SIR BOGG'S BLUB

Hiding in Cyprus

2012-02-01T08:33:00.003Z

On holiday in Cyprus. I tried to find an obscure semi-umbrella related conference to hang this trip around but was unable to. Luckily Pepe Ohdearie has tried to set up some meetings for me while I am here, doubtless with funky techno-grime-dubstep-rave-trance-electro-squawk-jazz-disco-funk-hippety-hoppety-shouty-nonsense-bloody-raaaaaaaaaah-not-proper-music-like-Elgar club owners, that I can pretend are work related. And I will be looking at my Blackberry all of the time to catch up with the news, track emails and see what my spoofer is saying about me. Probably some predictable guff about me taking YET another foreign trip, as if it is something I should care about.

I did manage to secure stay in the magnificently flooded city of Venice over the weekend for the EuCLUTS (European Committee of Leadership in Umbrella Technology and Sophistication) board meeting. EuCLUTS is a fantastic organisation that has boosted my travel CV loads AND has made a valuable contribution to propping up the Eurozone on the back of my members' money.

Still, I deserve a break as I have been very busy recently. Some of it proper work related as well.

But I am keeping a low profile as I am fearful that if they're going to strip away Knighthoods from people who have been proved not to have actually deserved them then I may be next.

I do feel sorry for Fred Goodwin though. What will the multi-millionaire ex-banker with massive pension do with himself now that he has been separated from an anachronistic, meaningless symbol of privilege?

Sorry!

2012-01-17T16:47:00.004Z

Only joking, I have nothing to be sorry about.

I did of course mean Surrey. I accepted an invitation to give some local authority types on Surrey County Council the benefit of my experience on how they should engage with the umbrella sector even though the meeting was outside the county of Surrey. Indeed because it was outside Surrey. Kingston, Jamaica is one of the few places left on my bucket (or Bogget) list of destinations for a gratis overseas beano. Therefore I said "yes, I'd love to come and chat to you" before you could say "West Indian freebie". Imagine my disgust when I realised it was in Kingston-upon-Thames.

I have mentioned before that any Councils who don't do what I want when engaging with gamps will be named and shamed on my blog AND I will get my old friend, communities secretary Derek Gherkins to come down on them like a tonne of bricks. Or in his case, a left leg.

Though I did my best to talk down to them they inevitably raised the old chestnut about the brolly sector needing to get its act together and how we shouldn't naturally assume we are good simply because we are the umbrella sector. Heaven forbid. Recognising this is one of the many things that we are so much better at than any other sector.

We sometimes lose good friends and allies by bad behaviour. When I say we I mean I. And it's no good pretending that what we always do is brilliant even though I act as if everything I do is.

After that it was off to the House of Lords for a reception (25 years of some journal or other...honestly, these organisations that use an arbitrary amount of time in existence such as a quarter of century as the basis for spurious anniversary blow outs, eh?) simply to set up a knowing witty aside to my spoofer Sir Stephen Bubb along the lines of "if I spend any more time in there they'll assume the peerage has finally been bestowed" as if I am in on the whole joke rather than it's unwilling butt.

Support the Lords!

2012-01-13T15:58:00.002Z

Thankfully the House of Lords has kicked out some of the more distasteful elements of the government's welfare reforms, even if they did so using terms like "If we are going to rob the poor to pay the rich, then we enter into a different form of morality," which from an institution that still contains some people who are only there because their ancestors did exactly that in the past is a bit rich.

The Lords deserve our support. Not least because there is bugger all use me working so hard to get a peerage if it isn't going to mean much in a few years.

Clearing out?

2012-01-09T11:35:00.002Z

I was going to blog about having a right good New Year clear out but when having a right good New Year clear out (it's when I do all my best thinking) I remembered this blog post from two years ago about having a right good clear out so it would be easier for me if you just read that.

Sometimes I can't bear to throw papers away so I redistribute to grateful office staff to wipe their arses on when they have their own good clear out. But the amount of shit in my office from my free jollies around the world is growing to ridiculous levels. I am constipated by memorabilia and I can reveal that the real reason for me moving into Sir Hubert's box room later this year is that I plan to stash some of my artifacts in his loft and shed without him noticing.

Oh, and anyone want to see a photo of me looking all twee and 1970s, full of youthful promise, exuberance, ready to change the world and battle the establishment rather than becoming part of it?

Thought not.

Justifying leadership

2012-01-05T12:52:00.003Z

A fascinating documentary on King George V on Tuesday. No one would claim George as a great intellect. He was a terrible father heading up a dysfunctional family of benefit scroungers and more interested in shooting books than reading animals. He was, however, an incredibly good leader. Why?

Because despite his obvious flaws he stuck around for ages and no one was able to get rid of him, whether they wanted to or not. Longevity in the face of performance is the key to successful leadership.

His leadership style was based on a sound common sense approach (I can't believe I am writing this shite. Leadership style? He sat in a Palace while others ran the country) and a gut instinct for handling difficult situations such as what to have for dinner. These are, in fact, key leadership attributes. I've often been struck by how important a role instinct plays in making decisions as a CEO. Or to put it another way, blind faith in one's own abilities at the exclusion of what others say if it suits ones own agenda best.

I can point to a number of occasions when the logic or advice I received pointed to a particular decision but I knew it wasn't quite right. Even when it was. Now this is not to suggest you ignore all advice or press ahead regardless but it is to suggest you must be bold , pig headed, brash, pompous, self-righteous and trust your own judgement. Then bluff, blag and bluster when it all goes wrong or let others clear up the mess

Bearing in mind what I have said it would be somewhat ironic if I now commented that I was off to see someone at the Local Government Association and tell them exactly what to do. But you know me, riddled with contradiction. I don't know how I do it, must be pure instinct that I am right. I should be the Pope. In fact if that peerage doesn't come through soon I may try out for the Vatican.

Looking ahead in 2012

2012-01-05T12:44:00.003Z

The umbrella sector faces a great many challenges this year. But rest assured that I will be at the forefront of fighting the corner of brollies everywhere as I press ahead with my efforts to gain a peerage. Sir Hubert and I will be united in our desire to win the race to wear ermine first though those that say we will merge into a single peer, Lord Boggrington of Kings Cross, are way off the mark. We intend to share our robes of state but not stitch them together.

And amidst all the gloom of cuts etc we can at least look forward to nice bright shiny distractions such as the Olympics and the Diamond jubilee to make us forget all the shit. A damp early June and August will see a great boost for UK umbrellas as the eyes of the world will be on us. And more importantly it is BUBB's 25th anniversary, so what better excuse for a year of champagne fuelled trough outs and self congratulatory rhetoric? Our backs won't pat themselves you know.

Happy New Year

Happy Christmas

2011-12-23T15:26:00.002Z

I am now all ready for a 5 day massive blow out. I will cooking swan with all the trimmings. In fact my trimmings will have trimmings. As will the trimmings of the trimmings. And those trimmings will be more swan. And wine of course. If you can't enjoy good food and grog at Xmas when can you apart from every other bloody day of the year especially if some other bugger is paying for it.

I will now share with you my recipe for perfect sprouts even for those who hate them. Boil sprouts for 5 minutes. Slice. Fry in olive oil with some bacon. Add more bacon to taste. Remove the sprouts. Enjoy.

Nice to see David Cameron issue some words about Christian values last week. I am all for phony proclamations of vague faith. Cameron for example is a vaguely practising Christian in the same way that he is vaguely practicing at being a good prime minister.

His treatment of the marginalised in society is a real throwback to the good old days. And we are a traditionally Christian country in that we are still organising groups of people to head over to the Middle East to fight wars.

Still, Dave knows if he wants someone independent to chair a commission or write a report on religion and politics then I am the man. I am sure I can find it within my soul to presume to speak on behalf of the entire brolly sector on the role of Christianity whether they agree with me or not.

