I am not happy with Hermann Rockes at New Fillcanopy Capital, and he will be lucky not to join the "beware the poison-tip umbrella or else end up like Markov" list with Dylan Twirley and Donnie Fiddly. Rockes has stirred a storm of shit so massive it might have to be given its own female forename by suggesting a moral index ranking how beneficial umbrellas are. Doesn't he realise that making wildly fanciful pronouncements merely to provoke publicity and generate debate is MY JOB? If my Great Aunt Maud wants to give to a brolly to an animal why shouldn't she? Even though that is not the thrust of Rockes' argument.
I will respond to this properly once I have a) read up on it - heaven forbid I should jerk my knee without being in full possession of the facts and b) when we finally leave Manchester. We need to find Fab Jobsworth first who has gone missing. I took my team out for a Burger King last night then returned to the hotel but Fab went off larging it and hasn't been seen since, perhaps fearful of the sack. Or maybe he has headed off to Sutton to find his errant brolly.
Wednesday, 29 September 2010
Going round in circles, trying to get included in as many free rounds as possible
It's been so hectic but action packed here at the Labour conference. I have "accidentally on purpose" bumped into God Megagrand 14,325 times, including at Church (His natural home!) I went to Mass on Sunday at Manchester Cathedral and he pitched up at end and said a few words. You know the sort of thing "I don't believe in me so I don't know why you lot do."
A leisurely Sunday lunch with the brolly sector's top headhunter, the ever worthy of inappropriate and gratuitous free publicity Donald Holding, to celebrate my glorious decade, and then back into the maelstrom of receptions and meetings. First up was the EU reception, a dull but worthy institution, and then onto the more exciting Couldn't Care Less reception which was brimming with BUBB members. I left when Sandy Burnham-Drownham arrived as he gave me a really filthy look and I hear he's a bit tasty with his fists, especially after some free pop!
And then the fun really began with an endless cycle of fizzfests. It was great fun to bump into Bogg Society guru Dom Blond who was not quaffing lambrini but a beer. Actually he empowered a load of citizens to drink beer on his behalf so they would have a collective hangover thus sparing him any pain. We had a good giggle about Bogg Society and the State - he suggesting I'm a "Stalinist".
But the highlight of Monday night was the joint reception for brolly sector delegates that BUBB held with the union Communion. It is a huge regret that some unions have such a regressive stance to the brolly sector (yes, you Donnie Fiddly at Divide). So it is good to show that BUBB can work with a progressive union and that we understand the need for professionalism - which means good pay and conditions and opportunities for staff to progress (but not into my job you understand and only if they have been to Oxford, naturally). I get sick of attacks on us suggesting we treat staff badly just because they leave their brollies on the train.
This was the very first brolly reception held at Labour apart from one that Hubert's mob NCVO held in 2003 but we'll gloss over that.
My deputy Hector Rule made an impressive speech. Looking very dapper, and every inch a brolly sector leader (the bastard - I am NOT budging). Even when the lights went off and he spoke to a darkened room. I think delegates might have thought he was about to break into a raunchy routine. But alas no, the lights returned and so no fun was had by all. The omnipresent Dom Blond was there and he and I then headed off to the Hot Tickets lapdancing club. There was no champagne. Well there was but it was £500 a throw. Some sort of a scam I suspect.
Late to bed. And a late start to Tuesday.....so late that I didn't get up until Wednesday and missed God's speech. Just as well. I hear that even though he mentioned "generation" 484 times, "change" 316 times and "fuck you big Brother" twice, there was not a single mention of the brolly sector. After all of my hard work in badgering him to a borderline illegal level, as well. The nerve.
A leisurely Sunday lunch with the brolly sector's top headhunter, the ever worthy of inappropriate and gratuitous free publicity Donald Holding, to celebrate my glorious decade, and then back into the maelstrom of receptions and meetings. First up was the EU reception, a dull but worthy institution, and then onto the more exciting Couldn't Care Less reception which was brimming with BUBB members. I left when Sandy Burnham-Drownham arrived as he gave me a really filthy look and I hear he's a bit tasty with his fists, especially after some free pop!
