OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH I am furious. If I spit any more feathers I'll be able to open a duvet stuffing business.
I have just found out that the youngest member of the Bogg family (identity concealed to protect their reputation - I am not one of these bloggers who throws in loads of information about what their nieces and nephews are up to, which Oxford, naturally, college they are attending, what rowing competitions they have won etc etc) has had his umbrella pinched. From his pre-school. Which is held in a church of all places.
God definitely took his eye off the gamp there.
If I find out who did it I swear I'll do time.
I suspect this crime has been perpetrated as an attack against me by one of my enemies, so I have drawn up a shortlist of people I have pissed off recently. Obviously there isn't room on the internet to type them all but here are the main contenders:
Sir Hubert Carrington - NCVO
Nadine Dorries MP
Dylan Twirley - NAVCA
Lord Gnat Pee
Donnie Fiddly - Divide Union
Hector Rule - my deputy who wants my job
Fab Jobsworth - my strategy director who recently lost a brolly of his own
The rest of my 4,846 strong team
Lotte Shight - British Banking Apologists
The woman behind the cheese counter in Lidl
Lester Twomore - Brolly Lottery Fund
Earl Scalding - NCVO research geek
Meanwhile, if anyone sees this brolly, whoever may be carrying it, whatever their age, please make a citizen's arrest, snatch it back, and send it to me at BUBB. Or email me at email@example.com to arrange a drop-off.