It is at this time of year that we remember the real meaning of Christmas. Commercialism.

Speaking of which one thing I am disgusted about is the bloody email Xmas cards I keep getting, especially one from Lester Twobobsworth, chair of the Brolly Lottery Fund. These are a disgrace and an affront to the centuries old tradition of producing expensive yet cheap cards with tacky pictures and trite messages that waste millions of acres of forest while producing profits for the manufacturers and stamp sellers.

Using social media as a way of disseminating seasons greetings is appalling. And with that, can I wish all of my blog readers a Happy Christmas.

Kim Bogg-il

2011-12-20T09:21:00.007Z

It is with great sadness that one of the truly great power crazed evil deluded dictator figures has passed away. Not only was Kim Bogg-il a true master at self aggrandisement and speaking on behalf of people whether they liked it or not, he was a superb golfer and holds the record for most number of golf umbrellas used during a round.

It is a sign of his greatness that even after he died, his corpse was denying his death and then went out and shot 35 under at Pyongyang Municipal golf course.

And he was a keen promoter of brollies. Though I never take credit for the influence I have had on world leaders such as my bezzie mates Tony Blair and Benezir Bhutto, both of whom I influenced hugely, it is obvious that Kim Bogg-il clearly picked up some tips on leadership when I popped into to North Korea a couple of years ago. As I wrote at the time (September 2009):

"Today I am off to North Korea to try and have a word with the Dear Leader about his recent umbrella obsession (click here)"

And these posts outline what he may have gleaned from watching my style of stuff. See here and here.

So all very sad. At this rate there'll be no evil dictator pariah figures left for Western governments to demonise.

Instead the world has been left to contemplate its reaction to death of man capable of crazed words, beloved by some, as Ronnie Wolfe, writer of On the Buses has also died.

And I suspect that sadly today Ronnie Wolfe will become Mother Theresa to Kim Bogg-il's Diana.

Like a rash

2011-12-19T17:11:00.003Z

I am all over the FT like a rash. A pink, blotchy, ill thought out, self scratching, self serving rash. As in a rash outpouring of rhetoric about the government's pink, well possibly not pink, but certainly blotchy, ill thought out, self scratching, self serving rhetoric of Bogg Society.

I said it would never work. I said it was nonsense. Now I say it is irreparably damaged though considering no one was ever sure what the fuck it was in the first place, it is hard to ascertain how this damage is assessed.

Still, it gets me in the papers again. I love to be known as controversial and iconoclastic. Even if it does more for my profile than for the causes of my members.

The BUBB Xmas party was a hoot. Hector Rule proved a remarkably adept balloon modeller though the inflatable gallows he left on my chair didn't go unnoticed. Nor the balloon knife he kept thrusting into my back. At least Fab Jobsworth was on hand to provide an excellent geography quiz. Mind you, it did drag on a bit as he had a question for each of the countries I have wangled a free jolly to this year.

I have been up to NCVO to try and sneak into their Xmas piss up and photocopy my arse on Sir Hubert's photocopier to give the BUBB one a rest this year. Despite the fact I am moving into Hubert's box room next year BUBB is definitely not merging with NCVO, largely because that would reduce the number of shindigs we now host separately, especially at this time of year. Yes, we will collaborate on things like canape menus and wine choices, and Hubert can haul his derriere over to my side of the office and make a xeroxed reproduction of it anytime he wants - shared backside office costs are a good reason to work together - but that is as far as it will go.

My Xmas cards are nearly done. Have sent one to Dylan Twirley saying he should be taken out in front of his family and shot for likening me to Jeremy Clarkson. I am nothing like Clarkson. A gobby, opinionated, self serving, shit stirring arse with a deluded sense of his own importance. I can't even drive.

But someone who is firmly off my list is my friend Deborah Allcock-And-Bull at the Directory of Gampal Strange. She is my friend and has been going round telling people for ages that my loan shark business is rubbish. I suspect that my friend Deborah is only saying this because she is running her own pay day loan racket on the side where wet people can lend a brolly at an extortionate rate of interest until they have chance to purchase a new one when they get paid that they then leave on a train two days later thus meaning they need another loan. A nice business model and one I am sure my friend Deborah is keen to protect.

Anyway, can't hanging around here blogging. Those pints and cosy country pub lunches won't consume themselves.

A handy guide to BBC bias

2011-12-06T09:15:00.003Z

I am often struck by the frequency with which the BBC is accused of bias. Left wingers claim it is doing a fine line spinning for the Coalition and point to Nick Robinson as a prime example of its unfair stance while people on the right hand side of the political spectrum trot out the "stuffed full of bloody do-gooder lefties" line.

Now, I am well known for my contradictory politics, the Brollinger Bolshevik, a true champion of gampagne socialism, quaffing fine wines while discussing how to help the poor. Bashing the greed of bankers while chasing peerages and writing window dressing reports for the Eton elite. Naturally left leaning but with a right wing skew. And while it is possible that there are examples where the Beeb strays from impartiality one way on one subject and the other on another, realistically it can't always be biased both ways at the same time. Which suggests very clearly to me where the real bias lies.

People seem to mistake "bias" with "not presenting things in the same way as I want them presented to fit in with my entrenched ideological standpoint".

But hey what do I know? Maybe I am biased.

Leveson. The nosy bastard

2011-12-05T15:44:00.004Z

The Leveson inquiry into press ethics and privacy and intrusion continues. It is somewhat ironic that the first I have heard about some of these lurid tales of celebrities is via a public hearing into how their privacy was defiled. He's a right nosy bastard this Leveson fellow. I wouldn't be surprised if he went digging around in the bins of the rich and famous when he isn't trying to get actors and the like to cough up their personal secrets. On TV.

And I must say I am pretty pissed off that I haven't been called as a witness myself. I am sure my phone must have been hacked, if only by Sir Hubert or Dylan Twirley (who has thankfully moved on from NAVCA but not before making some stupid points about supping with the devil that I can be hypocritically snide about).

I have had my battles with the press - yes, Canopy Finance, you know what I am talking about, although I did manage to string a half arsed vanity column pimped by Brolly Weekly for 63 years. The umbrella sector press have been unprincipled enough to publish deeply personal information about me, including opinions expressed privately just because I had already blabbed them on my blog. I ask you. Whatever next? Is nothing sacred any more? It used to be the case that what went into a publicly available blog stayed in a publicly available blog. Not any more. Iexpect they will even quote large chunks of this just to wind me up further (please, I beg you, I need the profile, these peerages don't bestow themselves you know. And God knows I have hoped and prayed they would).

If it is gossip Leveson wants, no one drops more names than me. I am as careless with personal information as Oliver Letwin walking in a park.

So come on Leveson, let me have my day on camera. If it's indiscreetness and tittle tattle for personal glory you are after then I am your man.

Latest on NHS competition

2011-12-05T12:51:00.003Z

I am taking a brief retirement from retiring from blogging. Not much has happened to me to be honest since I was last here peddling my own brand of self publicising pomposity. I have again been conflicted by my hatred of the evil bankers and my desire to milk them for sponsorship money. I have been pounding the streets knocking on doors and trying to flog the loan of umbrellas, whether people want them or not.

In keeping with my desire to do as many jobs on top of the one I am paid for by BUBB members as possible I had a brief spell working as a diversity consultant for Tramlink in Croydon which involved me dressing in drag and chatting to fellow customers.

Oh, and my secondment as Jeremy Clarkson's scritpwriter seemed to go without notice.

But other than that it has been very quiet really. No overseas trips now for a couple of weeks. The furthest I have been is walking the dog in Richmond Park, herding deer etc. Though confusingly apparently people say I should now refer to Barkles as Farkles.