And then the fun really began with an endless cycle of fizzfests. It was great fun to bump into Bogg Society guru Dom Blond who was not quaffing lambrini but a beer. Actually he empowered a load of citizens to drink beer on his behalf so they would have a collective hangover thus sparing him any pain. We had a good giggle about Bogg Society and the State - he suggesting I'm a "Stalinist".
But the highlight of Monday night was the joint reception for brolly sector delegates that BUBB held with the union Communion. It is a huge regret that some unions have such a regressive stance to the brolly sector (yes, you Donnie Fiddly at Divide). So it is good to show that BUBB can work with a progressive union and that we understand the need for professionalism - which means good pay and conditions and opportunities for staff to progress (but not into my job you understand and only if they have been to Oxford, naturally). I get sick of attacks on us suggesting we treat staff badly just because they leave their brollies on the train.
This was the very first brolly reception held at Labour apart from one that Hubert's mob NCVO held in 2003 but we'll gloss over that.
My deputy Hector Rule made an impressive speech. Looking very dapper, and every inch a brolly sector leader (the bastard - I am NOT budging). Even when the lights went off and he spoke to a darkened room. I think delegates might have thought he was about to break into a raunchy routine. But alas no, the lights returned and so no fun was had by all. The omnipresent Dom Blond was there and he and I then headed off to the Hot Tickets lapdancing club. There was no champagne. Well there was but it was £500 a throw. Some sort of a scam I suspect.
Late to bed. And a late start to Tuesday.....so late that I didn't get up until Wednesday and missed God's speech. Just as well. I hear that even though he mentioned "generation" 484 times, "change" 316 times and "fuck you big Brother" twice, there was not a single mention of the brolly sector. After all of my hard work in badgering him to a borderline illegal level, as well. The nerve.
A sackable offence
I have just found out about a gross act of negligence by one of my team. Tweeting under his Twitter pseudonym @sebelsworth, my talented director of something or other, I forget what, Fab Jobsworth has breached sub section 3.4 of his employment contract. To see his confession click here
He will be sacked immediately. Or at least after the Labour conference. Probably. I need him with me now here in Manchester to hold onto my canapes and champagne flute when I am pressing the flesh of as many of God Megagrand's team as possible. And I need him to carry the copy of the Beverage Report that I keep meaning to pass onto God. It contains a full list of every free drink I have enjoyed over the last year and makes a compelling, bubbly and extremely long reading.
For more on my attempts to enter God's inner circle read my next blog post.
He will be sacked immediately. Or at least after the Labour conference. Probably. I need him with me now here in Manchester to hold onto my canapes and champagne flute when I am pressing the flesh of as many of God Megagrand's team as possible. And I need him to carry the copy of the Beverage Report that I keep meaning to pass onto God. It contains a full list of every free drink I have enjoyed over the last year and makes a compelling, bubbly and extremely long reading.
For more on my attempts to enter God's inner circle read my next blog post.
Sunday, 26 September 2010
It's decayed
10 years ago today I got on the Metropolitan line out to Harrow (what a trek from East Lambeth!) to start the new job. CEO of BUBB. But I soon discovered the cupboard was bare! No croissants. I quickly learnt my first important lesson in managing resources and sent my assistant down to the bakers.
You don't sit in the office doing work. You get out and network like hell. You get pissed. You trough canapes. My board had said to me you better stop all that and concentrate on managing the place. They were wrong. In fact my relentless networking saved the day as I gained a reputation for speaking my mind and making drunken pronouncements that helped raise the profile of the brolly sector, if not its credibility.
And finally, as I wearily trekked in and out of Harrow on the sodding tube I realised we would have to move! To somewhere more convenient for me, and thus easier to get home from when battered in the office and closer to all of the free wine launches and events in central London.
