I was eyeing up some cut price Hungarian Limburger in Lidl when I realised that stood next to me was my local Blacbury MP David "big cheese" Cameron. "You're certainly hungry" he joked looking at my croissant laden basket.
"I suspect you're looking for some blue cheese" I joked. "Or perhaps a cheese full of holes. Or one that leaves an unpleasant taste. Or something that spreads itself thinly and has no real substance."
"Shut it, Bogg" he snarled "or else I won't let my top team out to play at your pathetic little gathering this week."
But it turned into an historic occasion as I let Barkles off his leash and he went straight for Cameron's crotch. I think the hound approved. Dave looked so surprised that his fake tan nearly fell off.
Cameron was of course referring to BUBB's Tory summit this week where we will be pretending that the umbrella sector can shape the policies of the likely next government. All terribly optimistic of course as they don't actually have any.
Tuesday, 16 March 2010
Saturday, 13 March 2010
Elegant slumming
Another week, another grotesque display of bragging about the high life. Many of my members are stuck in a dead-end existence, providing shelter to those at the very margins of society, forced to spend their days semi-damp in cluttered council estate hallways. Or by the bedside of people with crippling medical conditions. They can only dream of one day occupying an umbrella stand at a stately home. And yet I choose to show a callous disregard for the inequality of opportunity in society by hob-knobbing at palaces and country piles and unashamedly mouthing off about the good life while supposedly a-quaffing-and-a-guzzling for the benefit of those less fortunate.
At this week's We Won't Slum It, Summit at Gampborough House, although I don't like to talk about it, somehow the subject of my blog comes up as usual because I make a point of raising it. I even mention the blog of my spoofer, the witty piss taker Stephen Bubb as if acknowledging it in a pally fashion will make it seem like I am in on the joke and deflect attention away from the fact that it is actually pretty scathing and dismissive at times.
And I am pleased to report that our campaign to discredit Sandy Burnham-Drownham and his ridiculous preferred brolly supplier plans is nearly complete. The whole sorry scenario is coming crashing around his ears like jenga played on jelly. Credit must go to my esteemed deputy, Hector "one day I intend to" Rule and head of policy, Geof Sachell. They challenged Sandy to a game of scissors-paper-stone-brolly. The rules of this are effectively the same as scissors-paper-stone but with the added element that the brolly beats everything. Rule and Sachell's expert manoeuvring was an object lesson in brollying. Basically whatever tactic Sandy tried, he was met with the dynamic duo wielding a great big gamp and threatening to open it up his arse if he didn't back down.
Let this be a warning to those who try and mess with me. Don't go dissing the BUBB. Don't go disrespecting me ye hear? If you don't show nuff respect you gonna get me going embarrassing yoof speak on your sorry butt.
Finally I have been trying to give Hillda Odgen-Newton&Ridley some advice on sowing her spuds but she won't listen. My Grandad always said you need to set up a Commission to discuss when potatoes should be planted and then have a big launch party when they are ready. This then gives you the opportunity to turn them into GREAT BIG CHIPS, with which to adorn your shoulders when everyone ignores the potatoes.
At this week's We Won't Slum It, Summit at Gampborough House, although I don't like to talk about it, somehow the subject of my blog comes up as usual because I make a point of raising it. I even mention the blog of my spoofer, the witty piss taker Stephen Bubb as if acknowledging it in a pally fashion will make it seem like I am in on the joke and deflect attention away from the fact that it is actually pretty scathing and dismissive at times.
And I am pleased to report that our campaign to discredit Sandy Burnham-Drownham and his ridiculous preferred brolly supplier plans is nearly complete. The whole sorry scenario is coming crashing around his ears like jenga played on jelly. Credit must go to my esteemed deputy, Hector "one day I intend to" Rule and head of policy, Geof Sachell. They challenged Sandy to a game of scissors-paper-stone-brolly. The rules of this are effectively the same as scissors-paper-stone but with the added element that the brolly beats everything. Rule and Sachell's expert manoeuvring was an object lesson in brollying. Basically whatever tactic Sandy tried, he was met with the dynamic duo wielding a great big gamp and threatening to open it up his arse if he didn't back down.