But I am very excited by the news that the NHS may be able to flog off patient records and medical data to private firms. Anonymously of course. As people may know I am a keen fan of competition in the NHS and MY report earlier this year made this very clear. Competition is not a disease. And if it were there would be a very long waiting list to cure it. And it is not a dirty word. Parasiticfuckvultures is. But not competition.

Therefore I am delighted that I can make some spare cash by auctioning off my medical history. I am even happy to waive anonymity.

So does anyone want to buy some information on when I was diagnosed with slightly high blood pressure? Who wants details of when I got a splinter just above my eye when I was 5 and needed stitches? Let's start the bidding at £3.50.

Diabetes check when I was 12 (negative). Yours for a fiver. Notes on my visit to the nit nurse in 1984? £1.50 and it's yours. £14 for info about the dodgy mole on my back that turned out to be harmless circa 1998.

If only I had a serious illness I'd be laughing all the way to the bank. It's so unfair

Can I charge higher for details of all the children in my family? Sick kids are the future of the profit driven privately run NHS after all so surely it is worth the private sector investing more now.

I will even throw in my my bank details while we're at it. It will save time for when the government accidentally leaks* them later on.

(*Sells them to fund wars in various countries)

Free dinner

2011-11-09T08:29:00.004Z

There are rumours circulating (started by me) that I may have wangled a free dinner at the Canopy Finance Directors' Group annual bash tonight at the Gampcaster Hotel. I am unable to confirm or deny this (as I am still checking whether there is a croissant and couscous option on the menu).

I am having severe couscous withdrawal symptoms as I have been banned from 487 supermarkets for setting fire to health lottery promotional material. Still, it made a terrific birthday bonfire when the Blacbury Lidl went up in flames on Saturday.

I haven't been officially invited to CFDG's baked-bean-counters trough-out but anyone with a dinner jacket and brass balls can usually just waltz into a fancy hotel and blag a free nosebag.

Assuming I am not too busy retiring from writing blog posts and do decide to attend, please feel fee to come and say "Wassup, Sir Robin, my main man, bro' you're sure looking cool, dude, check out that Knighthood" if you spot me and I have got past security. Some people claim they are unsure what I look like but I can assure you I look in person just as I do in the photos.

Of course I may not be going at all and this could all be some sort of a highly amusing test but if you do introduce yourself to someone who isn't really me you'll still have made a new friend. Albeit a very confused one.

Actually, perhaps I should have a code sentence for people to use. How about "Give me women (or men), wine, and snuff, until I cry out "hold, enough!". That way even if you speak to the wrong person you may at least get something interesting and have a cracking night.

Incidentally, that line is Shelley for non-poetic blog readers. Indeed it's Shelley for the poetic ones as well, but it just sounds more condescending if I highlight my classical Oxford, naturally, education in comparison to those who are uncultured barbarians. Which makes me look even more of a pompous arse when you realise that it's actually Keats. Oops.

Not blogging about the health lottery

2011-11-02T15:47:00.003Z

Not gallivanting around Australia blogging and definitely not orchestrating a Qantas dispute so I can spend extra time there plus a wangle a bonus stay in Singapore and a visit to Raffles (I am so cliched it's not true. Which is in itself a cliche. Which in itself has become a cliche. Which isn't so much a cliche. Which definitely isn't a cliche) has given me an opportunity to actually get stuck into an issue that could affect all of my members - the disgraceful health lottery. This shocking idea by everyone's favourite porn-baron media mogul Richard Desmond (or to give him is Bogg name, Dick, well, just Dick) basically promises to be better than the existing lottery but basically it's a right lottery and could see a reduction in brollies.

I have publicly gone into my local Lidl and knocked over their health lottery promotional display and torn up their tickets. This is because I passionately believe this lottery is a threat to the umbrella sector and not because I see it as a cause I can hitch my bandwagon to. If that were the case I would have just penned an open letter urging supermarkets to boycott the health lottery as a way of generating publicity for Bubb.

But why stop there? While I am trying to dictate to commercial businesses exactly what legal products they can and can't sell why not add some other things to my basket of grievances. Supermarkets should also ban Dick newspapers the Express and the Star because they are shit. As is Channel 5. No supermarket employees should be allowed to watch it. It's for their own good. And I don't much like kumquats, supermarket own brand custard creams or yoghurts with fruit lumps in them so they should all be banned as well. And if Lidl could stock catering size bags of couscous that would be dandy. In fact that is a crucial issue. I may pen an open letter on that soon. And then launch a commission. Ooooh, yes a commission. That's what we need. Can I chair it? Please? Oh go on, I love chairing things. I won't blog about it - promise.

Because I have retired from blogging. And I am a man of my word.

Spending my retirement from blogging not blogging from Australia

2011-10-30T13:10:00.004Z

How long can I string this trip to Oz out for and not blog about it? Even the Queen has pissed off back home. I reckon I can stay here until Australia is a Republic or at least until King Charles turns up. Hector? Keep up the good work in my absence

Retiring from retiring?

2011-10-25T09:37:00.003+01:00

It's a pity I have retired from blogging or else I'd be having a lovely time in Australia, thinking up some "tasteless digs" to have at people without thick skin.

Resting my weary blog

2011-10-20T08:22:00.002+01:00

I can't sustain it any more. As much as I try and travel to as many spurious gasbag gatherings in exotic global locations (this week it is Perth, Australia for some Commonwealth themed excuse) or pimp my loan shark business to BUBB members despite clearly undertaking to keep the 2 roles distinct, my spoofer Sir Stephen Bubb is always one step ahead of me.

Therefore I am taking a rest from blogging though I will still be sharing my nuggets of brolly wisdom on Twitter at @robinbogg

One of those holding blog posts so people don't think I am dead

2011-10-11T10:11:00.004+01:00

Still recovering from the Tory party conference. Being chased by a hungry Derek Gherkins is no fun. Other than that the whole shambolic event was beyond parody .

PS Loans are great. I say this completely impartially. I would never advocate lending a brolly to BUBB members simply because I chair another organisation that relies on people lending brollies. That would be like confusing which hat I was wearing.

Which party conference am I at this week? It's hard to tell the difference when you listen to the speeches

2011-09-28T18:47:00.006+01:00

Now in Liverpool. More networking and speaking bollocks to truth and those not in power.

Did some media on the Desmond health lottery which I think is a disgrace and tell anyone who will listen about it thus giving it loads of free publicity. How dare someone try and pretend to care about those less fortunate than them in a hollow gesture designed to further his own career. As a direct competitor It will divert money from the National Lottery and there is no place for competition or lotteries in health matters. Unless I am talking about competition and the lottery it will make of the NHS in MY recent report in which case it is perfectly OK and definitely not a dirty word.

We had a joint BUBB-NCVO fringe event (to which Sir Hubert was obviously banned for not being in possession of one. I will never tire of that joke) and had a speech from the great God Megagrand, brother of the man who should have become Labour leader, about our sector's role. He is most effective and talks about how he feels he is "coming home" as his first job was as brolly sector Minister. And he made the most charming remarks about yours truly (he didn't).

Shame he didn't give me a mention in his keynote speech yesterday. He did helpfully point out that he wasn't Tony Blair though he'd better not forget my influence on his career like Tony has if he wants to avoid being compared to him in future. I invented Tony Blair when we were at Oxford, naturally, and single-handedly put God on the first rung to not becoming Prime Minister and he'd do well to remember that.

I thought he made some good points about ending the UK's fast buck culture, which I have already had printed onto T-Shirts and have been selling for £20 a pop. And I thought it was helpful for a man with a vested interest in being seen to tackle vested interests say he was going to tackle vested interests. I deplore vested interests, personally, except the ones that help me.

