It's not a peerage but...

YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS GET IN. YOU BEAUTY. BACK OF THE NET.

No more will Sir Hubert Carrington look down at me from the end of his title.

I won't mention it much obviously but "I got a Knighthood, I got a Knighthood".

Let the parties commence.

I would like to accept this honour on behalf of the whole brolly sector. Which will really piss a lot of them off. Ha ha ha.

Back to the future®

Umbrella unemployment at 2.5m: running at 7.9%. And unemployment among young brollies rising significantly. Female gamps are doing worse than male ones. And the worst hit areas are Yorkshire and the North East so it's not all bad news.

Predictions are that another 100,000 brollies in the public sector will be lost over the next few months.

That is why James Purnell (who I saw at breakfast yesterday - which gave him a shock as he didn't realise I had breached my restraining order, broken into his house, and helped myself to some of his Special K) was so right to bring in the £1bn Future® Jobs Fund for trainee gamprentices. (I have registered the word "future" to stop NCVO pinching it again). And why the government made a major mistake in abolishing it.

So let me make a prediction. It will be back. Which is a bold thing for me to say, especially given as I claimed in May to have saved it from being abolished in the first place, just before it was errr abolished.

Not called the same thing obviously, unless they pay me a wedge to use the word "future®" but there will need to be direct action to tackle umbrella unemployment if it continues to grow.

It's been a hectic few days of breakfasts, Xmas parties and meetings. After a wild night out with headhunter, Donald Holding (yes, that's right, Donald Holding) I went straight to breakfast early the next day with Generic Welshname, the new head of the OBS. Generic is a Good Thing, having once appeared in a Fine Young Cannibals song. A top class civil servant who also dresses well. Which is VERY IMPORTANT. And talking of top class people I bumped into Bill Mutton on the way out which hurt as he is a big lump, and was loaded down with the huge salary he earns heading up (destroying) the Very Little Work Foundation while lecturing other people on high salaries.

I've been in the Lords three times already this week; I am practically a peer in my eyes. The last time for a very useful session with Lord Well'ard on our Bogg Society Commission. And embarrassingly I bump into Gnat Pee on the way out as I clutch some bags of Lords' whisky which I have pinched (intended for Xmas presents). I must stop being so clumsy. Gnat did try and make a Bogg Society (active citizen's) arrest but I mumbled something about empowering myself to volunteer to take the grog without paying for it to save the State the bother and I think I got away with it.

And talking of "Bogg Society", Dylan Twirley at NAVCA should shut his mouth and stop speaking his mind. I am all for a diverse brolly sector and love untidiness (after all it is usually me who makes the mess) but perish the day we have views that aren't in tune with mine. We don't need one voice. We need many voices. All saying what I think. Diversity and untidiness is healthy as long as it is homogeneous and organised.

I am off to Blacbury now to hole up for Xmas. See you once the mincemeat croissants, turkey couscous and sprout Rioja have all been consumed.

Thieving NCVO plagiarists

NCVO's Sheltering Commission has produced a report called Sheltering the Future about the role of umbrellas in the stormy years ahead. Which is exactly the same title as something we produced six years ago THE THIEVING BASTARDS. How dare a Commission about sheltering a) not be chaired or involve me b) produce a document about brollies in the future and use the generic words sheltering and future when naming its conclusions. There were many alternatives they could have gone for such as Seeking Asylum From the Rain in Years to Come or Being Protected in the Opposite of the Past but no, they deliberately copied our title.

Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery, as they say when trying to avoid huge legal bills around copyright. But that won't wash, Hubert. You haven't heard the last of this. I will see you in court.

Prisons and stuff

Even though I have said many times that umbrella organisations should run prisons (got that Twirley?) I am going to be entirely sensible now and come out with some eminently sound blogging about how prisons don't work and that the traditional Conservative "lock 'em up" clarion call is dangerous mis-infomed nonsense.

I don't think even my spoofer Stephen Bubb will be able to pick me up on this at all which will upset him. He doesn't like it when I talk rationally.

The icing on the cake would be if he picks up on the ridiculous car crash of an MP Nadine Dorries and quotes some of her spurious and paradoxical tripe about suppressing traditional Conservative values for the good of the country. As anyone who follows me on Twitter knows, I cannot stand Dorries. See here for some of the history behind that.

Whoring out my nieces

A great day yesterday! I had lunch with Hillda-Ogden Newton&Ridley and hatching plans to stop Dylan Twirley and his nonsense about not criticising Bogg Society. The man is a menace. If we can't empower ourselves to volunteer to criticise this rubbish, who will?