Let this be a warning to those who try and mess with me. Don't go dissing the BUBB. Don't go disrespecting me ye hear? If you don't show nuff respect you gonna get me going embarrassing yoof speak on your sorry butt.
Finally I have been trying to give Hillda Odgen-Newton&Ridley some advice on sowing her spuds but she won't listen. My Grandad always said you need to set up a Commission to discuss when potatoes should be planted and then have a big launch party when they are ready. This then gives you the opportunity to turn them into GREAT BIG CHIPS, with which to adorn your shoulders when everyone ignores the potatoes.
Monday, 8 March 2010
Unmasking my spoofer part 3
Regular sufferers of this blog will know that I thought I had cracked the identity of my spoof blogger Stephen Bubb. I was sure I had him pinned down as an Australian cricketing lawyer. But some new evidence has cast doubt on this theory. Obviously, anyone pretending to be me would need to think he was some sort of God, or least his agent on Earth, and go round preaching and sermonising bollocks in an evangelical fashion. So it's no surprise to learn of the presence of this Steve Bubb in the States. I am sure it must be him.
Sunday, 7 March 2010
Tearing Sandy Burnham-Drownham a new one
The Witchfinder-General, Sandy Burnham-Drownham has got right on my tits. As well as all of this nonsense over removing the umbrella sector's preferred supplier status as providers of healthcare gamps he has overruled a DJ on Great Yarmouth and Waveney's Hospital Radio's playlist to ban the broadcast of Rihanna records. This is the latest in a long line of outrages from him. He once passed the port the wrong way at a posh dinner.
He has responded by accusing me of redefining the word "gerrymandering" and redrawing the boundaries within which it can be used for my own political purposes and to sex up my pompous outrage.
I have done what any small-minded annoyed citizen does in such cases and written a sternly worded letter to my local paper. He hasn't heard the last of this.
This whole episode rather cast a shadow over the rest of last weeks activities. The Newcastle leg of the Big Arse tour went well though there was a comedy moment when I introduced BUBB's chair Mary-Lou Havagander for a duet on Singin' in the Rain as Lou-Roll. How we chuckled.
I have also put together an impressive line up for our free love orgy with the Tory party later this month with a host of top doggers including my Great Aunt Maude and Rick T'Hurd promising to swing by with their car keys.
We will be hosting this on a privately rented Caribbean island. I want to show the umbrella sector at it's best, whatever the cost. Any suggestion that such flashiness will simply make the Tories think we don't need the irrecoverable VAT or gift aid as we're obviously minted will be ignored.
He has responded by accusing me of redefining the word "gerrymandering" and redrawing the boundaries within which it can be used for my own political purposes and to sex up my pompous outrage.
I have done what any small-minded annoyed citizen does in such cases and written a sternly worded letter to my local paper. He hasn't heard the last of this.
This whole episode rather cast a shadow over the rest of last weeks activities. The Newcastle leg of the Big Arse tour went well though there was a comedy moment when I introduced BUBB's chair Mary-Lou Havagander for a duet on Singin' in the Rain as Lou-Roll. How we chuckled.
I have also put together an impressive line up for our free love orgy with the Tory party later this month with a host of top doggers including my Great Aunt Maude and Rick T'Hurd promising to swing by with their car keys.
We will be hosting this on a privately rented Caribbean island. I want to show the umbrella sector at it's best, whatever the cost. Any suggestion that such flashiness will simply make the Tories think we don't need the irrecoverable VAT or gift aid as we're obviously minted will be ignored.
My only regret is that I missed what I am told was a cracking party (with cheese) hosted by top brolly lawyers Boats Bells & Makeweight on Thursday night. Apparently my spoofer, Stephen Bubb, was there but he is such an elusive and shadowy presence that one cannot be sure.
Finally,
in the week that we said goodbye to Michael Foot, here is a picture of me with him at the Oxford Union, naturally, in my younger days. It is a pose I have constantly repeated over the years.
Thursday, 4 March 2010
Not not gloating but Newcastle and Boris and then some more not not gloating
I'm not gloating. Not much I'm not. But can I just say ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. The report by the Humble Pie Commission into the Disclosure of Smug Self Righteousness has been published.
