Tuesday, 14 July 2009
Sod justice for Rihanna, the traitor
Forget everything I said a couple of days ago. It appears that Rihanna, the spoilt waste of aural space, has betrayed the very song that made here by walking out of a party in a huff when it was played (click here). Talk about biting the hand that feeds you. Ungrateful cow. I hope she does a long stretch for illegal tattooing.
Sunday, 12 July 2009
Justice for Rihanna
You may be aware that the peerless female warbler, Rihanna, is in a bit of bother for scribbling on people's arms without a license. A fan of tattoos herself, it seems that the sassy tunesmith has been doodling umbrella pics on the limbs of others without authorisation and the elf''n'safety goons have kicked up a fuss.
Madness of course. Why does everything require qualifications and appropriate permission these days? Where will it all end? They'll expect doctors to have proper medical training next. It's just another example of namby pamby nanny state nonsense. When we were kids we didn't care about risk and health and safety. We would happily dash each other's brains out with rocks in fields full of poisonous frogs all day long, and eat dirt butties for lunch washed down with bleach. Never did us any harm, and there is no evidence that people then had shorter lifespans apart from some sketchy stats around the average age being a lot lower.
As you can see from the pic here Rihanna is actually pretty good at tattooing. However, it isn't that difficult as I discovered over the weekend (click here).
I am but a humble slave eternally kissing the feet of Rihanna for her classic hit "Umbrella". Never has a singer been so defined by the name of her most famous song - everywhere you look she is referred to as the Umbrella Singer. This miffed me at first, as that was my handle during my 2001 karaoke pomp - but I have learned to accept it.
I say, justice for Rihanna. If superstar divas can't go round flouting the law in a way that normal people couldn't, where would celebrity show-off culture be? Nowhere. Let Rihanna tattoo all she wants. And while we're at it, if 50 Cent wants to run a backstreet abortion clinic, so be it. Let Neil Diamond perform minor hip surgery if he wishes. Let Geri Halliwell run a pub in her back garden selling illicit hooch if the public demand it. But don't let Piers Morgan anywhere near anything. That would be taking things too far.
Madness of course. Why does everything require qualifications and appropriate permission these days? Where will it all end? They'll expect doctors to have proper medical training next. It's just another example of namby pamby nanny state nonsense. When we were kids we didn't care about risk and health and safety. We would happily dash each other's brains out with rocks in fields full of poisonous frogs all day long, and eat dirt butties for lunch washed down with bleach. Never did us any harm, and there is no evidence that people then had shorter lifespans apart from some sketchy stats around the average age being a lot lower.
As you can see from the pic here Rihanna is actually pretty good at tattooing. However, it isn't that difficult as I discovered over the weekend (click here).
I am but a humble slave eternally kissing the feet of Rihanna for her classic hit "Umbrella". Never has a singer been so defined by the name of her most famous song - everywhere you look she is referred to as the Umbrella Singer. This miffed me at first, as that was my handle during my 2001 karaoke pomp - but I have learned to accept it.
I say, justice for Rihanna. If superstar divas can't go round flouting the law in a way that normal people couldn't, where would celebrity show-off culture be? Nowhere. Let Rihanna tattoo all she wants. And while we're at it, if 50 Cent wants to run a backstreet abortion clinic, so be it. Let Neil Diamond perform minor hip surgery if he wishes. Let Geri Halliwell run a pub in her back garden selling illicit hooch if the public demand it. But don't let Piers Morgan anywhere near anything. That would be taking things too far.
Friday, 10 July 2009
Brollitas in umberate
Pope Benedict loves an umbrella (click here). And his latest Encyclical makes some interesting points.
"Rain is God's way of watering his garden. But is also his way of testing our good nature and our spirits. The design of the umbrella cannot simply of come about by accident or through man's ingenuity alone. It is too perfect. It must have come as part a divine masterplan."
Interestingly, the umbrella has played a significant role in the Catholic Church over time as the following passage from TS Crawford's invaluable Brief history of the umbrella highlights.
"A mosaic in a church in Rome suggests that the Roman emperor Constantine presented a ceremonial umbrella to Pope Sylvester I in the fourth century. Four hundred years later, Pope Paul I bestowed on a German ruler a bejewelled model, probably around the time that the original Utrecht psalter was compiled, depicting David with an umbrella."
Me, I have no great love of the Catholic (or any other) church. But plenty of people do so and if the Pope thinks gamps are cool then all the better.
"Rain is God's way of watering his garden. But is also his way of testing our good nature and our spirits. The design of the umbrella cannot simply of come about by accident or through man's ingenuity alone. It is too perfect. It must have come as part a divine masterplan."
