Open letter to new Umbrella Commission chair, Billy Shortshrift

OIIIIII, BILLY SHORTSHRIFT. YOU WANT SOME? DO? YOU? WANT? SOME? HEY? COS I'M A BIT TASTY IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN.

I don't mean it personally, Billy. But I find it's always best to try and impose yourself on new regulators, set your stall out, show no weakness. In case they try and regulate against you.

Now Billy, I am sure you are very capable and nice and things but be a good boy and keep your right wing opinions and thoughts to yourself and just get on with regulating.

Unless it is in an area where it suits me for you not to regulate. In those instances, stop regulating. Turning a blind eye to trustee payments would be a cracking start. And any comments in my blog that could be construed as political campaigning.

Don't worry, I will constantly remind you of what you should be doing in my blog whether you like it or not.

Good luck Billy. You're gonna need it pal.

Yours

Sir Robin Bogg
(Ex Oxford, naturally, like you wink wink)

Footnote:

Thanks for those who offered suggestions for Billy's Boggname.

My old mucker Lester Twomore, head honcho at the Brolly Lottery Fund (which should be renamed the Bogg Lottery Fund in my honour - like the lottery any impact and positive effect I have on good causes is purely incidental to the fact that really what I am about is a load of balls) offered Will.I.Am Deffoangry and I was myself toying with Will.I.Am YoFoShizzleX. (one for the hip happening musically clued up kool kidzs, like Lester).

And on a similar theme an anonymous person thought Wilhelm Abidingly-Querulous (ABQ to his Eton and Oxford chums) would be a good one.

But the glory almost goes to Don Peck (@commoncapital on Twitter) who inspired the Shortshrift moniker with his idea of Grill Shortcrust.

New chair at Umbrella Commission

It seems that the Umbrella Commission is about to appoint a new chair to succeed Dame Luci Vinyl. The lucky chap who my spoofer Sir Stephen Bubb would call William Shawcross [INSERT BOGG NAME - SUGGESTIONS WELCOME - NO PRIZES, JUST GLORY] was educated at Eton, and more importantly, Oxford, naturally. What could possibly go wrong in having someone with such a background at the helm?

Keeping me in my old age

It's a commonplace to observe that umbrella ownership is often highly unrepresentative. Too many men. Too white (the owners that is not the brollies. They're usually black). And often too old. And quite right too. The age issue is an interesting one. Clearly older people are better as they have more gamp owning experience. But there are very few young people involved in gamp governance.

Recently I came across an organisation, "Young Canopy Crusties" and it's (you'd think with my Oxford, naturally, education I would know my apostrophe from my elbow) dynamic founder Felix Swift. This young whippersnapper is suggesting that more young people need to be involved in umbrella governance. Is he mad? Sure, if we get to pay people for brolly board membership then the young will expect less leaving more loot for the rest of us but surely what we need is even older gamp governors and canopy crusties. How else am I going to carry on living in the style to which I am accustomed when BUBB finally get rid of me? (Next year if you're wondering).

The same thing applies to old brollies. Just because you're bit broken, smell musty and leak everywhere it doesn't mean you're on the scrapheap. As I am living proof of.

Speaking of which, it was good to see umbrellas feature prominently in the opening ceremony at the Paralympics. Even if your spokes are broken you can still perform at a decent level and the brolly bits were all down to my role as chair of the ROBOG organising committee.

I am now spending a  few days in Devon bothering my family, and specifically mentioning the relatives who went to Oxford, naturally. This part of Devon miraculously remains a hidden gem despite me mentioning in my blog every year. Or perhaps because I do.

Outrageous appointment by Umbrella Commission - and the Boggympics

I am shocked and outraged that the Umbrella Commission has appointed some Dead Wood as interim chair to replace Dame Luci Vinyl until a permanent appointment is made. If they wanted someone who could pretend to fill in on a part time basis (while being paid a nice little retainer authorised by the Umbrella Commission - these cushy non-exec roles won't pay themselves you know, not unless I have anything to do with it) then surely I should have been the prime candidate.