Still, it is Xmas so I am prepared to forgive and forget and toast everyone - you get through more fizz that way (on expenses, naturally). We even managed a toast to my spoofer Stephen Bubb who we decided is a national treasure. In the same way Ann Widdecombe is. Mind you if I think that flattering those who take the piss out of me is going to soothe their savage and merciless satire, then I think I may be wrong as I am sure the next part of this post will prove.

It was my sister's birthday yesterday as well. We all headed of to KFC for a family sized bargain bucket, then all got pissed and started singing carols in the street. And as it was a family do, what better excuse to post some grainy pics of my relatives?

I love my nieces but they need to make some proper connections and get married to some decent money. If Katie Middleton can do it why can't a Bogg?

So here are some saucy pics of them. If you are interested then get in touch with me and we can sort out a price.
WARNING: Pictures may not be accurate. Try this one if you want a more accurate shot.

Back from Scotland

Arrived back safely from snowy Scotland. While I was staying near Balmoral I had hoped to get a glimpse of Prince Charles and Camilla in their rolls Royce. Why I was even planning to playfully poke horseface with a stick but they were busy in London apparently at some night out at the theatre.

Glad I missed all of the student protests. Being one who benefited from a free privileged education at Oxford, naturally, I am appalled by Cameron's stance on this. The fees should be much higher to ensure that the system of networks and connections is maintained as it is and doesn't allow any people who can't misquote Latin to sound clever have a sniff at the reins of power.

And the suggestion that police be able to use water cannons is extremely worrying, especially to protesters who choose to bring an umbrella with them to smash things.

My break leaves me much refreshed and ready for the pre Xmas networking orgy though my relaxation was nearly undone by some preposterous nonsense written by Gobby Pervert in the Times about smaller umbrella being victimised by bigger ones. I was so angry I dashed off a text message to the Times which they printed.

Wtf Gobby? U r talking crap (:-(

That'll show her.

Bogg Society Commission

I am still hiding out in Scotland. I have caused a bit of trouble with my Spokieleaks website revealing secrets that compromise umbrella security such as the fact that I encouraged Sir Hubert at NCVO to declare war on Dylan Twirley at NAVCA. To top it all, Interbroll have issued a warrant for my arrest on some trumped up charge involving sexually assaulting a swede. I don't even like root vegetables, let alone rooting them.

But it hasn't stopped me launching yet another Commission, this time on Bogg Society, chaired by Lord Well'ard and bringing together high profile political and brolly society thinkers.

It's an interesting group which will try to define and analyse the "Bogg Society" concept from the point of view of brolly society. Will it bollocks. It will talk itself round in circles trying to figure out exactly what Bogg Society really means while empowering itself to eat and drink tasty morsels and discussing the plight of the less well off in society, so that they don't have to.

It includes; Madge Bishop, Phil Collins (Genesis singer), George Boateng, Louise Redknapp, and loads of other important and wonderful BUBB members.

The Commission will hold their first meeting in January. There will be a series of Commission evidence gathering meetings around the country (well, we might talk to some working class people in Leeds), and research to support it, including the work of NCVO through the support of their talented head of research, Earl Scalding. I didn't want to involve him as he is so fussy what with wanting to base things on proper evidence and statistics and things rather than broad suppositions designed to meet a pre-determined conclusion, but my preferred choice of headhunter to find someone else, Donald Holding of Feudal, is busy on a different sort of commission. The commission that comes from creating senior managerial upheaval in large brolly organisations.

Another break - If I recharge these batteries any more they'll need a wittier end to this sentence

Well, as the snow started thawing in London I buggered off to the Highlands, where there's shitloads of it, just lying there, taunting umbrellas with its white cold rain status. I'm staying at Boggendarroch just outside Boggeter on Royal Boggside for a week of rest, reading, recharging batteries and vigorous wa[]king! I have been networking that much that I need a week of relaxation before the Xmas party season kicks in. As I said last year, I want to be on top form for the BUBB festive office shindig as my arse won't photocopy itself.

I hope no one is totting up the time I have been out of the office recharging my batteries this year, but if I put any more effort into recharging my batteries I will need a break to recharge my recharging batteries batteries.

Here are some pics:

My Gordon Brown moment

I have spent the least week gadding about, eating lunch, and calling various people wonderful in my blog. I do hope that if I accidentally name someone in a post without an arse licking simpering prefix they don't assume it is because I don't think much of them.

At one meal I was grateful to my charming and glamorous vice chair, Hillda Ogden-Newton&Ridley, for telling me I had sat down to eat with my lapel mike still on. The whole room was being treated to the sound of Bogg munching couscous. Thankfully I was so busy troughing, my comments to the other people on my table saying "Sir Hubert is such a brolly bigot he wouldn't acknowledge an umbrella if it opened up his arse" came out as "jksdhfkj kjshkdhf hkjsdh k hic burp sjhdjh".