The undeserving poor quality brollies

One of the more reprehensible features of the recent debate on cuts has been the emergence of those who believe that poor quality brollies deserve to suffer.

My recent lecture (did I tell you about my lecture? It was very good. No, not good, long) reminded members that not so long ago many people believed there were deserving and undeserving umbrellas. And anyone listening to a recent Any Questions would have heard the revolting modern expression of this by Dingo Starr, a man of whom it is hard to think of anything other than crazed loon historian.

Poor quality brollies do not shirk work, they just need support to enable them to provide adequate shelter. There is a real problem that many umbrellas in deprived areas are being painted as workshy idlers scrounging off their owners and not doing a proper day's rain protection. Sure, some do try and hide away in the corner for fear of getting wet but they are a small minority. If we're looking for brollies not pulling their weight and contributing to the UK much better to focus on the expensive ones who avoid British rainfall by sheltering in tax havens.

Testing times indeed for the umbrella sector but we are up for the challenge. Indeed the situation seems to have brought the best out of me. It is as if I have suddenly remembered what my job is - representing the interests of umbrellas and NOT myself. It may make for less of a car crash of a blog but so be it. I expect my spoofer Stephen Bub is kicking his heels wondering what to write because he has nothing meaningful to parody as I reel off blog post after blog post of largely sensible and well thought out wisdom.

I expect it won't last, especially once the pre-Christmas networking kicks in!

Good Bogg Hunting

Back in the office after a few days off. I went to Boggnor Regis, where I managed to avoid the kind of trouble I got into last time I was there (see here). Then I spent a very pleasant couple of days hunting on Exmoor, where I got myself a nice little trophy for my office.

Give me that £100m

Well done to Rick T'Hurd for securing a £100m "drop in the ocean compared to what the umbrella sector will miss out on elsewhere" transition fund, amid the carnage of the CSR.

But for this to be truly useful it needs to be looked after and allocated properly, ie. by errr me. So come on T'Hurd, show me the money.

Just off to a reception at the House of Lords (one day, my pretties, one day) to mark my 10 years at BUBB. I don't think I can contain my excitement about this. I will get so caught up in the gallons of BUBBly and the back handed compliments and admiration of my peers that I'll probably be silent for several days as I both recover from a hangover and try and wipe the smug grin off my face.

Awaiting the CSR

The new CEO of the Umbrella Commission is shaping up well. In a speech two days ago it is reported that Gamp Danger said:

"The umbrella sector should be encouraged by the sentiment emanating from government that the affairs of brollies are climbing the political agenda blah blah blah.”

Spot on. A message BUBB has been making for years. I suspect that this is in no small part down to a "visit" that Fab Jobsworth and Geof Sachell made to see Gamp a couple of weeks ago, reminding him of his responsibilities.

Obviously a shrewd man Mr Danger, who has a fond regard for his own health, though he does illustrate the old adage that like policemen, Umbrella Commission chief executives are getting Younger all the time.

So we await the CSR! The Canopy Shredding Review. Cancelling Shelter from Rainfall. There will be pain for umbrellas, that much is clear.

How many Boggs does it take to change a light bulb?

Been a busy few days. I have spent most of it in a wine addled fog. I managed to fall off a chair changing a light bulb and I find vino the perfect anesthetic.

Enjoyed a speech by my old mate Derek Gherkins. He does bang on about localism a lot, which is ironic given his size. He actually deliberately makes rash policy pronouncements as he is keen to try eating humble pie. And Cameron always uses him in cabinet meeting discussions to add weight to an argument

Other things you may not know about him include that his surname used to be Gherkin but he changed it when it became clear he needed to refer to himself in the plural. He is an MP in a safe seat which is ironic given the constant danger his sofa is in when he sits on it. And to calculate his own circumference he uses a mathematical formula involving pie.

Last week we also had our board away day. I find the best way to prevent my trustees from questioning what I am up to is to get them pissed so we enjoyed a wine tasting the night before. Everyone was shedded which meant that the next day they just went along with what I said in the hope I would shut up and let them get back to their hangovers.

