Monday, 10 May 2010
PS
Forgot to piss of my parents by publicly revealing how they voted. BNP (Brolly Needed Party), naturally.
Saturday, 8 May 2010
Um!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
?????????????????????????? Crikey. What now eh? One thing is clear - we will have a new Umbrella minister after Veronica Squif lost her seat though her Tory oppo Rick T'Hurd increased his majority. But until Cameron can hoodwink Clegg into supporting him we are in limbo. These power sharing arrangements never work. Hubert and I tried it once. Disaster.
But if Cameron is serious about being open to the possibility of paying lip service to the idea of having an enquiry for establishing a commission to appoint a taskforce to explore electoral reform, than I can help him. This sort of thing has got BUBB written all over it. Even if it's got sod all to do with brollies. Especially if it's got sod all to do with brollies. So Dave, let me chair this and let the launches begin.
But if Cameron is serious about being open to the possibility of paying lip service to the idea of having an enquiry for establishing a commission to appoint a taskforce to explore electoral reform, than I can help him. This sort of thing has got BUBB written all over it. Even if it's got sod all to do with brollies. Especially if it's got sod all to do with brollies. So Dave, let me chair this and let the launches begin.
Thursday, 6 May 2010
Apologies
In the excitement of the election I realise that the flamboyant Pepe Ohdearie, director of EuCLUTS (the European Committee of Leadership in Umbrella Technology and Sophistication), has just visted Transnistria and I failed to make any cross dressing jokes. Let alone patronise my readers by assuming they wouldn't know where it was. Sorry!
Voting
Voting. I bloody love voting me. I always get up early to vote so I have time to register a few more votes later. The bloke next door never gets out the house so I always pretend to be him and our incumbent MP is so out of touch I doubt he'll either remember or bother so a quick change of clothes and a wig should see me OK there.
This is the first election in which I have not actively been out campaigning but if you lead an umbrella organisation you can't risk upsetting the Umbrella Commission with their strict guidelines on not favouring one party over another. They probably have their spies everywhere checking I am not going round carrying a placard saying "Vote for the Bogg Society. Even though it is a pile of shite masquerading as a serious blueprint for effective change". The very idea that a regulator should do its job and enforce the law seems very big brother to me but there you go.
On my way to the polling station I wonder whether tactical voting includes staying in the polling booth for 15 hours to prevent others using it? If so you could marshal a few friends, get there at 7am sharp and ensure a small but sufficient majority for your chosen candidate.
Not that Sky have rigged but I was surprised when the man behind the desk said he'd mark my paper for me and offered me deal on a HD box. And then I faced further confusion as the media had led me to believe I was choosing between Clegg, Brown and Cameron but when I looked at the ballot paper none of them were listed.
I wasn't happy about the quality of my local polling station. I may have to move to get into a better school next time. And it was sad to see so many kids playing truant today of all days. A sure sign that Britain is indeed broken. Indeed when I walked past one local school there were strange looking blokes hanging around but no kids. Very odd.
Amidst the excitement of voting though the Farage plane crash puts thing in perspective. We could all put our party differences aside and say "why wasn't it Griffin?" And I was amused to see the news that Brown was so confused by the tactical voting issue that he voted Lib Dem by mistake.
Having exercised both Barkles and my right to vote I headed to the office before a busy lunchtime. It has often been said I am out to lunch and I actually managed three today. Firstly with my coke dealer at yet another lavish restaurant, talking about how Umbrella Investment Business can help solve umbrella problems for the poorest in society while living the good life. We didn't come up with any good ideas, however, in fact we are going to just gloss over inequity. And as fudges go, that's to die for.
Then I had a blinding curry with a secretary with a perm (I can't say who - she's married) and then met up with Dom Blond, the self-appointed wizard of repackaging vague ideas as radical policy (and taking credit for my Bogg Society ideas (see link)). Appropriately we went to a restaurant that promised an exciting and eclectic new mix of dishes but was simply some pretty badly cooked old ones reheated.