"Independent expert group on "ner ner na ner ner" says compulsory disclosure of gloatage 'could damage public trust'. Umbrella organisations should not be required to publish details of whenever staff or individual trustees say 'I told you so' for fear that it makes umbrella sector look like a load of squabbling kids."
That is just what BUBB said all along and it is great that our pig headed approach has been vindicated. Notice I don't mention the bit of the report that actually says that while disclosure should not be mandatory it is desirable, as that doesn't fit in with my agenda.
Anyway, it is a victory for non-transparency so kiss my fat one, Canopy Finance.
Incidentally, I have also been cleared by a group looking at expenses disclosure by brolly big wigs. Readers may remember this storm in a tea cup from last year. Basically I refused to reveal what I had spent even though I had nothing to hide and ignored the fact that a simple admission of my modest claims would have allayed any lingering doubt people may have had about how the good life I shout about from the rooftops in my blog is bankrolled. I also chose to paradoxically claim that it was up to trustees to make sure that CEOs were accountable to their members and the public while at the same time slagging off shocking governance at every chance. Damn right I want my croissant and eat it.
Still, I am in the clear and I had a huge slap up meal last night to celebrate (that the trustees don't need to know the cost of).
I have been so busy not not gloating that I almost forgot to mention the reception hosted by the Nightmayor of London last night to celebrate 100 years of the London Brolly Service Council. Hubert was there and admires my tie which he thinks is an offcut from some particularly distasteful curtains. I make a mental note to check the dictionary (Oxford English, naturally) definition of admire to ensure I am not getting it mixed up again with "takes the piss out of".
It's a grand occasion and the champagne is dispensed in buckets so big you could fit £20 worth of KFC in them. City largesse! Get it while you can while at the same time being two-faced and CONSTANTLY WHINGING ABOUT THE BANKERS.
It is great to have a chat with Boris. We have much in common. Neither of us can quite work out how we got to the position we are in but we somehow bumble along and keep surviving falls created by our own shortcomings.
And now for a short commercial break:
Donald Holding is a great headhunter.
This next bit is not a commercial break even if I would like it to be one.
Before I carry on can I remind you that I am supposed to keep a very distinct division between my roles as BUBB CEO and chair of Brolly Investment Business (BIB- formerly Umbrellabuilders) lest people should conclude that BUBB members get preferential treatment or that I use my BUBB position to promote BIB services.
Anyway, I am currently on my way to Newcastle to check out a fantastic organisation (and BUBB member) Gampcare. Therefore I won't mention the investment that Gampcare received from BIB or the fact that they found the BIB investment application process a positive joy (at a time when others are whinging that our 25 minute window for applications on Christmas Day somehow excluded them from making a bid) because that would clearly be a breach of the protocol outlined above.
While in Newcastle I will also be performing the next leg of my Big Arse tour. I like Newcastle a lot as my Great Grandfather once had a coal import business here.
Very sad to hear about the death of Michael Foot. A superb parliamentarian. It was touching to hear the tributes from his fellow politicians. "We can't get our insincere platitudes out quickly enough even if we slagged him off in the past" they all chorused. Some of them even whacked out a 140char soundbite on Twitter. Gordon Brown and Thatcher's tributes ("deeply principled"..."man of high principles") in particular illustrated that the playground theorem of "takes one to know one" does not apply in politics.
But let us not forget that this great man was but a smart suit and a pointless war away from being Prime Minister. I met him first in 1975 when Ben Subbuteo and myself went to pick him up from the station (Oxford, naturally) to kidnap him into giving a speech at St Boloc's. We felt he looked too dapper for a student event so we gave him some fashion advice and got him kitted out with a donkey jacket. It was hard to fit him into it as he was tall man. But he gave a great lecture.
"Independent expert group on "ner ner na ner ner" says compulsory disclosure of gloatage 'could damage public trust'. Umbrella organisations should not be required to publish details of whenever staff or individual trustees say 'I told you so' for fear that it makes umbrella sector look like a load of squabbling kids."
That is just what BUBB said all along and it is great that our pig headed approach has been vindicated. Notice I don't mention the bit of the report that actually says that while disclosure should not be mandatory it is desirable, as that doesn't fit in with my agenda.
Anyway, it is a victory for non-transparency so kiss my fat one, Canopy Finance.