Hector Rule spoke for the sector in saying at times of gloom we should also remember to have fun and keep our spirits up! Which will come as a great tonic to all the poor broken brollies struggling to make spokes meet that we are supposed to be representing. I mean, it's all very well to let your hair down, but it's even better to brag about it in a way that may be construed as insensitive.

And with that I took to the stage with the rest of the Boggleg Beatles band, the Fab Jobsworth Four. We did a great version of Rain (naturally), I Wanna Hold Your Handle and Lady Gampdonna.

Then there were some requests from the Twitter crowd:

Here Comes the Sun/Rain/Sun, Happiness Ain't a Worn Gamp and the Rubber Parasoul album in its entirety - @scottishwampa

While My Gutter Gently Weeps - @ephemeraldog

Umbrell-i Umbrell-a - @br1mcg

Brollythene Pam - @DRstarT

Helter Shelter - @matthewjrudd

Norwegian Wood-handled Umbrella (This Gamp has Flown) - @domweinberg

And we finished with me belting out "I am the Boggman, I am the Boggman, I am shameless".

Haven't blogged for ages

2011-09-26T08:27:00.007+01:00

Have been too busy not spending time in the office and grudgingly collaborating with NCVO on events, including organising a riot to show our displeasure at the government response to the riots. On the plus side we have now a greater canape budget but on the negative I can't belch without consulting Sir Hubert. And we spend more time stating that we are NOT going to merge, despite the fact I will soon be sleeping in his box room, than we do discussing the things the events are about. Not that content matters. An event should stand solely by being an event. And by the quality of the free troughing opportunities.

I have spent time swanning around the Lib Dem conference. God knows why as they are about as effective in the Coalition as homeopathic medicine but it is a good excuse for networking. And networking is important. I have justified many a meaningless jolly with networking. It is what sets us apart from the animals. Actually, knowing what sets us apart from the animals is what sets us apart from the animals. And knowing that knowing what sets us apart from the animals is what sets us apart from the animals is what sets us apart from the animals. And couscous.

I also managed to squeeze in yet another jaunt to Europe (Naples this time) to discuss high end issues of European importance on social investment. Not that any of it will matter when the Euro dies and Europe collapses into the pit of its own bureaucracy but no one will be able to accuse me of not doing my best to prop up a moribund currency with members' money on trips of marginal importance to them.

And on a final note as if I didn't have enough to worry about I see the Umbrella Commission, the regulator, is looking for umbrellas to advise themselves and for organisations like BUBB to help do their job for them. Anyway, got to go as Dame Luci Vinyl needs her cushions plumping and Gamp Danger wants his arse wiping. With Dame Luci's cushions. Or it could be the other way round.

Away again

2011-09-12T14:20:00.002+01:00

Surely I am not off speaking at yet ANOTHER overseas conference, this time in Crack Off, Poland? I bet my members can feeeeeeeeeeeeel the value.

Getting to Crack Off in the luxury and style I am accustomed is not as easy as you might think. Or indeed I thought when I accepted the invitation. There is only an Easyjet flight direct. This leaves at 6am and I refuse to get up early, not when I can fly to Warsaw and get the train and speed through the Polish countryside whilst taking a leisurely dinner in dining car. Unfortunately the train journey took 3 days, there was no food and I had to get out at one point and help push. What's the point of me gadding about Europe talking about things of marginal concern to most umbrellas if I don't get a decent feed? Still I am sure my members will be cheered by the fact I have posted some nice holiday snaps on my blog for them to look at while they get on with their boring jobs helping people.

Have I no shame?

2011-09-06T14:14:00.003+01:00

When it comes to talking about bankers that is. All evil, bonus-grabbing, state subsidised bastards. Especially that Uneven Blister, CEO of RBS. Except, of course, when they are speaking at and sponsoring BUBB's annual conference. Then they're OK and I am quite happy to give them a platform for their views AND charge my members for the privilege of hearing them.

Back from an extended break in the Philippines where I have been plugging the resort of Donald Holding's Gampkido (an ancient martial art involving umbrellas) partner like some tawdry travel brochure with pictures on my blog (makes a change from plugging Donald's headhunting services I suppose).

I was shown round my new lodgings with Sir Hubert yesterday and I have a fold up bed in a box room. Apparently there are plans to move other umbrella sector leaders in to form some sort of a hub. And we all know how the last hubs worked out don't we. Ridiculous idea. I think we can all get together and agree that collaboration doesn't work unless it is on my terms.

Oh, and was delighted to see Private Eye completely taken in by the blog of my spoofer, Sir Stephen Bubb, doing their own piss take seemingly without realising it is in itself a clever parody of my own chaotic online ramblings. I should be angry about this I suppose but I will don my thickest skin and treat it like the honour it clearly isn't. After all, all publicity is good publicity even the bad publicity.

Why am I in the Philippines?

2011-08-26T12:16:00.004+01:00

Somehow I have wangled a free trip to Manila on the premise of me being an expert on social enterprise. I was described as a leading UK social entrepreneur by the Manila Star so it must be true. Even though it isn't.

Why did they ask me to go when my deputy chair Hillda Ogden-Newton&Ridley is eminently more qualified. And nicer to look at. Perhaps because she was busy doing her job and things.

On reflection, though, if it refers to my uncanny and enterprising ability to go to as many social events as possible while pretending to do my job then fair enough. Otherwise I am not sure how I am representing the interests of my members, some of whom aren't even arsed about the social enterprise bandwagon that I wholeheartedly travel in while presuming to speak on behalf of the whole brolly sector about it.

Not sure there is anything I can teach people who have been enterprising enough to sell products about social entrepeneurialship. It's a self fulfilling movement in many ways.

Just a shame I missed a chance to have a ding dong with Paxman on Newsnight about something of far more relevance to most of my members - government plans to force young people to volunteer to use umbrellas in the hope they won't be as naughty in future. I expect Hector Rule did a good job though. I must stop leaving the country in the time it takes someone to say "free foreign beano" or people will assume that it is him really running BUBB.

Re-finding my moral mojo

2011-08-22T17:18:00.004+01:00

These riots have had one good outcome. They have reinvigorated my enthusiasm for doing my job properly on behalf of my members. Instead of swanning around engaging on vanity projects for Dave I have been sticking up for brollies that were looted or who those who are trying to shelter the dampest members of society even though their numbers are being cut.

I have been speaking unusual good sense about how we should respond in a positive, constructive manner rather than just handing out irrational, unfair populist justice and flinging people into prison to slake the thirst of those seeking revenge. Mind you, a boost to prison numbers would increase the chances of the brolly sector running prisons which you may recall was a particular hobby horse of mine a couple of years ago. And Dylan Twirley is buggering off from NAVCA so won't be around to get all arsey with me and bring up such trivial matters as umbrella law.

I have been writing letters to the PM and everything although I expect he will be too busy to read them what with cutting short various holidays (official statistics show that he has now spent more time returning from holiday than he has being on a break or doing his job), stopping the riots with his bare hands, jerking off blame, and only today single-handedly taking on Gaddafi armed only with immense moral leadership and Libyarating an entire country. Nearly. What a guy.

As an aside I heard that he has blamed the Tripoli riots on the moral collapse of Libya's sick society, single parents and EU human rights legislation. I wonder if he'll give Gaddafi a second chance?

Oh, and BUBB has also launched a new commission on the unemployment of young brollies. This is the 48,748th Commission launched during my time as CEO and if we'd staffed and formed them all with unemployed young people rather than the usual trough guzzling suspects we'd have solved the problem of disaffected, disillusioned, hopeless and hapless youth by ourselves. Mind you, no one can say we haven't kept young people busy by ensuring there have been plenty of opportunities for them to peel spuds, make canapes, pour fizz and clean up the mess afterwards, for cash approaching the minimum wage, at our many launch parties.

