Fancy having to listen to what people actually want

It was a huge mistake to listen to the today programme from my balcony in Cyprus. Huge mistake for everyone else that is as it has given me an excuse to once again get right narked off and angry and sweary and preachy with the bastard bankers.

There was a debate between Lotte Shight of the British Banking Apologists and Milly Coinfee, Guardian columnist and author of "How to make a packet by writing loads of articles about inequality of wealth" and "Where would I be if I didn't have the poor to patronisingly defend?"

It always annoys me when someone in her position takes the moral high ground on excessive pay and a fair society. And the banking woman has got a nerve as well, defending huge bonuses and exorbitant remuneration.

In fact all of these bankers have got a bloody cheek complaining about a witch-hunt and I urge everyone to get together and hound them about their whining.

We need a proper debate on the pay of those leading organisations. I suggest to bankers that the best way to keep people onside is takw a smaller basic salary and supplement it with bonuses such as overseas "work" trips. While continuing to sponsor canape launches and conferences for umbrella organisations as well of course you lovely, lovely bankers who are not bastards at all in those circumstances, obviously.

Much better this than simply branding the outraged public a "mob". This mob is the taxpayer who bailed them out, whether they wanted to or not. They'd do well to listen to them. Why, otherwise it would be like me ploughing a lone furrow and blithely ignoring the needs of my members. I wouldn't last 5 minutes would I?? Let alone 11 years and counting. Would I? Eh? Hello? Anyone listening or have I disappeared into a vacuum of my own ironic pontificating?

Hiding in Cyprus

On holiday in Cyprus. I tried to find an obscure semi-umbrella related conference to hang this trip around but was unable to. Luckily Pepe Ohdearie has tried to set up some meetings for me while I am here, doubtless with funky techno-grime-dubstep-rave-trance-electro-squawk-jazz-disco-funk-hippety-hoppety-shouty-nonsense-bloody-raaaaaaaaaah-not-proper-music-like-Elgar club owners, that I can pretend are work related. And I will be looking at my Blackberry all of the time to catch up with the news, track emails and see what my spoofer is saying about me. Probably some predictable guff about me taking YET another foreign trip, as if it is something I should care about.

I did manage to secure stay in the magnificently flooded city of Venice over the weekend for the EuCLUTS (European Committee of Leadership in Umbrella Technology and Sophistication) board meeting. EuCLUTS is a fantastic organisation that has boosted my travel CV loads AND has made a valuable contribution to propping up the Eurozone on the back of my members' money.

Still, I deserve a break as I have been very busy recently. Some of it proper work related as well.

But I am keeping a low profile as I am fearful that if they're going to strip away Knighthoods from people who have been proved not to have actually deserved them then I may be next.

I do feel sorry for Fred Goodwin though. What will the multi-millionaire ex-banker with massive pension do with himself now that he has been separated from an anachronistic, meaningless symbol of privilege?

Sorry!

Only joking, I have nothing to be sorry about.

I did of course mean Surrey. I accepted an invitation to give some local authority types on Surrey County Council the benefit of my experience on how they should engage with the umbrella sector even though the meeting was outside the county of Surrey. Indeed because it was outside Surrey. Kingston, Jamaica is one of the few places left on my bucket (or Bogget) list of destinations for a gratis overseas beano. Therefore I said "yes, I'd love to come and chat to you" before you could say "West Indian freebie". Imagine my disgust when I realised it was in Kingston-upon-Thames.

I have mentioned before that any Councils who don't do what I want when engaging with gamps will be named and shamed on my blog AND I will get my old friend, communities secretary Derek Gherkins to come down on them like a tonne of bricks. Or in his case, a left leg.

Though I did my best to talk down to them they inevitably raised the old chestnut about the brolly sector needing to get its act together and how we shouldn't naturally assume we are good simply because we are the umbrella sector. Heaven forbid. Recognising this is one of the many things that we are so much better at than any other sector.

We sometimes lose good friends and allies by bad behaviour. When I say we I mean I. And it's no good pretending that what we always do is brilliant even though I act as if everything I do is.