Interestingly, the umbrella has played a significant role in the Catholic Church over time as the following passage from TS Crawford's invaluable Brief history of the umbrella highlights.
"A mosaic in a church in Rome suggests that the Roman emperor Constantine presented a ceremonial umbrella to Pope Sylvester I in the fourth century. Four hundred years later, Pope Paul I bestowed on a German ruler a bejewelled model, probably around the time that the original Utrecht psalter was compiled, depicting David with an umbrella."
Me, I have no great love of the Catholic (or any other) church. But plenty of people do so and if the Pope thinks gamps are cool then all the better.
What's in a name drop?
It's been a busy old week, what with my other media commitments with the Guardian (see yesterday's post), and I am a bit behind with my blogging, so this post will be a bit of a catch up.
One of the reasons why I am so busy is because of the sheer range of things BUBB is currently involved in. I had an email from a member the other day along these lines, the gist of which was "is there anything that you won't stick your oar into, whether it's got anything to do with the interests of your members or not" and the answer is of course no, and quite rightly.
A ship does not sail alone and I am fortunate to have such a wonderful and skilled crew (Oxford, naturally). I see it as one of my biggest successes that I have been able to recognise talent and nurture it to make my own shortfalls seem less apparent. Actually I couldn't give a shit about my staff. This whole passage is the prelude to once again quite brazenly plugging the professional services of a mate. I believe that the old sterile traditional procedures of fairly and openly advertising a position to all are redundant. Much better to use a headhunter, such as, for example, I don't know but off the top of my head Donald Holding, formerly of Spokespools but now at Feudal. Headhunting is a completely valid practice enabling the richer organisations to poach all the best talent, thus keeping them strong, suppressing diversity and competition while keeping salaries for the elite (Oxford, naturally) artificially high.
At the same time, the headhunter makes a nice wedge through commission and because it is in their interest to constantly move people from job to job, all sense of stability is sacrificed. I myself harbour wishes of being headhunted (and I know some of my trustees share the same view...in one case to the point of me being headhunted in the original Pacific Island tribe sense) but with each passing day this seems more and more unlikely.
On a different tack, David Cameron made some remarks recently that have stirred up the old debate about whether there should be one overriding (or umbrella) term for umbrella. I don't want to get dragged into this sort of navel gazing. In my view umbrella, brolly, gamp, bumbershoot all have their merits and we would be much better served getting on with the job rather than trying to settle on one of them as definitive. But if we do it should be umbrella and definitely nothing with canopy in the title.
Finally, I had the privilege of sharing the stage with one of my heroes earlier this week (click here). Mr Benn is still a fascinating speaker, and although increasingly prone to fanciful flights of whimsy and imagination, he has a wealth of experience and stories from which we can all learn.
One of the reasons why I am so busy is because of the sheer range of things BUBB is currently involved in. I had an email from a member the other day along these lines, the gist of which was "is there anything that you won't stick your oar into, whether it's got anything to do with the interests of your members or not" and the answer is of course no, and quite rightly.
A ship does not sail alone and I am fortunate to have such a wonderful and skilled crew (Oxford, naturally). I see it as one of my biggest successes that I have been able to recognise talent and nurture it to make my own shortfalls seem less apparent. Actually I couldn't give a shit about my staff. This whole passage is the prelude to once again quite brazenly plugging the professional services of a mate. I believe that the old sterile traditional procedures of fairly and openly advertising a position to all are redundant. Much better to use a headhunter, such as, for example, I don't know but off the top of my head Donald Holding, formerly of Spokespools but now at Feudal. Headhunting is a completely valid practice enabling the richer organisations to poach all the best talent, thus keeping them strong, suppressing diversity and competition while keeping salaries for the elite (Oxford, naturally) artificially high.
At the same time, the headhunter makes a nice wedge through commission and because it is in their interest to constantly move people from job to job, all sense of stability is sacrificed. I myself harbour wishes of being headhunted (and I know some of my trustees share the same view...in one case to the point of me being headhunted in the original Pacific Island tribe sense) but with each passing day this seems more and more unlikely.
On a different tack, David Cameron made some remarks recently that have stirred up the old debate about whether there should be one overriding (or umbrella) term for umbrella. I don't want to get dragged into this sort of navel gazing. In my view umbrella, brolly, gamp, bumbershoot all have their merits and we would be much better served getting on with the job rather than trying to settle on one of them as definitive. But if we do it should be umbrella and definitely nothing with canopy in the title.