And as a symbol of someone who has had his youthful promise cruelly halted as the job he craved was snatched from his grasp , what better person to chair this latest waffle wagon of speaking on behalf of others whether they want us to or not (and certainly don't ask them to take part) than Rabid Megagrand MP?

Moral collapse of our sick society

2011-08-17T09:17:00.003+01:00

I thought it was all soundbite politics from knee jerk jerks but then I saw this distressing sight. Hanging is too good for people who abandon gamps like this.

Red brollies under the bed!

2011-08-11T17:22:00.002+01:00

Some twatty MP has accused the National Truss and CPRU (Council for Protection of Rural Umbrellas) of harbouring "left wingers"! These are venerable national institutions we are talking about. They are indeed national treasures run by rather marvellous staff and volunteers. But harbouring Andy Sinton, Tony Galvin, Stewart Downing, John Robertson, John Barnes, Eddie Gray etc? I don't think so.

Not that there is anything wrong with communism as long as it is diluted with a touch of fizzy hypocrisy. I should know what with being a true gampagne socialist - the Brollinger Bolshevik.

The seven deadly Sir Robin Bogg myths

2011-08-08T15:35:00.022+01:00

Umbrellas have been highlighting the impact that cuts in government funding are having on sheltering the most vulnerable people in society. And some bloggers, politicians and columnists have made statements about brollies that are wrong. Earl Scalding at NCVO calls them myths and has set himself up as a myth buster, presumably harbouring some Bill Murray/Dan Ackroyd delusion.

So I just wanted to set the record straight. There are no myths. The existence of myths is a myth. Just because so called facts are repeated to fit agendas when they are incorrect does not make them myths. Perception is very important and as long as people believe things are true that is the main thing. For example, consider how I have recently been portrayed all over the media as a brolly sector expert. It has become an established fact, entrenched by appearing all over the media as a brolly sector expert. People see me on the TV labelled as an expert so ask me to appear on something else and give an opinion, regardless of whether I am an expert or not. Self perpetuation in glorious action (also known as the Taxpayers' Alliance effect).

It is vital that this myth about so called myths is debunked as being a myth otherwise it will have an impact on decision making. As in people making decisions that may affect my career. But if there were any of these so called mythical myths, it would probably be the seven listed below.

Myth #1: Sir Robin Bogg lives off government handouts

This is simply not true. While I have whored my Knighthood around shamelessly to boost my profile, I also live off endless free fizz and canapes blagged at networking events, and lunches with bankers (who are all evil apart from when they feed me).

Myth #2: Sir Robin Bogg funded by government isn't a ‘real’ brolly sector expert

Again, this is not true. I am quite capable of proclaiming to be an expert on whatever I choose irrespective of who is asking me to produce, for example, a report on the health service and brollies.

Myth #3: Sir Robin Bogg doesn't pay any tax

Simply not true. I do pay tax, especially when I can fiddle it through expenses and I am a darn sight better at tipping Italian waitresses than my mate Dave, for instance, especially when the tip goes on expenses as well.

Myth #4: Sir Robin Bogg isn't playing his part in dealing with the deficit

More bollocks. No one has worked harder than me at talking the umbrella sector into the blackest scenario that can possibly be painted to put themselves into a position where they can be seen to be the saviour of umbrellas everywhere.

Myth #5 Sir Robin Bogg can just fundraise his way out of trouble

In theory yes, but can I actually be arsed?

Myth #6 Sir Robin Bogg is just sitting on massive piles of cash

Piffle. Yes I am sitting on massive piles but I have ointment for that. This perception that I am accumulating personal wealth from a career built on the back of the dampest members of society is simply not true and I will repeat that statement from the porch of either of my two houses or from any of my many foreign holidays.

Myth #7 Sir Robin Bogg works for free, so what does he need your money for?

More cock and arse. Yes volunteering is very important and the brolly sector is indebted to the number of gamps getting wet for no reward. But this idea that I myself volunteer without recompense is a nonsense. Voluntary positions such as chairing things are only worth doing if there is payment.

A new mophead at Brolly Investment!

2011-08-04T11:53:00.003+01:00

After headhunting guru Donald Holding (who else?) who has no personal connection with me whatsoever spent literally minutes thumbing through a few CVs and working out which one gave him the biggest commission potential we have appointed Donovan Wingdings as new chief executive of Brolly Investment Business. This was mainly because by having the same first name as the previous incumbent it makes things a bit easier (it's lucky we didn't end up with the Mellow Yellow troubadour. Or child molesting pop impresario Donovan Kong) and he does seem to know about finance and things (not that I would know) though the fact he didn't go to Oxford, naturally, will doubtless come back to haunt us.

Until Donovan MkII starts in September it is left to me to constantly bang the drum for brolly lending to all of my members whether it is appropriate for them or not and with no apparent conflict of interest between my two distinct roles as chair of BIB and CEO of BUBB.

The alternative Graham Norton set..

2011-08-04T11:10:00.006+01:00

I have returned from a few days off sulking in Blacbury. Blacbury is only a few miles away from Chipping Norton and the so called Chipping Norton set of liars and mover and shakers. It is a great shame that Cameron, Brooks and Elizabeth Murdoch have been plotting and scheming and manipulating power while lunching and horse riding and haven't included me.

We need to reclaim Chippy for the people (calling it Chippy should help enormously for a start I think). When I say people I don't mean normal people obviously. We don't want chavs in the Cotswolds - they need to be kept in their ghettoes where we can patronise them for the good of our own careers with promises of cheap brollies. What I mean are either other brolly sector important people like Duncan Gormless of the Brolly Emergency Committee or normal down to earth folk who unlike Murdoch' s evil empire don't seek to wield power by spreading propaganda through barely disguised lies and unsubstantiated stories. Like the Archbishop of Canterbury

It makes my flesh crawl to think that my favourite pub in the area was the scene recently of a tryst between Rupert and Rebekah and I wasn't invited for a menage a trois. I shall be writing to Rupert today inviting him and his gang of criminals to crash on the floor of my box room at Sir Hubert's gaff when I am forced to move there next year.

Still sulking

2011-08-03T08:33:00.002+01:00

Not blogging at the minute, haven't posted for a week, I refuse to talk about the highly publicised change in my domestic arrangements. And my spoofer Sir Stephen Bubb has been strangely quiet as well.

I hope he's alright and hasn't stockpiled five years' supply of couscous and croissants and boarded himself up in his Lambeth garret to read up on squatter's rights.

Yes, yes, it's all SOOO bloody hilarious

2011-07-29T15:51:00.005+01:00

It seems that at long last BUBB and NCVO have succeeded in uniting the whole umbrella sector. Everyone seems to think that my deputy Hector Rule's announcement that I am to move in as Sir Hubert Carrington's lodger next year is bloody hilarious. This idea is supposedly to foster greater collaboration between us. But I am not doing it. I even refuse to collaborate on the press announcements around the whole stupid scheme, as I am sulking. Not even so much as a blog post.

I will leave Hector to enjoy his 15 minutes cracking jokes to the media, saying the right things. Apparently this is not a marriage of convenience. I should bloody hope not. It's not even a marriage of inconvenience. We may have spent years trying to screw each over but this is taking it too far. I will not be his gamp gimp. And it's not some long term scheme to merge myself and Sir Hubert together into one all-powerful-all-fizz guzzling-late-night-texting-super-brolly-Knight

Hector really has got power crazy since I was off work writing MY NHS report. I suspect this whole plan is to make sure Sir Hubert and I end up killing each other in a domestic brolly incident so he can take over both organisations. Next he will be suggesting that BUBB and NCVO share an office, though that might not be such a bad idea. By recognising the friction that exists between the two organisations, we can really build on that, get right on each other's nerves and drive ourselves further apart. And I would quite like the chance to rifle through Earl Scalding's research files so I can doctor fact based evidence that doesn't fit any assumption and agendas I have. Or we could treat it like a Trojan horse tactic - get inside NCVO so we can bring it down from within.

