Pearls about swine

I must say it was a huge shock to find out about swine flu yesterday. I had heard people talking about something but assumed mentions of “pigs” and “flew” were just my staff discussing the fact that it will indeed take pork to be airborne before I ever resign. So to hear that we are ALL GOING TO DIE was a major shock. Why has this been kept so quiet? You would have thought the papers would have said something, but no, not a word.

Once I had established the situation I immediately set about preparing BUBB’s emergency response plan. I have locked myself in the office and won’t be leaving until I get the government leaflet telling us what to do. I have issued an order banning tortilla chips and fajitas and I’ve sacked our office handyman, Carlos.

Now is not the time to apportion blame for how this thing started in the first place but I have heard a rumour that it is all Susan Boyle’s fault for spreading it like wildfire on FluTube.

We are being told not to panic but I disagree. When faced with such a pandemic, panic is exactly what is required and lots of it. The media has a role to play here and really must up its game so that the right amount of misinformation is spread as quickly as possible.

We need immediate stockpiling of natty blue masks so as to create a black economy in them when things really get hairy. This will give a boost to growth and help ease us out of recession.

And we need to send round government agents wearing sombreros and carrying bacon sandwiches to ratchet up the tension.

I have put all these ideas and more in a paper that I will send to James, as well as ideas on the role umbrellas can play in shielding people from the spread of gems. Hector and Fab have suggested that I also post a copy to the WHO (the exact phrase was “send it someone who gives a shit”). But quite why Pete Townshend and Roger Daltrey would want to see it I don’t know. How will they respond? Write a rock opera? Swinerophenia? Power chords can solve a lot of problems but are no substitute for proper medical attention.