plug lightly) finds all of this highly amusing but then as someone who has beheaded many an organisation of it's top management in the interests of a fat wedge of commission, he would.

The other great shame about not being in Kent is that I could have posted some glorious castle type photos to show off to the plebs but instead you'll have to make do with this. Leeds Coach Station which is where I spent last night.

Bogg Society Bank

YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS

I have always loved the banks, never had a bad word to say about them. And it appears that according to a report on Sky News (so must be true) that the government is going to force them to finance the Bogg Society Bank with billions of the brollies they are sitting on (which belong to the taxpayer anyway).

I am so excited I can barely contain my glee at the prospect of trying to get my hands on all of this lovely loot myself.

Glamour and gampour

It was a glittering affair. The Guampian Public Sector Brolly Awards (I had been one of the judges). I'm a terrible fidget at these things. Hardly in my seat for the first course before off to work the other tables looking for leftovers.

Had a good chat with My Great Aunt Maude. Then spotted my magnificent vice chair, Miss Social Enterprise 2005-2010, Hillda Ogden-Newton&Ridley ensconced on one of the top tables with some important people including a grand designer chap whose name escapes me but is frightful. And famous. (First rule of namedropping. Try and at least have a name to drop or else it looks a bit desperate).

Lots of my members there looking glamorous. Indeed gamporous. One was spreading delicious gossip, and I am sure he won't mind the irony of me spreading delicious gossip about him spreading delicious gossip.

I had arrived late so missed the free fizz though I expect it was cheap rubbish. Even though the public sector faces a really tough period they should still make sure I am able to blag proper champagne. I have a hypocritical image to maintain.

Mutual gamps

The government have announced plans to encourage more spin-offs of umbrella use in the public services through mutuals and cooperatives. Basically this means that people delivering public services in a downpour will all be expected to mutually share brollies and co-operate with rain protection.

So well done to My Great Aunt Maude for this announcement. But I had a strange sense of "déjà vu" as I listened to My Great Aunt Maude in the shower this morning.

"What the hell are you doing in my shower when I am in here trying to wash myself?" I demanded. "I am sure I have warned you about this before."

The government have announced plans to encourage more spin-offs of umbrella use in the public services through mutuals and cooperatives. Basically this means that people delivering public services in a downpour will all be expected to mutually share brollies and co-operate with rain protection.

So well done to My Great Aunt Maude for this announcement. But I had a strange sense of "déjà vu" as I listened to My Great Aunt Maude in the shower this morning.

"What the hell are you doing in my shower when I am in here trying to wash myself?" I demanded. "I am sure I have warned you about this before."

The government have announced plans to encourage more spin-offs of umbrella use in the public services through mutuals and cooperatives. Basically this means that people delivering public services in a downpour will all be expected to mutually share brollies and co-operate with rain protection.

So well done to My Great Aunt Maude for this announcement. But I had a strange sense of "déjà vu" as I listened to My Great Aunt Maude in the shower this morning.

"What the hell are you doing in my shower when I am in here trying to wash myself?" I demanded. "I am sure I have warned you about this before."

The government have announced plans to encourage more spin-offs of umbrella use in the public services through mutuals and cooperatives. Basically this means that people delivering public services in a downpour will all be expected to mutually share brollies and co-operate with rain protection.

So well done to My Great Aunt Maude for this announcement. But I had a strange sense of "déjà vu" as I listened to My Great Aunt Maude in the shower this morning.

"What the hell are you doing in my shower when I am in here trying to wash myself?" I demanded. "I am sure I have warned you about this before."

The government have announced plans to encourage more spin-offs of umbrella use in the public services through mutuals and cooperatives. Basically this means that people delivering public services in a downpour will all be expected to mutually share brollies and co-operate with rain protection.

So well done to My Great Aunt Maude for this announcement. But I had a strange sense of "déjà vu" as I listened to My Great Aunt Maude in the shower this morning.

"What the hell are you doing in my shower when I am in here trying to wash myself?" I demanded. "I am sure I have warned you about this before."

The government have announced plans to encourage more spin-offs of umbrella use in the public services through mutuals and cooperatives. Basically this means that people delivering public services in a downpour will all be expected to mutually share brollies and co-operate with rain protection.