I actually had a fourth lunch with my chair and Pathfinder Slobs (chair of umbrella volunteering organisation Brollunteering England) but the food was rubbish (as Homer Simpson once said, you don't win friends with salad) so no need to go into any more detail. Back in the office now and dreading what we may face tomorrow morning.
This is the first election in which I have not actively been out campaigning but if you lead an umbrella organisation you can't risk upsetting the Umbrella Commission with their strict guidelines on not favouring one party over another. They probably have their spies everywhere checking I am not going round carrying a placard saying "Vote for the Bogg Society. Even though it is a pile of shite masquerading as a serious blueprint for effective change". The very idea that a regulator should do its job and enforce the law seems very big brother to me but there you go.
On my way to the polling station I wonder whether tactical voting includes staying in the polling booth for 15 hours to prevent others using it? If so you could marshal a few friends, get there at 7am sharp and ensure a small but sufficient majority for your chosen candidate.
Not that Sky have rigged but I was surprised when the man behind the desk said he'd mark my paper for me and offered me deal on a HD box. And then I faced further confusion as the media had led me to believe I was choosing between Clegg, Brown and Cameron but when I looked at the ballot paper none of them were listed.
I wasn't happy about the quality of my local polling station. I may have to move to get into a better school next time. And it was sad to see so many kids playing truant today of all days. A sure sign that Britain is indeed broken. Indeed when I walked past one local school there were strange looking blokes hanging around but no kids. Very odd.
Amidst the excitement of voting though the Farage plane crash puts thing in perspective. We could all put our party differences aside and say "why wasn't it Griffin?" And I was amused to see the news that Brown was so confused by the tactical voting issue that he voted Lib Dem by mistake.
Having exercised both Barkles and my right to vote I headed to the office before a busy lunchtime. It has often been said I am out to lunch and I actually managed three today. Firstly with my coke dealer at yet another lavish restaurant, talking about how Umbrella Investment Business can help solve umbrella problems for the poorest in society while living the good life. We didn't come up with any good ideas, however, in fact we are going to just gloss over inequity. And as fudges go, that's to die for.
Then I had a blinding curry with a secretary with a perm (I can't say who - she's married) and then met up with Dom Blond, the self-appointed wizard of repackaging vague ideas as radical policy (and taking credit for my Bogg Society ideas (see link)). Appropriately we went to a restaurant that promised an exciting and eclectic new mix of dishes but was simply some pretty badly cooked old ones reheated.
I actually had a fourth lunch with my chair and Pathfinder Slobs (chair of umbrella volunteering organisation Brollunteering England) but the food was rubbish (as Homer Simpson once said, you don't win friends with salad) so no need to go into any more detail. Back in the office now and dreading what we may face tomorrow morning.
Wednesday, 5 May 2010
Pre-election round up
The media frenzy around the election has reached fever pitch with breaking news constantly reminding us whenever Brown has picked his nose or Cameron has topped his tan up. It is hard to keep up and I wish that BUBB had had the foresight to launch a commission to appoint a taskforce to consider the possibility of writing a special report on how umbrella CEOs could keep up with events after they had happened. Despite there still being no mention of the umbrella sector by any of the parties.
Below is a highlights package of some of the more interesting incidents.
Much was made of Cameron pulling an all-nighter on the campaign trail. The last time a Tory leader felt they could cheat sleep everything went tickety-boo so I am fine with that.
BREAKING stories on this included:
Cameron stays up all night and watches entire second season of the Wire on DVD
Cameron planning an all-nighter camped outside number 10 tomorrow night. Will try and sneak in when GB collects his milk
Cameron admits speed should be legalised. "This stuff really works"
Although after Cameron repeatedly cancelled interviews on various radio and TV channels (except Sky, naturally) "in case he was asked difficult questions and was expected to be accountable" the Queen considered postponing her promised interview with him on Friday, and maybe cancelling it indefinitely.
