What should have been a relaxing weekend break ended up with me in jail. Again. This punitive approach to me is obviously not working and I am ripe for some top quality early intervention rehabilitation work if anyone is keen to take me on as a case study.
Anyway I headed to Bog(g)nor Regis on Friday cheered by the fact that the town's name is apparently derived from the olde English for King Robin of Bog. But it was all downhill from there. For a start the weather was dreadful. Blue skies and sunshine with not a cloud anywhere.
I took a trip to an open air museum, one of these olden days working places with vintage buses and artisans and the like. But their attitude to umbrellas was dreadful, bordering on apartheid. For a start, while most traditional trades and crafts were represented - printing, pottery, walking stick making, broom making - there was no evidence of anyone practicing the ancient art of gampwaining.
And then a sign on the door of the cafe had me spitting with rage. Click here to see an example of the sort of divisive prejudice that is still used against brollies in modern Britain.
On Saturday I decided to head to the pub for a few lunchtime drinks. A combination of the heat, candy floss and low rent pub wine meant that by early evening I was completely brollied. After a misadventure with some local scruffs who tied me to a train on the miniature railway in a park I decided to make a small alteration to all of the town's signs that had the word Bognor on them by adding an extra g. And apparently that is classified as illegal though I question how it can be vandalism if the place is already a shithole. I was released yesterday with a caution but it was all very embarrassing. And I missed the final of Britain's Got Talent.
One thing I have decided over the weekend is to embark on a political career. What with all of these MPs standing down there are a number of winnable seats up for grabs for outstanding leaders such as me at the next election. Watch this space as I will be launching my official bid to become MP for South Blacburyshire later this week.