So well done to My Great Aunt Maude for this announcement. But I had a strange sense of "déjà vu" as I listened to My Great Aunt Maude in the shower this morning.

"What the hell are you doing in my shower when I am in here trying to wash myself?" I demanded. "I am sure I have warned you about this before."

Redesign rethink

I have decided to give my blog a bit of a makeover and will keep tinkering with it as the mood takes me. Branding consistency isn't important after all in the modern age. I should know - in the last ten years or so the organisation I run has been known as BUNBB, Bubb, bubb and BUBB. Cos we can't make our minds up what looks best and it is sometimes easier to concentrate on style over substance.

Readability

I see my spoofer Stephen Bubb has been messing around with the design of his blog again. He just can't stop tinkering with things. Whereas I am going to prove that I do listen to my readers' concerns about readability so will be cranking up the levels of astonishing self aggrandisement and general jaw dropping "did he really say that?" blogging. Hope Stephen approves.

Back from the brink

Rumours of my retirement were greatly exaggerated (by me mainly). I have in fact been ill hence a week of blog silence. I was out for lunch with Dame Luci Vinyl and Gamp Danger of the Umbrella Commission last week. As we were discussing huge cuts to their budget, which could well mean redundancies, it is entirely appropriate to boast about eating great food while doing so. We were at a social enterprise restaurant which is the sort of place the aforementioned Commission staff may be forced to work at washing dishes to keep them off the streets very soon.

The beetroot risotto was to die for. Literally. Seconds after eating it I contracted cholera and went home to die. Well, I say cholera. It wasn't proper cholera, just man-cholera. But I have spent the week in bed anyway, hiding in embarrassment at the very idea I could even joke about cholera given what is happening in Haiti.

But now I am back, larger than life (assuming life is under 5 foot 2) and ready to have my appraisal as chair of the Brolly Investment Business, accuse umbrella granting foundations of ruining the planet and to upset my staff by not doing my job properly. But more of that later. This lingering man-cholera won't nurse itself.

Actually...

...to really upset my spoofer, rather than fiddle around with design issues, perhaps I should just give up blogging altogether. That'd learn him. Bye bye.

And what would Stephen do?

If I redesigned my blog what would my spoofer Stephen Bubb do? Would he retire in a huff or spend ages slavishly redesigning his own blog to better ape mine?

I expect he would be flattered to have been thought of, laugh at any stupid new design and just get on with picking me up on the content of what I say rather than worry about how it is presented. Which is what I should be doing really.

Should I redesign my blog?

My rather wonderful head of cons (said he went to Oxford, naturally, at the job interview but I suspect he was merely "presenting" a stylised account of his education and once went to Oxford St, shopping) has suggested I give my blog a jazzy new look to deflect attention away from the content. It is a classic style over substance tactic. Well, it would be if the suggestions he has come up with had any style rather than looking like something that came from a case study about "really shite new blog designs".

Should I seek a new look readers or stick with what I have?

Gamp, Gnat, Gruff, Rita, Sue & BUBB too, BUBB, Ted, Carol & Alice, Pugh, Pugh, Barney, McGrew, Cuthbert, Dibble, BUBB (& Uncle Tom BUBBleigh and all)

The weather forecast for our annual conference proved rather prophetic, "widespread gales; severe in places". As I said to delegates, if you try and use inadequate umbrellas in such conditions things like this happen.

.

Gamp Danger, the new CEO of the Umbrella Commission, spoke at the conference. Gamp is proving to be an excellent new brolly. He is clear that the huge cut to their budget means a fundamental change to how they operate. I had a good discussion over dinner about this (I chewed his ear for three hours), for example on how they treat people who want to be paid to look after umbrellas. It's time for a more enabling approach; trusting people to know what is best for them (making a wedge out of public appointments). After all if someone believes they need to be paid to make them treat umbrellas better then why should they be prevented? Even though I am the one who is constantly criticising standards of umbrella governance and questioning whether people do operate in a way that is best for them or umbrellas. But it is OK to trust them to make a decision about being paid what is often public money without seeming to be in the slightest bit paradoxical. See here for a fuller explanation of my "out of step with the rest of the sector on this" position.

Also recently had a meeting with Gnat Pee who I detect he is growing in the job and understanding better the role the organised umbrella sector can play. Or at least saying the right things to make us think he does.