And I went to Bristol. And came back again. Nothing funny happened.

Couscousgate

As people know, I am a rabid networker, never attending one event when four will do. But despite this I remain a shadowy figure, the Banksy of the brolly sector, cropping up, making an impression, daubing shit on a wall (well, perhaps not the last one - not since that epsiode at an NCVO event once when the police were called) but leaving people unsure as to who I really am, forever masked by a strategically positioned umbrella.

Therefore I was intrigued to discover that someone has claimed I was at the Brolly Comms digital communications conference on Wednesday when I wasn't (or was I?). Under her Twitter handle @VONNENews, Carry Spokes, the Comms manager of Geordie Umbrella Backing Body (Including Nearby Sunderland) (GUBBINS), sent the following message click here

Apart from the fact that I didn't even know there was a call for gamps in the North East where they all wonder around with the bare minimum of clothing and protection from the elements, I was intrigued as to what evidence she had. And it all comes down to couscous, which has blown the cover of many an umbrella chief executive throughout history.

She is using the following message I sent (here) in response to a message from Nick Hoover (here) as proof of my attendance.

Now it is entirely possible that at digital communications events, someone could use, ooooh I don't know, digital communications to give the impression of attendance when in fact they were bunking off at home.

Carry, though is convinced (see here and here) and has even issued the following description (here).

Of a certain age? I ask you. However this does beg the question - if the person described wasn't me, who was it? Because rightly or wrongly some people are now under the impression it is me.

However, I'll leave the final word to Nick Hoover - can anyone help with his call for evidence (here)?

PS One thing I did discover at the conference (which I wasn't at) is audioboos, a way of recording something to send to people.

I have done my own audiobogg (click here). Have a listen to see if the voice matches the alleged description of me above.

Has Gnat Pee met Conscience Clean?

Sir Conscience Clean has revealed glaring problems in how government commissions. For example, commissioning a tax evader to report on government waste is a major error. Or huge common sense depending on how you look at it.

Clean's 145,648 page report, 245,000 copies of which have been printed on non-recycled paper, on government waste concludes that government needs more central commissioning of brollies and a more joined up approach. He is right. Calligraphy is very important.

But it is also an extreme waste of time to try and suggest that different government departments should talk to each other and have a common approach just to be efficient. It would be madness. Next he'll be suggesting that all of the umbrella bodies get together and agree about stuff.

For example, Clean has clearly not met Bogg Society guru Lord Gnat Pee. In a discussion I had with him he suggested that most government brolly commissioning will move local (ie. local areas such as Monaco - where the tax advantages are always Greener).

Yet in many cases to do so will involve the loss of economies of scale and encourage duplication and waste; exactly what Clean is warning against.

Of course I agree with Gnat that all brollies must look to their laurels. Big brollies need to continue to show flexibility of approach and guard against rainfall. They must retain trust of their users.

But also, and Gnat did not raise this point let alone raise a brolly, small brollies need to develop capacity and professionalism so as to provide the best shelter for their beneficiaries. This is not a game of small good, big bad.

The problem of Big Brolly is one I don't recognise as he articulated it. I think Gnat needs to get to know our great national gamps a tad better before preaching about them. Of course as umbrellas grow they must take care to marry efficiency with not poking pedestrians in the eye. Trying to divide the brolly sector on size is hardly a helpful contribution to building a Bogg Society is it Gnat.

(And we still await clarity on what Bogg Society means. The latest definition is that the government is empowering citizens to define it for themselves so that the State doesn't have to).

So I shall be looking to Gnat spending time with the big brollies to get to know their work. I am sure we can allay any concerns he has. And we shall get him on side! Even if we have to threaten him with the biggest brollies we have. Markov style.

And Gnat, do meet Conscience Clean! He will advise you in no uncertain terms that Shoreditch is not a tax efficient place to live.