Why am I in the Philippines?

Somehow I have wangled a free trip to Manila on the premise of me being an expert on social enterprise. I was described as a leading UK social entrepreneur by the Manila Star so it must be true. Even though it isn't.

Why did they ask me to go when my deputy chair Hillda Ogden-Newton&Ridley is eminently more qualified. And nicer to look at. Perhaps because she was busy doing her job and things.

On reflection, though, if it refers to my uncanny and enterprising ability to go to as many social events as possible while pretending to do my job then fair enough. Otherwise I am not sure how I am representing the interests of my members, some of whom aren't even arsed about the social enterprise bandwagon that I wholeheartedly travel in while presuming to speak on behalf of the whole brolly sector about it.

Not sure there is anything I can teach people who have been enterprising enough to sell products about social entrepeneurialship. It's a self fulfilling movement in many ways.

Just a shame I missed a chance to have a ding dong with Paxman on Newsnight about something of far more relevance to most of my members - government plans to force young people to volunteer to use umbrellas in the hope they won't be as naughty in future. I expect Hector Rule did a good job though. I must stop leaving the country in the time it takes someone to say "free foreign beano" or people will assume that it is him really running BUBB.

Re-finding my moral mojo

These riots have had one good outcome. They have reinvigorated my enthusiasm for doing my job properly on behalf of my members. Instead of swanning around engaging on vanity projects for Dave I have been sticking up for brollies that were looted or who those who are trying to shelter the dampest members of society even though their numbers are being cut.

I have been speaking unusual good sense about how we should respond in a positive, constructive manner rather than just handing out irrational, unfair populist justice and flinging people into prison to slake the thirst of those seeking revenge. Mind you, a boost to prison numbers would increase the chances of the brolly sector running prisons which you may recall was a particular hobby horse of mine a couple of years ago. And Dylan Twirley is buggering off from NAVCA so won't be around to get all arsey with me and bring up such trivial matters as umbrella law.

I have been writing letters to the PM and everything although I expect he will be too busy to read them what with cutting short various holidays (official statistics show that he has now spent more time returning from holiday than he has being on a break or doing his job), stopping the riots with his bare hands, jerking off blame, and only today single-handedly taking on Gaddafi armed only with immense moral leadership and Libyarating an entire country. Nearly. What a guy.

As an aside I heard that he has blamed the Tripoli riots on the moral collapse of Libya's sick society, single parents and EU human rights legislation. I wonder if he'll give Gaddafi a second chance?

Oh, and BUBB has also launched a new commission on the unemployment of young brollies. This is the 48,748th Commission launched during my time as CEO and if we'd staffed and formed them all with unemployed young people rather than the usual trough guzzling suspects we'd have solved the problem of disaffected, disillusioned, hopeless and hapless youth by ourselves. Mind you, no one can say we haven't kept young people busy by ensuring there have been plenty of opportunities for them to peel spuds, make canapes, pour fizz and clean up the mess afterwards, for cash approaching the minimum wage, at our many launch parties.

And as a symbol of someone who has had his youthful promise cruelly halted as the job he craved was snatched from his grasp , what better person to chair this latest waffle wagon of speaking on behalf of others whether they want us to or not (and certainly don't ask them to take part) than Rabid Megagrand MP?

Moral collapse of our sick society

I thought it was all soundbite politics from knee jerk jerks but then I saw this distressing sight. Hanging is too good for people who abandon gamps like this.

Red brollies under the bed!

Some twatty MP has accused the National Truss and CPRU (Council for Protection of Rural Umbrellas) of harbouring "left wingers"! These are venerable national institutions we are talking about. They are indeed national treasures run by rather marvellous staff and volunteers. But harbouring Andy Sinton, Tony Galvin, Stewart Downing, John Robertson, John Barnes, Eddie Gray etc? I don't think so.

Not that there is anything wrong with communism as long as it is diluted with a touch of fizzy hypocrisy. I should know what with being a true gampagne socialist - the Brollinger Bolshevik.

The seven deadly Sir Robin Bogg myths

Umbrellas have been highlighting the impact that cuts in government funding are having on sheltering the most vulnerable people in society. And some bloggers, politicians and columnists have made statements about brollies that are wrong. Earl Scalding at NCVO calls them myths and has set himself up as a myth buster, presumably harbouring some Bill Murray/Dan Ackroyd delusion.