What is so good about collaborating anyway? Why can't we all just get together and agree that it is a waste of time for everyone's benefit? It only has any worth if it's done guiltily to protect one's hide. Vichy France had the right idea.

There have been all sorts of rumours about why I am being forced to move in with Sir Hubert and I can categorically say they are all wrong apart from the ones that are right.

I have not been given an order by the Council to leave East Lambeth as my tomato plants are threatening to destroy the ecosystem and my neighbours haven't complained about me blasting out Rihanna records late at night.

And it is nothing to do with the fact that I can't afford my mortgage.

The more I think of reasons why I can't share with Sir Hubert, the worse it gets. Apparently he is notorious for losing umbrellas and just picking up the first one he sees when leaving the premises meaning other people end up getting pissed on. He never does the washing up and hogs the TV watching endless videos of his football heroes, Charlton (Bobby and Jack, that is). The only positive I can see is that at least I won't spend ages picking hair out of the plughole after he's had a shower.

There is one other bright light though. If I am to be forced kicking and screaming to live in Sir Hubert's box-room I will need to keep up a string of meetings, parties and launch events so I am rarely in the house. Therefore it is good that I have been appointed to the board of the Bogg Society Truss, the new layer of supportive dressing for the window of the Bogg Society Bank. That daft old bat, My Great Aunt Maud, has refused to let BUBB and NCVO each have a seat saying we are too similar as organisations. Is she fucking kidding? Has she actually watched how we operate? NCVO exists to promote the voice of the brolly sector whereas BUBB exists to promote the voice of me. OK, sometime, more by accident than design, BUBB ends up also speaking up for umbrellas but in day-to-day terms we are very different.

Still, I have had the last laugh as Maud has said we can share a seat, presumably in much the same way that we will have to share a toilet when we live together. And whose turn is it first? Mine. Take that Sir Hubert. Three years til you get a go. THREE YEARS. I think we all know that that means I am top Knight. So at least I will be at those lovely Bogg Society Trust meetings while you're at home painting your toe nails and watching Holby City.

DWP are work shy scroungers

2011-07-29T12:13:00.004+01:00

The DWP are a disgrace and work shy scroungers to boot. Instead of doing some proper work on addressing issues in the benefit system, they are lazily seeking to demonise disabled umbrellas as work shy scroungers by themselves scrounging off the popular Daily Express line and perception that most of these brollies are somehow fit to work really and only pretend to be broken to claim assistance from the State.

You would never catch me simply repeating a populist view and ignoring the statistics and details that don't fit the argument to slur an entire group of people. By the way, did I mention that all bankers are greedy, evil bastards?

And by painting the disabled as the villains in an attempt to spin a justification for cutting oodles of cash going to those people in society who actually need it, so they can further feather their own nests, the politicians are both missing and applying paint to the bigger picture.

There are plenty of high quality scroungers at the top end of the system, not all of them are work shy as such, in fact they put a tremendous amount of effort into playing the system for their own benefit. They milk the less well off in society for the purposes of their own career, chasing personal glory on vanity projects, collecting titles, chairing stuff left, right and centre, blagging canapes and cheap fizz at an endless roll call of launches and lunches...

Speaking of people scrounging off the State, I met Princess Anne last week. She has always been a keen champion of the umbrella sector. We joked about how she used to read my column in Brolly Weekly so I gave her a copy of MY report on the NHS to have a look at. I even signed it for her.

And I had the extreme displeasure of having to go to Newcastle last week where I had to meet some poor Geordies patronised by Umbrellabuilders loans of free gamps. Luckily I avoided any attempted popular culture references such as to the song "Bridge on the Tyne is all mine, all mine" (which everyone knows actually goes "Bogg on the Tyne is all mine, all mine").

And I think it would be best not to say anything about the horrors of Norway rather than say something for the sake of being seen to say something.

Over my dead body

2011-07-29T12:00:00.003+01:00

So my deputy Hector Rule has a plan to for me to move into Sir Hubert's spare room as his lodger does he? He must be fucking joking. He can shove his cosy canal-side location up his arse. I am not going. I am all for collaboration but the best way to achieve that is by not doing anything together and retaining our own distinct ways of doing things.

Besides, I hear he never buys the milk and uses everyone else's on his grape nuts. And he leaves the seat up.

Leadership and the Evil Empire

2011-07-20T14:53:00.002+01:00

Have been unable to blog since getting dressed up like a twat last week and taking my knightly oath (not be confused with my nightly one) at St Paul's, due to serious RSI (really smug infection). I had to promise to bang on about being a Sir as much as is humanly possible in a ceremony that made anachronistic seem like cutting edge.

Since then I have been busy using the term Evil Empire as much as possible. The staggering unravelling of the phone hacking scandal has had me gripped but extremely worried. If my mate Dave is forced to resign it will be very sad. Mostly because he is the only person of any influence in government who has even pretended to read MY report on the NHS and competition.

The way that Rupert Murdoch has gone from being a power hungry player, seeking to control the official line on behalf of everyone else by getting as close to politicians as possible, to a withered, deluded old duffer who seemingly didn't have a fucking clue what was really going on all around him is a fascinating one that has absolutely no parallels with my own career.

Of course it is all about leadership and the saga has many lessons for us all. Some oh so clever so and so has written a new book on leadership called The Shite: The Future of Shirk is Already Here, which might be OK, I haven't actually read it but will still quote from the blurb on the back page in an attempt to make myself sound knowledgeable about such things.

But basically there are only two forms of leadership. Do what you want and sod the consequences, or piss off for two months and hope those left behind can pick up the pieces and do a better job than you.

The umbrella sector's Royal Wedding

2011-07-15T10:59:00.004+01:00

I was going to post some pictures of the umbrella sector's Royal Wedding between my director of strategy Prince Fab Jobsworth and the beautiful Lucky Robins which was held in Borders bookshop last weekend. But I am sure the last thing Fab would want is me embarrassing him with tales of getting pissed up and dancing the gay gordons with brollies interspersed with blurry, creepy photographs from the day. It's bad enough for him that I made him invite me with a threat that otherwise I would never release him from his contract to go and take his undoubted talents to a better job.

Open public services - power and choice. Whether you want it or not

2011-07-15T10:51:00.004+01:00

On Tuesday I was once again presuming to speak on behalf of the entire umbrella sector by offering support to my mate Dave's plan to carve up public services. I have long been a keen advocate on umbrellas taking on a greater public service delivery role, even the ones who don't want to so it was a further opportunity to get my tongue right up Cameron's pampered posterior. Though I note the presumptuous arrogant clown has stared calling me Rob. He'd better show some respect or I'll stop acting as an unpaid spin doctor for his harebrained schemes.

As it turned out what with the unfolding drama at News International it was a good day to bury a controversial blueprint for public service reform. Incidentally I am still waiting to hear confirmation that my phone was hacked. I do hope so. It would be one in the eye of Sir Hubert if I was hacked and he wasn't. Though given the number of text messages he sends to important people late at night, News International probably thought it would be too much effort to process all of the information on there. I will say this to Sir Hubert though. When it comes to bothering Rick T'Hurd and the like he is an amateur. Text messages at midnight? He should be waiting outside his house, ready to pounce when he leaves for work in the morning. Or better still, do what I do and disguise himself as a box of All Bran so as to give him earache over breakfast. Just don't wear a Duchamp tie or you might end up with semi-skinned milk down it.

Edited highlights of the last week as I have been too busy to keep up with the frantic blogging of my spoofer

2011-07-08T14:13:00.008+01:00

It's been a busy old week. First of all I went to a posh stately home to pretend to discuss Bogg Society and Europe. There is no finer setting to patronise the less well off in society than a big fuck off pile of opulent bricks with four poster beds and fine food and wine.

