Which party conference am I at this week? It's hard to tell the difference when you listen to the speeches

Now in Liverpool. More networking and speaking bollocks to truth and those not in power.

Did some media on the Desmond health lottery which I think is a disgrace and tell anyone who will listen about it thus giving it loads of free publicity. How dare someone try and pretend to care about those less fortunate than them in a hollow gesture designed to further his own career. As a direct competitor It will divert money from the National Lottery and there is no place for competition or lotteries in health matters. Unless I am talking about competition and the lottery it will make of the NHS in MY recent report in which case it is perfectly OK and definitely not a dirty word.

We had a joint BUBB-NCVO fringe event (to which Sir Hubert was obviously banned for not being in possession of one. I will never tire of that joke) and had a speech from the great God Megagrand, brother of the man who should have become Labour leader, about our sector's role. He is most effective and talks about how he feels he is "coming home" as his first job was as brolly sector Minister. And he made the most charming remarks about yours truly (he didn't).

Shame he didn't give me a mention in his keynote speech yesterday. He did helpfully point out that he wasn't Tony Blair though he'd better not forget my influence on his career like Tony has if he wants to avoid being compared to him in future. I invented Tony Blair when we were at Oxford, naturally, and single-handedly put God on the first rung to not becoming Prime Minister and he'd do well to remember that.

I thought he made some good points about ending the UK's fast buck culture, which I have already had printed onto T-Shirts and have been selling for £20 a pop. And I thought it was helpful for a man with a vested interest in being seen to tackle vested interests say he was going to tackle vested interests. I deplore vested interests, personally, except the ones that help me.

Hector Rule spoke for the sector in saying at times of gloom we should also remember to have fun and keep our spirits up! Which will come as a great tonic to all the poor broken brollies struggling to make spokes meet that we are supposed to be representing. I mean, it's all very well to let your hair down, but it's even better to brag about it in a way that may be construed as insensitive.

And with that I took to the stage with the rest of the Boggleg Beatles band, the Fab Jobsworth Four. We did a great version of Rain (naturally), I Wanna Hold Your Handle and Lady Gampdonna.

Then there were some requests from the Twitter crowd:

Here Comes the Sun/Rain/Sun, Happiness Ain't a Worn Gamp and the Rubber Parasoul album in its entirety - @scottishwampa

While My Gutter Gently Weeps - @ephemeraldog

Umbrell-i Umbrell-a - @br1mcg

Brollythene Pam - @DRstarT

Helter Shelter - @matthewjrudd

Norwegian Wood-handled Umbrella (This Gamp has Flown) - @domweinberg

And we finished with me belting out "I am the Boggman, I am the Boggman, I am shameless".

Haven't blogged for ages

Have been too busy not spending time in the office and grudgingly collaborating with NCVO on events, including organising a riot to show our displeasure at the government response to the riots. On the plus side we have now a greater canape budget but on the negative I can't belch without consulting Sir Hubert. And we spend more time stating that we are NOT going to merge, despite the fact I will soon be sleeping in his box room, than we do discussing the things the events are about. Not that content matters. An event should stand solely by being an event. And by the quality of the free troughing opportunities.

I have spent time swanning around the Lib Dem conference. God knows why as they are about as effective in the Coalition as homeopathic medicine but it is a good excuse for networking. And networking is important. I have justified many a meaningless jolly with networking. It is what sets us apart from the animals. Actually, knowing what sets us apart from the animals is what sets us apart from the animals. And knowing that knowing what sets us apart from the animals is what sets us apart from the animals is what sets us apart from the animals. And couscous.

I also managed to squeeze in yet another jaunt to Europe (Naples this time) to discuss high end issues of European importance on social investment. Not that any of it will matter when the Euro dies and Europe collapses into the pit of its own bureaucracy but no one will be able to accuse me of not doing my best to prop up a moribund currency with members' money on trips of marginal importance to them.

And on a final note as if I didn't have enough to worry about I see the Umbrella Commission, the regulator, is looking for umbrellas to advise themselves and for organisations like BUBB to help do their job for them. Anyway, got to go as Dame Luci Vinyl needs her cushions plumping and Gamp Danger wants his arse wiping. With Dame Luci's cushions. Or it could be the other way round.

Away again

Surely I am not off speaking at yet ANOTHER overseas conference, this time in Crack Off, Poland? I bet my members can feeeeeeeeeeeeel the value.

Getting to Crack Off in the luxury and style I am accustomed is not as easy as you might think. Or indeed I thought when I accepted the invitation. There is only an Easyjet flight direct. This leaves at 6am and I refuse to get up early, not when I can fly to Warsaw and get the train and speed through the Polish countryside whilst taking a leisurely dinner in dining car. Unfortunately the train journey took 3 days, there was no food and I had to get out at one point and help push. What's the point of me gadding about Europe talking about things of marginal concern to most umbrellas if I don't get a decent feed? Still I am sure my members will be cheered by the fact I have posted some nice holiday snaps on my blog for them to look at while they get on with their boring jobs helping people.

Have I no shame?

When it comes to talking about bankers that is. All evil, bonus-grabbing, state subsidised bastards. Especially that Uneven Blister, CEO of RBS. Except, of course, when they are speaking at and sponsoring BUBB's annual conference. Then they're OK and I am quite happy to give them a platform for their views AND charge my members for the privilege of hearing them.

Back from an extended break in the Philippines where I have been plugging the resort of Donald Holding's Gampkido (an ancient martial art involving umbrellas) partner like some tawdry travel brochure with pictures on my blog (makes a change from plugging Donald's headhunting services I suppose).

I was shown round my new lodgings with Sir Hubert yesterday and I have a fold up bed in a box room. Apparently there are plans to move other umbrella sector leaders in to form some sort of a hub. And we all know how the last hubs worked out don't we. Ridiculous idea. I think we can all get together and agree that collaboration doesn't work unless it is on my terms.

Oh, and was delighted to see Private Eye completely taken in by the blog of my spoofer, Sir Stephen Bubb, doing their own piss take seemingly without realising it is in itself a clever parody of my own chaotic online ramblings. I should be angry about this I suppose but I will don my thickest skin and treat it like the honour it clearly isn't. After all, all publicity is good publicity even the bad publicity.