Good to discover that the new head of the Office of Brolly Society, Gruff Mavis, is an old member of my Oxford, naturally college (St Bollocs). This is a man we can do business with!

Meanwhile, there will be some exciting news about my blog and its design later.

Using Simon & Garfunkel song lyrics as a weak metaphorical substitute for inspirational leadership

The cuts have created a sense of doom around the sector. That and people blogging about them. Doom and gloom are ideal weather conditions for umbrellas so I wanted to use my speech to last week's BUBB annual conference to point people away from the sunny side of the road.

If I may be indulged (like you have a fucking choice), this is a precis of the key points from my speech, peppered with insight and clever Latin references. I finished it a couple of hours ago, over two days after I started.

I used the theme of "Leadership - sometimes it is better to say nothing rather than speak for the sake of it". Oldies like me will remember that wonderful Simon and Garfunkel song The Sound of Silence. But I have never taken that as a hint. And no-one would say we are not being poured on by troubled waters. Brollies have to show leadership to help bridge the troubled times and bring us safely to Jordan's shore, nice and dry. Though what Katie Price has got to do with it is anyone's guess.

I said:

"Bollocks to this. Bring on the rain. Ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad infinitum...

If anyone has made it this far, well done, but there's no punchline.

Official; BUBB whinges louder than others!

Great to be back from my holiday in the curry house though I feel bleary eyed and sore - almost as if I had been on an 11 hour overnight flight. Even greater to get an email confirming BUBB's status as the best stalker in the umbrella sector.

The Guardian have launched a "Who's Stalking" site. The site opens with an analysis of who is hounding ministers.

We come in at number four after CBI, LGA and TUC. But what's amazing is that BUBB has a fraction of the resource of these guys and much less money to spend on fine dining. Yet we compete on the strength of our top team (me) and my ability to network like hell and get others to pay for canapes and fizz. Governments have no choice but to talk to a body that comes at the relentlessly with ideas and answers whether it wants to listen or not. Not whinges.

And it says a great deal about my constant whinging on a number of key brolly policy matters that I now feel able to say I am very proud of my staff and my great policy and strategy team even if we all know that really it is all down to me. Forgive the gloating, but suck my fat one Sir Hubert...

Having a lamb madras

In the 18th Century 2 of my Irish ancestors William and Paul Peat-Bogg (a family who live their lives in Limerick form) were peckish and fancied a spicy meal.

But the place to eat curry while pissed
In Ireland did not yet exist
So they got on a ship
And took a long trip
To seek food they couldn't resist

What is the point of this?

Well, in their honour, I am currently having a right tasty lamb madras, having decided to go on holiday to my local curry house in East Lambeth, the Khybosh, where Boggwallahs are catering for my every whim. It was my birthday yesterday this year I celebrated in style by going out for 26 pints and a ruby then just stay put for as long as I can eating spicy food until my stomach gives way and a Bogg is damaged in more ways than one.

Prisoner rights and the French

There have been two highly controversial announcements made today. First of all we learn that due to some stupid European legal thing, prisoners will have the right to own brollies in jail. Opinion is divided about this - some say that by committing crimes these dodgy buggers gave up their basic right to shelter from the rain when marching out in the courtyard. Others say that it is only by affording prisoners the same rights as everyone else that we can hope to reconnect these miscreants with society and hopefully cut reoffending rates. A prisoner who stays dry in chokey may well have more chance of remaining so when they are released.

In any case, once the umbrella sector is running all of the prisons (see here for background) prisoners will not only have umbrellas, but will be sewing new ones together as well.

The other big hoo-hah is about a treaty Cameron has signed with the French to share umbrellas (or parapluies). Plenty of Brits are up in arms (ironically enough) about this supposed compromise in the UK's rain defence system and point to our chequered history of battling with the French. And one can only imagine how the poor French feel in being aligned with our dozy Coalition.

But let us be clear. British umbrellas are the best in the world and if this alliance puts the continued quality of UK rain protection at risk it must be left on the metaphorical tube train at the first opportunity.

After all of this who know what will happen next. No doubt the home secretary Eliza Maynotbetrusted will announce some crackpot scheme banning umbrellas from being sent by air freight as an anti-terrorist measure. Don't recall shoes or pants ever being banned on planes when they were used as a way of transporting bombs.