Tactical voting has been a big issue. Surely all voting is tactical, but if you are going to vote tactically make sure it is more Mourinho than Keegan. Labour MPs in marginal seats have called for tactical voting. "Please vote for us - we need this job" . Ultimately I reckon that if you want to keep the Tories out by voting tactically, the tactic should be don't vote Tory. If everyone in UK sticks to that we'll be OK.
Other top stories included:
Brown seen consulting a lawyer with expertise in "squatter's rights"
Following the 20/20 World Cup farce, in event of hung parliament election to be settled by Duckworth Lewis method (which supporters of PR would say is already happening)
Obama mulls over plan to drop DC from Washington if Tories get in
Brown says he'll only give up keys of No.10 if Cameron and Clegg throw theirs into the ashtray as well
LATEST: Apathy poll: 30% or so of electorate who can't be bothered to vote get ready for 5 more years of moaning about the government
Cameron: "Read my lips cos your children won't be able to read anything else once I have slashed education budget"
Jim Callaghan's estate issues writ against Manish Sood for slander. Maggie Thatcher issues counterwrit.
I must say I am looking forward to results night now. But wait. No. I don't have Sky HD. How will I be able to see clearly who has won the election? Though I suspect that if I did watch it in HD, that would probably stand for high dudgeon. And if results aren't favouring the Tories will Sky just ignore them, proclaim Cameron as PM and hope no one cottons on?
Below is a highlights package of some of the more interesting incidents.
Much was made of Cameron pulling an all-nighter on the campaign trail. The last time a Tory leader felt they could cheat sleep everything went tickety-boo so I am fine with that.
BREAKING stories on this included:
Cameron stays up all night and watches entire second season of the Wire on DVD
Cameron planning an all-nighter camped outside number 10 tomorrow night. Will try and sneak in when GB collects his milk
Cameron admits speed should be legalised. "This stuff really works"
Although after Cameron repeatedly cancelled interviews on various radio and TV channels (except Sky, naturally) "in case he was asked difficult questions and was expected to be accountable" the Queen considered postponing her promised interview with him on Friday, and maybe cancelling it indefinitely.
Tactical voting has been a big issue. Surely all voting is tactical, but if you are going to vote tactically make sure it is more Mourinho than Keegan. Labour MPs in marginal seats have called for tactical voting. "Please vote for us - we need this job" . Ultimately I reckon that if you want to keep the Tories out by voting tactically, the tactic should be don't vote Tory. If everyone in UK sticks to that we'll be OK.
Other top stories included:
Brown seen consulting a lawyer with expertise in "squatter's rights"
Following the 20/20 World Cup farce, in event of hung parliament election to be settled by Duckworth Lewis method (which supporters of PR would say is already happening)
Obama mulls over plan to drop DC from Washington if Tories get in
Brown says he'll only give up keys of No.10 if Cameron and Clegg throw theirs into the ashtray as well
LATEST: Apathy poll: 30% or so of electorate who can't be bothered to vote get ready for 5 more years of moaning about the government
Cameron: "Read my lips cos your children won't be able to read anything else once I have slashed education budget"
Jim Callaghan's estate issues writ against Manish Sood for slander. Maggie Thatcher issues counterwrit.
I must say I am looking forward to results night now. But wait. No. I don't have Sky HD. How will I be able to see clearly who has won the election? Though I suspect that if I did watch it in HD, that would probably stand for high dudgeon. And if results aren't favouring the Tories will Sky just ignore them, proclaim Cameron as PM and hope no one cottons on?
Monday, 3 May 2010
Boring UK based work stuff
Been a functional few days doing work stuff. BUBB had a board meeting where our trustees are supposed to hold me to account but as there aren't nearly enough hours in the day to discuss all of my misadventures this very rarely happens. Instead I just pointed them to the rave reviews from my sell-out (in more ways than one) Big Arse tour, waffled about commaticising democroissanting (something I made up on the spot) and they soon lose the will to live let alone reprimand me for repeatedly straying a) outside of BUBB's objectives on some of my more madcap policy crusades b) outside of the UK on some of my more madcap foreign jaunt crusades.