So I just wanted to set the record straight. There are no myths. The existence of myths is a myth. Just because so called facts are repeated to fit agendas when they are incorrect does not make them myths. Perception is very important and as long as people believe things are true that is the main thing. For example, consider how I have recently been portrayed all over the media as a brolly sector expert. It has become an established fact, entrenched by appearing all over the media as a brolly sector expert. People see me on the TV labelled as an expert so ask me to appear on something else and give an opinion, regardless of whether I am an expert or not. Self perpetuation in glorious action (also known as the Taxpayers' Alliance effect).

It is vital that this myth about so called myths is debunked as being a myth otherwise it will have an impact on decision making. As in people making decisions that may affect my career. But if there were any of these so called mythical myths, it would probably be the seven listed below.

Myth #1: Sir Robin Bogg lives off government handouts

This is simply not true. While I have whored my Knighthood around shamelessly to boost my profile, I also live off endless free fizz and canapes blagged at networking events, and lunches with bankers (who are all evil apart from when they feed me).

Myth #2: Sir Robin Bogg funded by government isn't a ‘real’ brolly sector expert

Again, this is not true. I am quite capable of proclaiming to be an expert on whatever I choose irrespective of who is asking me to produce, for example, a report on the health service and brollies.

Myth #3: Sir Robin Bogg doesn't pay any tax

Simply not true. I do pay tax, especially when I can fiddle it through expenses and I am a darn sight better at tipping Italian waitresses than my mate Dave, for instance, especially when the tip goes on expenses as well.

Myth #4: Sir Robin Bogg isn't playing his part in dealing with the deficit

More bollocks. No one has worked harder than me at talking the umbrella sector into the blackest scenario that can possibly be painted to put themselves into a position where they can be seen to be the saviour of umbrellas everywhere.

Myth #5 Sir Robin Bogg can just fundraise his way out of trouble

In theory yes, but can I actually be arsed?

Myth #6 Sir Robin Bogg is just sitting on massive piles of cash

Piffle. Yes I am sitting on massive piles but I have ointment for that. This perception that I am accumulating personal wealth from a career built on the back of the dampest members of society is simply not true and I will repeat that statement from the porch of either of my two houses or from any of my many foreign holidays.

Myth #7 Sir Robin Bogg works for free, so what does he need your money for?

More cock and arse. Yes volunteering is very important and the brolly sector is indebted to the number of gamps getting wet for no reward. But this idea that I myself volunteer without recompense is a nonsense. Voluntary positions such as chairing things are only worth doing if there is payment.

A new mophead at Brolly Investment!

After headhunting guru Donald Holding (who else?) who has no personal connection with me whatsoever spent literally minutes thumbing through a few CVs and working out which one gave him the biggest commission potential we have appointed Donovan Wingdings as new chief executive of Brolly Investment Business. This was mainly because by having the same first name as the previous incumbent it makes things a bit easier (it's lucky we didn't end up with the Mellow Yellow troubadour. Or child molesting pop impresario Donovan Kong) and he does seem to know about finance and things (not that I would know) though the fact he didn't go to Oxford, naturally, will doubtless come back to haunt us.

Until Donovan MkII starts in September it is left to me to constantly bang the drum for brolly lending to all of my members whether it is appropriate for them or not and with no apparent conflict of interest between my two distinct roles as chair of BIB and CEO of BUBB.

The alternative Graham Norton set..

I have returned from a few days off sulking in Blacbury. Blacbury is only a few miles away from Chipping Norton and the so called Chipping Norton set of liars and mover and shakers. It is a great shame that Cameron, Brooks and Elizabeth Murdoch have been plotting and scheming and manipulating power while lunching and horse riding and haven't included me.

We need to reclaim Chippy for the people (calling it Chippy should help enormously for a start I think). When I say people I don't mean normal people obviously. We don't want chavs in the Cotswolds - they need to be kept in their ghettoes where we can patronise them for the good of our own careers with promises of cheap brollies. What I mean are either other brolly sector important people like Duncan Gormless of the Brolly Emergency Committee or normal down to earth folk who unlike Murdoch' s evil empire don't seek to wield power by spreading propaganda through barely disguised lies and unsubstantiated stories. Like the Archbishop of Canterbury

It makes my flesh crawl to think that my favourite pub in the area was the scene recently of a tryst between Rupert and Rebekah and I wasn't invited for a menage a trois. I shall be writing to Rupert today inviting him and his gang of criminals to crash on the floor of my box room at Sir Hubert's gaff when I am forced to move there next year.

Still sulking

Not blogging at the minute, haven't posted for a week, I refuse to talk about the highly publicised change in my domestic arrangements. And my spoofer Sir Stephen Bubb has been strangely quiet as well.

I hope he's alright and hasn't stockpiled five years' supply of couscous and croissants and boarded himself up in his Lambeth garret to read up on squatter's rights.