After that it was off to the House of Lords for a reception (25 years of some journal or other...honestly, these organisations that use an arbitrary amount of time in existence such as a quarter of century as the basis for spurious anniversary blow outs, eh?) simply to set up a knowing witty aside to my spoofer Sir Stephen Bubb along the lines of "if I spend any more time in there they'll assume the peerage has finally been bestowed" as if I am in on the whole joke rather than it's unwilling butt.

Support the Lords!

Thankfully the House of Lords has kicked out some of the more distasteful elements of the government's welfare reforms, even if they did so using terms like "If we are going to rob the poor to pay the rich, then we enter into a different form of morality," which from an institution that still contains some people who are only there because their ancestors did exactly that in the past is a bit rich.

The Lords deserve our support. Not least because there is bugger all use me working so hard to get a peerage if it isn't going to mean much in a few years.

Clearing out?

I was going to blog about having a right good New Year clear out but when having a right good New Year clear out (it's when I do all my best thinking) I remembered this blog post from two years ago about having a right good clear out so it would be easier for me if you just read that.

Sometimes I can't bear to throw papers away so I redistribute to grateful office staff to wipe their arses on when they have their own good clear out. But the amount of shit in my office from my free jollies around the world is growing to ridiculous levels. I am constipated by memorabilia and I can reveal that the real reason for me moving into Sir Hubert's box room later this year is that I plan to stash some of my artifacts in his loft and shed without him noticing.

Oh, and anyone want to see a photo of me looking all twee and 1970s, full of youthful promise, exuberance, ready to change the world and battle the establishment rather than becoming part of it?

Thought not.

Justifying leadership

A fascinating documentary on King George V on Tuesday. No one would claim George as a great intellect. He was a terrible father heading up a dysfunctional family of benefit scroungers and more interested in shooting books than reading animals. He was, however, an incredibly good leader. Why?

Because despite his obvious flaws he stuck around for ages and no one was able to get rid of him, whether they wanted to or not. Longevity in the face of performance is the key to successful leadership.

His leadership style was based on a sound common sense approach (I can't believe I am writing this shite. Leadership style? He sat in a Palace while others ran the country) and a gut instinct for handling difficult situations such as what to have for dinner. These are, in fact, key leadership attributes. I've often been struck by how important a role instinct plays in making decisions as a CEO. Or to put it another way, blind faith in one's own abilities at the exclusion of what others say if it suits ones own agenda best.

I can point to a number of occasions when the logic or advice I received pointed to a particular decision but I knew it wasn't quite right. Even when it was. Now this is not to suggest you ignore all advice or press ahead regardless but it is to suggest you must be bold , pig headed, brash, pompous, self-righteous and trust your own judgement. Then bluff, blag and bluster when it all goes wrong or let others clear up the mess

Bearing in mind what I have said it would be somewhat ironic if I now commented that I was off to see someone at the Local Government Association and tell them exactly what to do. But you know me, riddled with contradiction. I don't know how I do it, must be pure instinct that I am right. I should be the Pope. In fact if that peerage doesn't come through soon I may try out for the Vatican.

Looking ahead in 2012

The umbrella sector faces a great many challenges this year. But rest assured that I will be at the forefront of fighting the corner of brollies everywhere as I press ahead with my efforts to gain a peerage. Sir Hubert and I will be united in our desire to win the race to wear ermine first though those that say we will merge into a single peer, Lord Boggrington of Kings Cross, are way off the mark. We intend to share our robes of state but not stitch them together.

And amidst all the gloom of cuts etc we can at least look forward to nice bright shiny distractions such as the Olympics and the Diamond jubilee to make us forget all the shit. A damp early June and August will see a great boost for UK umbrellas as the eyes of the world will be on us. And more importantly it is BUBB's 25th anniversary, so what better excuse for a year of champagne fuelled trough outs and self congratulatory rhetoric? Our backs won't pat themselves you know.

Happy New Year