Incidentally, I have also been cleared by a group looking at expenses disclosure by brolly big wigs. Readers may remember this storm in a tea cup from last year. Basically I refused to reveal what I had spent even though I had nothing to hide and ignored the fact that a simple admission of my modest claims would have allayed any lingering doubt people may have had about how the good life I shout about from the rooftops in my blog is bankrolled. I also chose to paradoxically claim that it was up to trustees to make sure that CEOs were accountable to their members and the public while at the same time slagging off shocking governance at every chance. Damn right I want my croissant and eat it.
Still, I am in the clear and I had a huge slap up meal last night to celebrate (that the trustees don't need to know the cost of).
I have been so busy not not gloating that I almost forgot to mention the reception hosted by the Nightmayor of London last night to celebrate 100 years of the London Brolly Service Council. Hubert was there and admires my tie which he thinks is an offcut from some particularly distasteful curtains. I make a mental note to check the dictionary (Oxford English, naturally) definition of admire to ensure I am not getting it mixed up again with "takes the piss out of".
It's a grand occasion and the champagne is dispensed in buckets so big you could fit £20 worth of KFC in them. City largesse! Get it while you can while at the same time being two-faced and CONSTANTLY WHINGING ABOUT THE BANKERS.
It is great to have a chat with Boris. We have much in common. Neither of us can quite work out how we got to the position we are in but we somehow bumble along and keep surviving falls created by our own shortcomings.
And now for a short commercial break:
Donald Holding is a great headhunter.
This next bit is not a commercial break even if I would like it to be one.
Before I carry on can I remind you that I am supposed to keep a very distinct division between my roles as BUBB CEO and chair of Brolly Investment Business (BIB- formerly Umbrellabuilders) lest people should conclude that BUBB members get preferential treatment or that I use my BUBB position to promote BIB services.
Anyway, I am currently on my way to Newcastle to check out a fantastic organisation (and BUBB member) Gampcare. Therefore I won't mention the investment that Gampcare received from BIB or the fact that they found the BIB investment application process a positive joy (at a time when others are whinging that our 25 minute window for applications on Christmas Day somehow excluded them from making a bid) because that would clearly be a breach of the protocol outlined above.
While in Newcastle I will also be performing the next leg of my Big Arse tour. I like Newcastle a lot as my Great Grandfather once had a coal import business here.
Very sad to hear about the death of Michael Foot. A superb parliamentarian. It was touching to hear the tributes from his fellow politicians. "We can't get our insincere platitudes out quickly enough even if we slagged him off in the past" they all chorused. Some of them even whacked out a 140char soundbite on Twitter. Gordon Brown and Thatcher's tributes ("deeply principled"..."man of high principles") in particular illustrated that the playground theorem of "takes one to know one" does not apply in politics.
But let us not forget that this great man was but a smart suit and a pointless war away from being Prime Minister. I met him first in 1975 when Ben Subbuteo and myself went to pick him up from the station (Oxford, naturally) to kidnap him into giving a speech at St Boloc's. We felt he looked too dapper for a student event so we gave him some fashion advice and got him kitted out with a donkey jacket. It was hard to fit him into it as he was tall man. But he gave a great lecture.
