Friday, 3 July 2009

Preparing for the worse

It is now official - there is a bear market for brollies. The FT says so (click here). A mixture of the recession and good weather means these are desperate times for the umbrella sector. We need to consider where we can make cuts, not to compromise on quality but to maximise efficiency. Brolly boffins should collaborate and pool knowledge to improve the process for producing black faux-silk. Manufacturers should collude on price to keep them artificially higher than necessary. And would it not be cheaper to make duck head handles by using real duck's heads instead of elaborately carved wooden ones?

We need to constantly keep shouting at the government, demanding support and the long-mooted umbrella bank. The government will be making its own cuts in public spending and there is a real opportunity here for us. Why can't we undercut the public and private sectors and take on contracts for all manner of services such as health care and waste management. We could even have a crack at running prisons as from my recent experience we couldn't do a worse job. Basically, we can offer average public services on the cheap - our lack of any experience in these areas should be no barrier, indeed could be a positive boon if we are to maintain the same level of mediocrity as is currently being offered.

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