Other than that, BUBB is fully caught up in the fervour of the Boggympics. There has been plenty of rain so far and a chance to show the British brolly wielding public at its best. And I have set myself up as ROBOG so I can take over the organisation of the games. For a start I shall be filling those empty seats with patriotic umbrellas to add a splash of colour. Go Team BOGGB!!!

Employment issues

It's not often I write on HR stuff - my employment policy is well known. Recruit from Oxford, naturally, let them do all the donkey work and clear up the mess I leave behind, which I can then take credit and knighthoods for.


The umbrella sector is lucky to be able to attract highly talented and committed gamps thanks to headhunters such as DONALD HOLDING. Politicians sometimes forget we employ large numbers of staff. The Brolly Sector Research Centre estimates 1.1 million! And this could grow even more if I get my way and all trustees are paid.


(I note that Sir Hubert is causing a stink about the paid trustee thing claiming that BUBB was the only sector voice shouting for it. Tough titty Hubert old fruit. If you can't get enough high profile trusteeships to make it worth your while supporting this proposal that is your look out.)


I doubt many umbrellas have given much thought to how they will be employed during the Olympics but if it pisses down like it has happily been all summer they could well need proper advice. And it is worrying that there will be a shortage of umbrellas used to provide security from wet weather at the games despite there being many available to take on this role. It is disgraceful that the Army will be used to provide precipitation cover and the controversial siting of massive umbrellas on top of Council blocks was also badly thought through. 


It is also a concern that a number of athletes have been lost on transport en route from Heathrow to Stratford and have ended up at the TfL Lost Property Office on Baker St like so many brollies do every day.


But umbrellas caught up in the whole circus can get advice thanks to an invaluable corporate partner BUBB has used to develop HR sagacity as a free service. So it is only right that I should give Trellis Shittam a free plug in my blog though they have begged me not to for fear of negative publicity by association.

Hotchpotch review of canopies!

Well done to Lord Hotchpotch who has published his scattergun review of the Canopies Act. On the whole a very sensible set of recommendations and proposals as they agree with stuff what I have been championing - indeed Hotchpotch nicked all of the stuff on the history of umbrellas from my own lectures (which I actually made up but there you go).

I am delighted about the suggestion that people can be paid to look after large umbrellas without needing permission from the Umbrella Commission. Not large sums of course. After all if you look after lots of umbrellas even small payments will soon rack up. I for one will be seeking to make a tidy packet as a professional trustee of brollies.

Also good to see gubbins to encourage more social investment which I have always been keen to promote to my members for reasons that are completely unconnected to my other entirely distinct role as chair of Brolly Investment Business.

And it is quite right that Umbrella Commission regulation should be made more flexible. After all by sometimes criticising them for doing too much regulating and sometimes saying they aren't regulating enough depending on what the issue is and how it affects me I have shown I can be flexible in how I view Umbrella Commission regulation. 


I have been very quiet recently on the blogging front as I have been working behind the scenes to try and ensure the plans to reform the House of Lords make provision for me securing a peerage. But to no avail.

Still at least that bastard Rob Diamante has been kicked out of Barclays. Though it would be incredibly amusing if I were to say without a shred of irony in my blog (as my spoofer Sir Stephen Bubb did) that it is important not to think that "if only we get rid of some at the top we will be able to move on".

Outed?

My spoofer Sir Stephen Bubb is teasing me, saying he thinks he spotted me at the Canopy Awards  last week following information he received from a certain Matthew Thompson or Mark Luke and John Supergrass to give him his correct name - CEO of something to do with umbrella recyclin). But I am not convinced Bubb was even there. Sure, there was someone who looked like him who was bothering my Great Aunt Maud while the Great Man was trying to quietly eat his dinner and secretly fill his jerry can with left overs but they weren't wearing a white dinner jacket so can't have been the real thing. Perhaps my spoofer has a spoof spoofer

I might well have been on table 50 as Sir Stephen suggests but that could mean I am Nick Hancock or Steve Punt. Or Dylan Twirley.