There is a lot we can learn from Europe though. In MY report on the NHS I was aware of different EU health models. I would have liked to develop this theme more in MY report but I judged politically this would not be wise as we can be rather xenophobic about lessons from stupid bloody foreigners!

Then I had Commons select committee hearing on Bogg Society. The Unions talked shite. I spoke eloquently and sensibly. And the Committee seemed fascinated by my blog which made it in numerous mentions, admittedly all by me. "Have you read my blog?" I kept squeaking. "What is a blog?" one of them replied. "Is it another word for a car crash?"

Tony Blair is still resplendent, although I did teach him all he knows when we were at Oxford, naturally. The networking, the chasing of the shiny coin, the unwavering sense of righteousness in the face of evidence to the contrary...he's learnt from the best.

Blair was speaking at an event about the importance of faith in political decisions. You can't go round making moral judgements and starting illegal wars unless you have faith that a non-existent being you believe in is better than that of some foreigners who have oil.

Faith is also very important in the umbrella sector. Please God, let it not rain as I have left my gamp on the bus. People often refer to thunderstorms as being Biblical, by which they mean they're made up and didn't really happen. Indeed faith is often used like a cheap brolly as an ultimately futile veneer of shelter from the deluge.

I used some biblical analogies to pep up my keynote speech to the major Action Gamping conference in Westminster Hall. Though you try and shelter from a plague of locusts with only a golfing umbrella .I was followed by my Great Aunt Maud. I was flattered to hear her describe me as the best advocate our sector has. Though I may have misheard the word advocate. Or indeed the word best. She said what I say sometimes is uncomfortable for government in that it makes them cringe with embarrassment but is always pragmatic and realistic. She didn't really say that, I am just pretending she did although to do so is clearly unpragmatic and unrealistic.

That is certainly what I aim to do leading BUBB. Work with government when we can promote our (my) common objectives and oppose when things ARE NOT FAIR AND DON'T GO MY WAY. Gobby in the press one minute. And the next. But leadership is complex. It involves compromise and judgment. Or so I am told by those who are good at it. I prefer more shouting my mouth off as loudly as I can and attacking critics via my blog to any of that nonsense.

Perhaps at times I get that wrong. (Perhaps? Perhaps? I nearly accidentally made an admission of fallibility. Thank God for the word perhaps) Clearly at other times I get it right or I wouldn't have had a commission from the PM on health choice and competition. Hang on, that was more to do with me being a fierce supporter of competition. After all the PM does have excellent judgement when it comes to who he associates with though there is no truth in the rumour that he only asked me to help out as all former dodgy News of the World editors were busy trying to save their own arses elsewhere.

I was then supposed to then fly off to Edinburgh for the Sector Wedding of the year. My marvellous director of strategy (hang on, we have a strategy?) Fab Jobsworth marrying Lucky Robins in Borders bookshop on Saturday.

But I had to delay my flight as I was asked to number 10 to talk about public service reform. We had a good roundtable to talk about how to promote this. When I say good I mean in terms of my usual measurement of success - how well known the names of the other attendees were for the purpose of dropping them all over my blog. Key ministers like Danny Kendallexander, Gulliver Leftwing although he spent all of his time on Twitter (check out his feed at @oliverletwinmp, he's non stop and gives Twitter readers the full benefit of his wisdom on every subject.). The PM was also there for a period which given that he lives there wasn't surprising though he did give me a look as to say "why are you in my kitchen again? You've written that sodding report so stop bothering me to actually read it".

Tired of thinking of blog post titles about being tired of thinking of blog post titles about being tired

2011-07-01T16:05:00.007+01:00

Decided to take a few days break after a lot of my members kept saying I looked tired. Or maybe they said they were tired of looking at me. Whatever, I headed off to Edinboggrh for a rest. But on my return I have been busy getting back into the day job and have not been continually blogging about health issues as that might lead people to believe I can now only think about the NHS and am being retained as an unpaid unofficial spinner of the government line on competition and am using my BUBB role and blog to do this. That would mean I was completely ignoring my many members using umbrellas in other sectors and wouldn't be right.

Hector Rule, my deputy, keeps putting things in my diary to keep me out of the office so he can carry on running BUBB properly while I pretend to have moved on from my NHS derisory, sorry, advisory post.

Still, if I had have been blogging about health stuff I would definitely have labelled the BMA (Brolly Medical Arses) a disgrace because they don't agree with me. What do they know about the health service? They're not experts like I am.

They run down patient choice when we all know patient choice is key to the reforms. I know this because I talked to loads of patients when writing MY report. OK, I didn't but I know that most patients want a choice. And if they don't it's not their choice. Patient choice will be at the heart of the dismantled NHS as people will have to be patient when making a choice about how much time they decide to wait for unprofitable treatment before paying cash to the private sector vultures.

I was furious with my interview in Brolly Weekly. OK, they did a very good job of allowing me to pitch a one sided justification for my controversial decision to presume to speak on behalf of the whole umbrella sector in helping Cameron out with MY report. But the cartoon was a disgrace. Made me look as if I had been trying to apply clown make-up on a roller coaster.

I will just finish with a plea to the Rough Justice Secretary Gareth Sharke who has announced plans to make it mandatory to stab burglars or indeed anyone who looks at your stuff longingly. But I am confused by this. Does it mean that attacking burglars is only permitted with a knife or are other instruments allowed? Because all of my knives have been stolen by bastard burglars. Would an umbrella suffice or would there be legal complications? If brollies are allowed I will simply set up a trap for all of my enemies (Hubert, Dylan Twirley etc) and lure them into my home, bludgeon them with my gamp and claim I thought they were robbing me. But I am sure no one else would exploit this ill-thought through populist Middle England plan that values possessions over life as a way to wriggle out of, for example, a domestic incident. Would they?

Back on the blog

2011-06-27T22:43:00.002+01:00

Haven't been blogging for ages. It's not cos I am lazy, it's just I have nothing to say. I know usually that doesn't hinder me but I am still knackered after my 1,456 hour shift at the hospital.

I hope no one looks at MY report on NHS and competition too closely and asks any questions about ooooh I don't know, competition law in Europe, cos I have completely ignored that such was my fervour to say "competition is not a disease" 487 times. "Competition is not a disease, but might be when Brussels has a look at it" doesn't have quite the same ring about it. But as long as I don't mention my oversight in my blog I should get away with it.

We are now into the recruitment process for the new CEO of the Brolly Investment Business. Donald Holding, headhunter supremo, is trawling the highways and byways of the City and Sector to find that special individual who will lead him to even greater commission on the back of me using a personal friend without any awareness as to what conflict of interest may mean.

We said goodbye to Donovan Lewis last night with champagne in a down market pub by Goldman Sachs. I will leave you to pick out the contradictory bones out of that last sentence. I wish him well, he will be hard to replace but with a bit of luck Donald will recruit me so I can, as I have mentioned before, supplement my meagre chair's salary with a decent wedge.

And I have been at BUBB's annual summit where all of the big brollies in the umbrella sector get together so I can Lord it over them (as a rehearsal for the real thing). They have missed me. Even those who haven't. I am back.

Dust settles on MY report

2011-06-19T18:43:00.004+01:00

I'm not sure the full impact of MY report on the NHS is yet fully understood, let alone its conclusions. Or ever will be (especially by me) as I expect it will just be ignored and left on a shelf, gathering dust while the Government ploughs on regardless .

The press coverage has mainly been that MY report says "it's no to privatisation". Actually no one ever suggested this. It's a crazy idea. No to privatisation? Bollocks to that. Clearly, it's yes to privatisation but under a smokescreen of language about competition. It's all about driving up standards by letting private sector companies compete and come in and drive up their profits while lowering the standards they are supposed to be driving up especially in the areas where there are no profits to be made. Or something like that, it's all very confusing.