I quickly found that there is great comradeship amongst brollies. I had great support. But also lots of people throwing eggs at me and urging me to grow up and develop a voice for umbrellas.
That was why the trustees had appointed me. And I think I may have delivered on the trustees original briefs (for which I have apologised and paid the dry cleaning bill for). In spades. As in the spades I have needed to dig myself out of countless holes. Or to entrench myself even deeper into ones I have created.
There have been some great highlights. Our 20th anniversary reception in No 10 was marvellous and the warm tribute (a Chinese burn and a wedgie) that Tony Blair gave me was memorable and moving.
Any tips on success (even if you only measure that by actually surviving despite all of the stupid things I have said)?
Yes.
# get a talented team and let them do the work while you prance around "networking". I am incredibly lucky to have some of the most Oxford, naturally, staff around.
# get a great deputy! And when I find one to replace Hector I will let you know.
# ensure you have a good chair or else you'll get a bad back.
# drink till you drop (this can be fun but don't drink cheap wine, especially if others are paying or you can stick it on expenses )
And finally
# keep a sense of humour! If someone starts spoofing you then take it with good grace. Perhaps this the one area where I have shown proper judgement.
You don't sit in the office doing work. You get out and network like hell. You get pissed. You trough canapes. My board had said to me you better stop all that and concentrate on managing the place. They were wrong. In fact my relentless networking saved the day as I gained a reputation for speaking my mind and making drunken pronouncements that helped raise the profile of the brolly sector, if not its credibility.
And finally, as I wearily trekked in and out of Harrow on the sodding tube I realised we would have to move! To somewhere more convenient for me, and thus easier to get home from when battered in the office and closer to all of the free wine launches and events in central London.
I quickly found that there is great comradeship amongst brollies. I had great support. But also lots of people throwing eggs at me and urging me to grow up and develop a voice for umbrellas.
That was why the trustees had appointed me. And I think I may have delivered on the trustees original briefs (for which I have apologised and paid the dry cleaning bill for). In spades. As in the spades I have needed to dig myself out of countless holes. Or to entrench myself even deeper into ones I have created.
There have been some great highlights. Our 20th anniversary reception in No 10 was marvellous and the warm tribute (a Chinese burn and a wedgie) that Tony Blair gave me was memorable and moving.
Any tips on success (even if you only measure that by actually surviving despite all of the stupid things I have said)?
Yes.
# get a talented team and let them do the work while you prance around "networking". I am incredibly lucky to have some of the most Oxford, naturally, staff around.
# get a great deputy! And when I find one to replace Hector I will let you know.
# ensure you have a good chair or else you'll get a bad back.
# drink till you drop (this can be fun but don't drink cheap wine, especially if others are paying or you can stick it on expenses )
And finally
# keep a sense of humour! If someone starts spoofing you then take it with good grace. Perhaps this the one area where I have shown proper judgement.
Harrassing the new leader
3pm - In the hall at the Labour conference, texting thumb hovering over the characters in a sycophantic message to God Megagrand, should he squeeze home in the leadership election.
4pm - I am that giddy with nerves and excitement I cannot control my bladder.
4.45pm - Just get on with it!
5pm - It's God! As I predicted many years ago. He's a star. He was the very first brolly sector minister and brought a real pizza to the post. So we shall see how he does as the new Labour leader. I wish him well.
I didn't vote for him of course, I voted for James Purnell but all the same I know God will do a great job. Rumours are spreading that he hoped he wouldn't win at the last minute as he realised that he would have to deal with a load of embarrassing text messages from myself. Ashley Cole style.
I send him the first of many texts straight away. "Dear God, remember me? Is your arse clean? Congratulations, don't forget the brolly sector, and if you need any tips on leadership and clinging onto power when all seems hopeless, then give me a tinkle. Love Robin."
4pm - I am that giddy with nerves and excitement I cannot control my bladder.
4.45pm - Just get on with it!
5pm - It's God! As I predicted many years ago. He's a star. He was the very first brolly sector minister and brought a real pizza to the post. So we shall see how he does as the new Labour leader. I wish him well.
