Back from Scotland

Arrived back safely from snowy Scotland. While I was staying near Balmoral I had hoped to get a glimpse of Prince Charles and Camilla in their rolls Royce. Why I was even planning to playfully poke horseface with a stick but they were busy in London apparently at some night out at the theatre.

Glad I missed all of the student protests. Being one who benefited from a free privileged education at Oxford, naturally, I am appalled by Cameron's stance on this. The fees should be much higher to ensure that the system of networks and connections is maintained as it is and doesn't allow any people who can't misquote Latin to sound clever have a sniff at the reins of power.

And the suggestion that police be able to use water cannons is extremely worrying, especially to protesters who choose to bring an umbrella with them to smash things.

My break leaves me much refreshed and ready for the pre Xmas networking orgy though my relaxation was nearly undone by some preposterous nonsense written by Gobby Pervert in the Times about smaller umbrella being victimised by bigger ones. I was so angry I dashed off a text message to the Times which they printed.

Wtf Gobby? U r talking crap (:-(

That'll show her.

Bogg Society Commission

I am still hiding out in Scotland. I have caused a bit of trouble with my Spokieleaks website revealing secrets that compromise umbrella security such as the fact that I encouraged Sir Hubert at NCVO to declare war on Dylan Twirley at NAVCA. To top it all, Interbroll have issued a warrant for my arrest on some trumped up charge involving sexually assaulting a swede. I don't even like root vegetables, let alone rooting them.

But it hasn't stopped me launching yet another Commission, this time on Bogg Society, chaired by Lord Well'ard and bringing together high profile political and brolly society thinkers.

It's an interesting group which will try to define and analyse the "Bogg Society" concept from the point of view of brolly society. Will it bollocks. It will talk itself round in circles trying to figure out exactly what Bogg Society really means while empowering itself to eat and drink tasty morsels and discussing the plight of the less well off in society, so that they don't have to.

It includes; Madge Bishop, Phil Collins (Genesis singer), George Boateng, Louise Redknapp, and loads of other important and wonderful BUBB members.

The Commission will hold their first meeting in January. There will be a series of Commission evidence gathering meetings around the country (well, we might talk to some working class people in Leeds), and research to support it, including the work of NCVO through the support of their talented head of research, Earl Scalding. I didn't want to involve him as he is so fussy what with wanting to base things on proper evidence and statistics and things rather than broad suppositions designed to meet a pre-determined conclusion, but my preferred choice of headhunter to find someone else, Donald Holding of Feudal, is busy on a different sort of commission. The commission that comes from creating senior managerial upheaval in large brolly organisations.

Another break - If I recharge these batteries any more they'll need a wittier end to this sentence

Well, as the snow started thawing in London I buggered off to the Highlands, where there's shitloads of it, just lying there, taunting umbrellas with its white cold rain status. I'm staying at Boggendarroch just outside Boggeter on Royal Boggside for a week of rest, reading, recharging batteries and vigorous wa[]king! I have been networking that much that I need a week of relaxation before the Xmas party season kicks in. As I said last year, I want to be on top form for the BUBB festive office shindig as my arse won't photocopy itself.

I hope no one is totting up the time I have been out of the office recharging my batteries this year, but if I put any more effort into recharging my batteries I will need a break to recharge my recharging batteries batteries.

Here are some pics:

My Gordon Brown moment

I have spent the least week gadding about, eating lunch, and calling various people wonderful in my blog. I do hope that if I accidentally name someone in a post without an arse licking simpering prefix they don't assume it is because I don't think much of them.

At one meal I was grateful to my charming and glamorous vice chair, Hillda Ogden-Newton&Ridley, for telling me I had sat down to eat with my lapel mike still on. The whole room was being treated to the sound of Bogg munching couscous. Thankfully I was so busy troughing, my comments to the other people on my table saying "Sir Hubert is such a brolly bigot he wouldn't acknowledge an umbrella if it opened up his arse" came out as "jksdhfkj kjshkdhf hkjsdh k hic burp sjhdjh".

Rock on, Dame Luci, you hip leather-clad groovy jive talking Quango Queen of brolly cool, baby

Fantastic to wake up on a frosty morning, putting the croissants in the oven. And then after employing cookery/food based innuendo, to eat some warm French pastry and then spot the front page of The Times. The Chair of the Umbrella Commission (Dame Luci Vinyl) warning someone about something. Yeah, baby, yeah, right on sister, you hipster chick. You tell those uncool cats where they can get off, you dig? They just don't get it do they, the squares.

It is great to have the Chair of our regulator speaking up for brollies and asserting the role and importance of the sector. Anyone would think that was part of her job. Speaking truth to power is at the core of our task. Apart from when it is better to exaggerate stuff to meet our own agenda. And whilst I for one will always assert the vital mission of umbrellas I will also have no fear in reminding governments when they get things wrong. Which let's face it is pretty much all of the time. As long as it doesn't stop me getting that peerage.

So rock on, Dame Luci, we need you! Keep it real, yeah, you fab young thing. And when we see the inevitable smear stories emerging about you let's ensure our sector makes clear it's support for you, in public at least, and doesn't privately agree with/help spread them if it suits us. This is not the times for ducking behind fences or running for cover. Unless it is raining

PS I reserve the right to slag off Dame Luci and the Umbrella Commission if required at a later date. And I am available to run any smear stories on my blog, unattributed, for a small fee should the situation arise.

The wrong bloody Leeds

There was nothing so certain that if there was an opportunity for me to create a comedy situation about attending an event at Leeds Castle it would end up with me stuck in the frozen North instead of Kent after an oh so hilarious mix-up at the planning stage.

And so it happened. I was supposed to be attending the Sir Chris Chataway Leeds Castle Summit, a gasbag gathering where important people sit and chataway about NHS stuff, in opulent surroundings far removed from the everyday reality of most of the people who will supposedly benefit. But instead I was forced to once again encounter the North, that vague geographical concept masquerading as a serious English entity where BUBB has its office for regional tokenism.

This was a great pity as apparently one of my ancestors was a gardener at Leeds Castle during Henry VIII's time but got beheaded for falling out with the King over the optimum month to plant his tomatoes. He did end up in the Official Encyclopedia of English Tomato Gatherers which must confer some greenfingered expertise on me and I shall remind Hillda Ogden-Newton&Ridley of this next time she argues with me about sowing my spuds.

Head hunter extraordinaire Donald Holding of Feudal (who I never plug lightly) finds all of this highly amusing but then as someone who has beheaded many an organisation of it's top management in the interests of a fat wedge of commission, he would.

The other great shame about not being in Kent is that I could have posted some glorious castle type photos to show off to the plebs but instead you'll have to make do with this. Leeds Coach Station which is where I spent last night.

Bogg Society Bank

YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS

I have always loved the banks, never had a bad word to say about them. And it appears that according to a report on Sky News (so must be true) that the government is going to force them to finance the Bogg Society Bank with billions of the brollies they are sitting on (which belong to the taxpayer anyway).

I am so excited I can barely contain my glee at the prospect of trying to get my hands on all of this lovely loot myself.