I have a great lunch with Slick Ned, chair of the DirecTORY of Gampal Change You Can't Believe In. We go to some swanky restaurant in Westminster, a favoured haunt of Westminster types. Good for networking and I chat to a well known MP and a spad on the way in. Even though I am not quite sure what a spad is. I have googled it but am pretty confident I didn't enter into conversation with a French biplane. Probably some sort of slang for special adviser. Or a misspelled potato. Which amounts to the same thing.
We talk about cuts (of prime steak) and tough times ahead (if not cooked properly). As usual I see nothing hypocritical about debating the harsh reality many of the poorer umbrella owners in society will face over the coming months while stuffing myself silly with expensive food.
I also single-handedly save the Future Jobs Fund for trainee gamprentices, which I can impartially say is a brilliant idea as I invented it in the first place. Of course when I say save, I mean "sought clarification from the main parties that they wouldn't scrap it even though none of them had said they would" which isn't quite the same thing. The vague assurances the Tories gave that they weren't planning to change funding in this area were enough for me as we all know that what a politician says before an election, especially one as honourable as Eliza Maynotbetrusted, is gospel.
They probably weren't planning on axing it as they didn't know it existed in the first place. They do now so I may have inadvertently given them an idea of how to make some further cuts.
Next week I will be saving the planet by getting all the big global companies to promise they will try and recycle a bit more for the next six months if it doesn't inconvenience them too much.
I have a great lunch with Slick Ned, chair of the DirecTORY of Gampal Change You Can't Believe In. We go to some swanky restaurant in Westminster, a favoured haunt of Westminster types. Good for networking and I chat to a well known MP and a spad on the way in. Even though I am not quite sure what a spad is. I have googled it but am pretty confident I didn't enter into conversation with a French biplane. Probably some sort of slang for special adviser. Or a misspelled potato. Which amounts to the same thing.
We talk about cuts (of prime steak) and tough times ahead (if not cooked properly). As usual I see nothing hypocritical about debating the harsh reality many of the poorer umbrella owners in society will face over the coming months while stuffing myself silly with expensive food.
I also single-handedly save the Future Jobs Fund for trainee gamprentices, which I can impartially say is a brilliant idea as I invented it in the first place. Of course when I say save, I mean "sought clarification from the main parties that they wouldn't scrap it even though none of them had said they would" which isn't quite the same thing. The vague assurances the Tories gave that they weren't planning to change funding in this area were enough for me as we all know that what a politician says before an election, especially one as honourable as Eliza Maynotbetrusted, is gospel.
They probably weren't planning on axing it as they didn't know it existed in the first place. They do now so I may have inadvertently given them an idea of how to make some further cuts.
Next week I will be saving the planet by getting all the big global companies to promise they will try and recycle a bit more for the next six months if it doesn't inconvenience them too much.
Saturday, 1 May 2010
Wrung!
I am not sure any of us were thinking of how our policy proposals and arse licking would play out in the event of a wrung parliament (one where all of the MPs try to dry there suits out in the chamber after getting caught in a shower without a brolly). A bit like not practicing penalties before the World Cup.
A parliament where no one party has overall control is the last thing anyone wants, especially the parties themselves who have been trying to scare us into thinking coalition politics doesn't work.
Apart from anything else we would have to employ at least three times as many people as now to ensure we schmoozed all of the people holding the power cards. And Oxford, naturally, only has so many graduates every year from which we can recruit. Especially as most of them are looking for proper jobs.
Anyway all of the brains at BUBB towers are sitting in a darkened room, locked away, thinking of how we should play this. And I will let them out when they come up with the solution.
A parliament where no one party has overall control is the last thing anyone wants, especially the parties themselves who have been trying to scare us into thinking coalition politics doesn't work.
Apart from anything else we would have to employ at least three times as many people as now to ensure we schmoozed all of the people holding the power cards. And Oxford, naturally, only has so many graduates every year from which we can recruit. Especially as most of them are looking for proper jobs.
Anyway all of the brains at BUBB towers are sitting in a darkened room, locked away, thinking of how we should play this. And I will let them out when they come up with the solution.
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