I didn't vote for him of course, I voted for James Purnell but all the same I know God will do a great job. Rumours are spreading that he hoped he wouldn't win at the last minute as he realised that he would have to deal with a load of embarrassing text messages from myself. Ashley Cole style.
I send him the first of many texts straight away. "Dear God, remember me? Is your arse clean? Congratulations, don't forget the brolly sector, and if you need any tips on leadership and clinging onto power when all seems hopeless, then give me a tinkle. Love Robin."
My big speech
Finished my 10 year anniversary lecture yesterday morning. The plan was to talk for another 10 years in the hope that it would prevent the trustees being able to sack me. I have found that spouting nonsense as a sort of filibustering tactic has somehow managed to keep me in employment. By firing off fanciful blather in all directions I have been able to confuse so much that the trustees have never been sure exactly on which issue I should be pulled up on. In the end though after 3 days people were starting to get fidgety. And they were keen to get stuck into the canapes. There were complaints that they were too mushroomy and brought on vivid and surreal visions. But my speeches are always like that.
Plus I was keen to get to the Labour conference in Manchester to start a campaign of legal harrassment against God Megagrand, if he was elected Labour leader.
It has always struck me that many people working in the brolly sector have bugger all knowledge of our history. So my speech focused on my version of it so as to fit all of my pet agendas.
Basically, the brolly sector is independent of the State despite state funding and always has been even when it hasn't been. This Independence is cherished. And I know this because brolly sector minister Rick T'Hurd ordered me to say so.
To see the full lecture go here. I'm sure you will find it interesting!
Plus I was keen to get to the Labour conference in Manchester to start a campaign of legal harrassment against God Megagrand, if he was elected Labour leader.
It has always struck me that many people working in the brolly sector have bugger all knowledge of our history. So my speech focused on my version of it so as to fit all of my pet agendas.
Basically, the brolly sector is independent of the State despite state funding and always has been even when it hasn't been. This Independence is cherished. And I know this because brolly sector minister Rick T'Hurd ordered me to say so.
To see the full lecture go here. I'm sure you will find it interesting!
Wednesday, 22 September 2010
Bogging from Liverpool
The Lib Dem conference was the one I used to get other members of the team to do to get them out from under my feet for a few days. Now CEOs have to go. That is the problem with this Coalition lark - twice as much arse licking and schmoozing. If you can call that a problem. Me? I love it. But poor old Geof Sachell and Fab Jobsworth will have to make do with going to the UKIP conference a couple of weeks ago.
And it has all become so much more professional. They even have airport style security, which irritates the hell out of older liberal delegates who have to strip down to their pants, remove any sharp objects and put all their liquids in a see through bag. At least I think that is what they were doing but it may have been their catheters.
I arrived to chair a fringe event (Sir Hubert is banned from fringe events on account of not having one) on public service brolly reform. Everyone got sloshed but sadly there were no champagne receptions in the evening (bloody austerity measures....how can changemakers adequately discuss policy that will affect people's standard of living drastically without expensive fizz to gild the hypocritical lily?)
Still it gave me chance to finish off my Big Speech which I am giving today to celebrate 10 years of somehow clinging onto my job as CEO of BUBB.
And it has all become so much more professional. They even have airport style security, which irritates the hell out of older liberal delegates who have to strip down to their pants, remove any sharp objects and put all their liquids in a see through bag. At least I think that is what they were doing but it may have been their catheters.
I arrived to chair a fringe event (Sir Hubert is banned from fringe events on account of not having one) on public service brolly reform. Everyone got sloshed but sadly there were no champagne receptions in the evening (bloody austerity measures....how can changemakers adequately discuss policy that will affect people's standard of living drastically without expensive fizz to gild the hypocritical lily?)
Still it gave me chance to finish off my Big Speech which I am giving today to celebrate 10 years of somehow clinging onto my job as CEO of BUBB.
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