Wednesday, 3 March 2010
A Holding page until I get chance to write a proper post
DONALD HOLDING DONALD HOLDING DONALD HOLDING DONALD HOLDING DONALD HOLDING DONALD HOLDING DONALD HOLDING DONALD HOLDING DONALD HOLDING DONALD HOLDING DONALD HOLDING DONALD HOLDING DONALD HOLDING DONALD HOLDING DONALD HOLDING DONALD HOLDING DONALD HOLDING DONALD HOLDING DONALD HOLDING DONALD HOLDING DONALD HOLDING DONALD HOLDING DONALD HOLDING DONALD HOLDING DONALD HOLDING DONALD HOLDING DONALD HOLDING DONALD HOLDING DONALD HOLDING DONALD HOLDING DONALD HOLDING DONALD HOLDING DONALD HOLDING DONALD HOLDING DONALD HOLDING DONALD HOLDING DONALD HOLDING DONALD HOLDING DONALD HOLDING DONALD HOLDING DONALD HOLDING DONALD HOLDING DONALD HOLDING DONALD HOLDING DONALD HOLDING DONALD HOLDING DONALD HOLDING DONALD HOLDING DONALD HOLDING DONALD HOLDING DONALD HOLDING DONALD HOLDING DONALD HOLDING DONALD HOLDING DONALD HOLDING DONALD HOLDING DONALD HOLDING DONALD HOLDING DONALD HOLDING DONALD HOLDING DONALD HOLDING DONALD HOLDING DONALD HOLDING DONALD HOLDING DONALD HOLDING DONALD HOLDING DONALD HOLDING DONALD HOLDING DONALD HOLDING DONALD HOLDING DONALD HOLDING DONALD HOLDING DONALD HOLDING DONALD HOLDING DONALD HOLDING DONALD HOLDING DONALD HOLDING DONALD HOLDING DONALD HOLDING DONALD HOLDING DONALD HOLDING DONALD HOLDING DONALD HOLDING DONALD HOLDING DONALD HOLDING DONALD HOLDING DONALD HOLDING DONALD HOLDING DONALD HOLDING DONALD HOLDING DONALD HOLDING DONALD HOLDING DONALD HOLDING DONALD HOLDING DONALD HOLDING DONALD HOLDING DONALD HOLDING DONALD HOLDING DONALD HOLDING DONALD HOLDING DONALD HOLDING DONALD HOLDING DONALD HOLDING DONALD HOLDING DONALD HOLDING DONALD HOLDING DONALD HOLDING DONALD HOLDING DONALD HOLDING DONALD HOLDING
Monday, 1 March 2010
Mending broken Britain with soundbites and gaffer tape
Arrive at the Tory Spring Conference session on Broken Britain (Broken Britain? Broken record more like) to be greeted by a demo shouting "Eton boys: off our Laines". Interestingly, while the conference was supposedly held in Brighton, secretly it was held in Belize for tax purposes. Good to bump into Derek Gherkins - couldn't get out of the way of the pie-botherer to be honest. He has a fabulous knock you about style but you should not underestimate his ability to stonewall on awkward tax status questions. Until today that is. Incidentally, I'm thinking of claiming non-dom status to avoid tax as I clearly don't live in the real world.
A series of Tories made vague promises and paid lip service to involving the umbrella sector but I for one know it will all fall by the wayside when they are elected.
Then it was Dave's big moment. He was very impressive, speaking without notes and everything as if he had rehearsed for hours the exact message he wanted to spin, I mean deliver. Some people may argue that they would be more impressed to see him read straight from a notepad if he was saying anything worth listening to but I am all for style over substance any day.
He reminded us that it was our patriotic duty to vote Tory so presumably anyone who doesn't will be locked up in the Tower (a prison run by a charity - what sort of a crazy idea is that?). He also said that he was going to turn Britain round, presumably so that Scotland can be used as a buffer zone against the French.
I hope to get back from Belize in time for the launch of yet another BUBB vanity project, sorry, Commission tomorrow, this time on public health. This is our 367th Commission and I am seriously considering commissioning a Commission Commission to assess them all. Hell, I'd establish a Bigger Bonuses for Bankers Commission if I could get someone to host a boozy launch party.
A series of Tories made vague promises and paid lip service to involving the umbrella sector but I for one know it will all fall by the wayside when they are elected.
Then it was Dave's big moment. He was very impressive, speaking without notes and everything as if he had rehearsed for hours the exact message he wanted to spin, I mean deliver. Some people may argue that they would be more impressed to see him read straight from a notepad if he was saying anything worth listening to but I am all for style over substance any day.
He reminded us that it was our patriotic duty to vote Tory so presumably anyone who doesn't will be locked up in the Tower (a prison run by a charity - what sort of a crazy idea is that?). He also said that he was going to turn Britain round, presumably so that Scotland can be used as a buffer zone against the French.
I hope to get back from Belize in time for the launch of yet another BUBB vanity project, sorry, Commission tomorrow, this time on public health. This is our 367th Commission and I am seriously considering commissioning a Commission Commission to assess them all. Hell, I'd establish a Bigger Bonuses for Bankers Commission if I could get someone to host a boozy launch party.
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