Finally, I had the privilege of sharing the stage with one of my heroes earlier this week (click here). Mr Benn is still a fascinating speaker, and although increasingly prone to fanciful flights of whimsy and imagination, he has a wealth of experience and stories from which we can all learn.
Thursday, 9 July 2009
Time for a root-and-branch review of umbrella manufacturing
Click here to read my thoughts as published in the Guardian. (Go to comments section).
Tuesday, 7 July 2009
Cuts
Everywhere you look there are cuts. Spending cuts, job cuts, cutbacks, back cuts. Soon we will be back to the 70s and have power cuts, cut flower cuts and even cut cuts. This is of course all the fault of the bankers who should be cut painfully. Their cut throat attitude in the cut'n'thrust world of finance (more tickle gullet and snip'n'splutter now) has cut us all adrift.
Cuts everywhere. Even I was accused of being a cut the other day (I think that is what the bloke said) and I have had to substantially remodel my jib after one of my trustees told me that he didn't like the cut of it.
But in the midst of all this cutting there is one key debate that needs resolving in umbrella land. I'll cut to the chase - is carrying an umbrella unmasculine? This has all been triggered by some cutting remarks that Tiger Woods received at the rain drenched US Open golf last month, after he made the cut. When he used an umbrella one inebriated fool yelled: "We're on Long Island, baby, where men are men! Put that umbrella down!" (I cut and pasted the quote from the original article).
And the guy writing here has also put up with some abuse over his manhood (another name for a chap brolly).
These blokes have the right idea. Embrace the rain, use umbrella, watch football, drink beer. Even if one of them did rather ruin it by knocking his pint over while balancing his brolly.
I ask you, how can anyone question that Alpha males do carry gamps when you can take a picture like this (or should I say that)? (Thanks to Hector for his).
Some say that the first cut is the deepest but that isn't always the case. Whatever, enough I say. Cut it out. Masculinity is not about brollies. It's about cuts. Haircuts.
Cuts everywhere. Even I was accused of being a cut the other day (I think that is what the bloke said) and I have had to substantially remodel my jib after one of my trustees told me that he didn't like the cut of it.
But in the midst of all this cutting there is one key debate that needs resolving in umbrella land. I'll cut to the chase - is carrying an umbrella unmasculine? This has all been triggered by some cutting remarks that Tiger Woods received at the rain drenched US Open golf last month, after he made the cut. When he used an umbrella one inebriated fool yelled: "We're on Long Island, baby, where men are men! Put that umbrella down!" (I cut and pasted the quote from the original article).
And the guy writing here has also put up with some abuse over his manhood (another name for a chap brolly).
These blokes have the right idea. Embrace the rain, use umbrella, watch football, drink beer. Even if one of them did rather ruin it by knocking his pint over while balancing his brolly.
I ask you, how can anyone question that Alpha males do carry gamps when you can take a picture like this (or should I say that)? (Thanks to Hector for his).
Some say that the first cut is the deepest but that isn't always the case. Whatever, enough I say. Cut it out. Masculinity is not about brollies. It's about cuts. Haircuts.
Friday, 3 July 2009
Preparing for the worse
It is now official - there is a bear market for brollies. The FT says so (click here). A mixture of the recession and good weather means these are desperate times for the umbrella sector. We need to consider where we can make cuts, not to compromise on quality but to maximise efficiency. Brolly boffins should collaborate and pool knowledge to improve the process for producing black faux-silk. Manufacturers should collude on price to keep them artificially higher than necessary. And would it not be cheaper to make duck head handles by using real duck's heads instead of elaborately carved wooden ones?
We need to constantly keep shouting at the government, demanding support and the long-mooted umbrella bank. The government will be making its own cuts in public spending and there is a real opportunity here for us. Why can't we undercut the public and private sectors and take on contracts for all manner of services such as health care and waste management. We could even have a crack at running prisons as from my recent experience we couldn't do a worse job. Basically, we can offer average public services on the cheap - our lack of any experience in these areas should be no barrier, indeed could be a positive boon if we are to maintain the same level of mediocrity as is currently being offered.
We need to constantly keep shouting at the government, demanding support and the long-mooted umbrella bank. The government will be making its own cuts in public spending and there is a real opportunity here for us. Why can't we undercut the public and private sectors and take on contracts for all manner of services such as health care and waste management. We could even have a crack at running prisons as from my recent experience we couldn't do a worse job. Basically, we can offer average public services on the cheap - our lack of any experience in these areas should be no barrier, indeed could be a positive boon if we are to maintain the same level of mediocrity as is currently being offered.
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