Anyway, I myself have decided to cash in on MY report and have managed to get Amazon to make it available for the Kindle. But the cheeky bastards are selling it in the fiction section.

Top 10 Twitter Tips

2011-06-15T14:59:00.003+01:00

As you may or may not know, I am a bit of a Twitter fan. I tweet, I twitter, I am a twitterer, I am a twat. I find the 140 character format perfect for disseminating my own warped world view. And thankfully my spoofer Sir Stephen Bubb hasn't yet found his way onto Twitter so I can carry on regardless without fear of lampoonery and reprisals. Although Hector Rule is often skulking around causing trouble, but I digress.

Yesterday, some terribly important social media event - Nerd Fans of Parapluies (NFP) Social Media (#nfpsm) gathered together some of the biggest zealots for social media, those already hopelessly addicted to it, for a gathering that took preaching to the converted to record levels. But I was happy to add my expertise. Remotely of course. I wouldn't want to actually meet any of these people. Surely the advantage of social media is that you don't have to actually physically get together at an event but can do it all from the comfort of your own home or on the bus. Or while tending your strawberries.

Unsocial media.

Amidst offers of tupperware to store my couscous in from the guru's guru Nick Hoover (@robmydyson) (who may or may not be me) I was asked by Jennie Sparrow (@nickiewren) to compile my list of top 10 Twitter tips to share with delegates. 5 minutes later I had dashed them off. I now reproduce them here for those of you who like to have a twot from time to time. I hope a social media great like Halifax Loch (@howardlake) will find them useful next time he does a presentation.

1) Engage with people even if you suspect they might be a bit weird in real life

2) Be careful how you type hashtags as a mistake could completely change the meaning of something #nfpms

3) Don't start a top 10 list you may struggle to finish

4) Take every opportunity to make The Codfather joke when #fishfilms inevitably rolls by. Again

5) Don't bombard followers with top 10 lists

6) Don't go to tweet ups. These people may seem OK online but in real life...sheeesh

7) Competition is not a disease..oh hang on...that's not a Twitter tip but a mantra from MY report on the NHS

7) Fawn after celebrities then get annoyed if they don't respond to your tweet out of the million they get

8) Heed #coleslaw (named after respected journalist @MrHarryCole) "If you can't say it in 140 don't bother" even if it means cutting tw

9) Mind your fucking language

10) RT as many of the tips in top 10 Twitter tips lists as possible. Or else

11) Learn to count to 140 (and 10)

12) Don't dash off top 10 Twitter tips lists in 5 minutes

PS Social media/geography quiz question. Use Google to give me the names of the 6 Great Lakes.

Untitled

2011-06-14T15:57:00.003+01:00

I was so excited about going to number 10 that I forgot to give this post a title.

What a drag. You have to leave your phone at the door when you go into No 10. And I really wanted a photo of Cameron et al pretending to listen and care about me banging on about MY report. That's right. MY report. No one else's. Not that it is a vanity project.

I woke early. A fretful night. Nervous. Trying to work out what I'd be saying. And what not to say. But once I was in that Cabinet room I got wind and I was off. No wonder Nick Clegg looked a bit pasty.

I thought Lansley was looking relaxed and good in his skin. Or perhaps it isn't his skin. Perhaps he's had some gratis cosmetic surgery from one of the private firms who stand to gain so much from his ideas. Though surely the only reason he is still in the Cabinet this week despite MY report undermining his own work is that the rubbish is still only collected fortnightly.

As I said to the Prime Minister " competition is not a disease". And if it was you would only be able to have it treated if you can afford to pay.

“The NHS belongs to the people”. These stirring words from the NHS Constitution have been forgotten by some of the loudest voices in the debate about the health service. Including me as I didn't bother speaking to any normal people, choosing instead to cite figures from surveys others had done a while ago, where the results stemmed from what may or may not have been leading questions.

Crucially, the important thing about MY report, as I also said to Dave, is that is MY report. And worth a peerage. At least.

Funny to see a number of attacks on me in the press and wider social media recently prior to MY report being published. I was gravely insulted by one that referred to me as a "health expert". I am no such thing. Why would a health expert be asked to write MY report on the NHS and competition?

I have also been accused of supposing to speak on behalf of the whole umbrella sector on the role of brollies in the health reforms. What nonsense. I haven't spoken on behalf of any of it. Just on behalf of myself. With MY report.

I was also compared to Simon Cowell in the Observer, who made some ridiculous claims questioning my various conflicts of interest. I have no conflicts of interest to declare other than that if I did declare all of my conflicts of interest there would be a conflict with my own interests. If the Simon Cowell thing was supposed to be a jibe they got it badly wrong.Simon Cowell has been responsible for foisting a huge amount of pain on the public through poor quality products. I'll happily live with that.

Thanks for nothing Canopy Awards judges

2011-06-12T15:41:00.001+01:00

There I was trying to bask in the glow of completing my NHS report and having finished my last shift at the hospital (846 hours, 14,012 bed pans) when once again the judges of the Canopy Awards ruined my good mood.

Yes, I have inexplicably been overlooked for the outstanding leadership prize again. Instead it went to Sir Rob Old, a worthy enough winner to be sure for his work sending red British brollies overseas, but hardly a leader in the same way as me (but then, no one is). He wasn’t even asked to provide impartial feedback to the government on the NHS, for example.

I guess being controversial (a loose cannon gobshite) means I tend to be regarded as a dangerous choice for such prestige. But I've always been proud BUBB is seen as an " edgy" dynamic body that is not afraid to be out in front in a leadership role whilst others sit it out trying to work out which way the wind is blowing. BUBB likes to make the wind blow (I blame all that couscous), even if that sometimes means destroying poor, small umbrellas at the expense of big ones. A good strong noisy wind is what gets me noticed. These Knighthoods don’t bestow themselves. I am like a hurricane, breezily tearing about the place, blowing hard and leaving a wake of destruction for others to clean up (along with the debris of over-laboured metaphors involving wind).

Still I was cheered to see the Archbishop of Gamperbury (a fellow Blacbury resident. He buys his chicken drumsticks, lamb's hearts and bacon mis-shapes at the same butchers that provided the liver and tripe for Cameron’s recent barbecue with Obama) slag off the Coalition. There is absolutely nothing wrong with him attacking the fact that the government has no mandate to make some of the changes it is planning (aided my me on the NHS ones) even if his mandate to speak out comes from a mythical God.

Also amused to see that someone else has been taken in by my spoofer Sir Stephen Bubb with this post. It's amazing how many people are fooled by this very clever and amusing lampoon of my own colourful existence. Of course if there really was a person like Sir Stephen it would be beyond a joke as we all know so I guess the fact that he is almost believable should actually be a concern.

Can't think of a witty title so won't bother

2011-06-08T13:52:00.009+01:00

Sorry for the radio silence. While in the Balkans with Pepe Ohdearie I got lost after too much local schnapps and dancing to Agadoo (a regular occurrence when out with Pepe) and ended up in Slovenia. One thing I will say abut the Slovenians is that they know the importance of a good strong umbrella, especially in the mountains where it can be pleasingly damp. And as a little competition (no prizes) can anyone spot the very jazzy brolly in this pic?

I did take the time to ask the Slovenian people what they thought of the NHS. Obviously, I didn't bother listening properly to the responses in case they didn't fit in with my own conclusions but I do recall someone saying perhaps I should talk to patients and not just accept the results of some 2009 research as the basis for extensive consultation with the people who actually matter. But I just ignored that as well. Dave would be proud.

When I got back to the UK I was in trouble from matron who thought I had only nipped off for a coffee break. So I have had to do a mammoth 546 hour shift, while trying to tidy up my report for Dave. It is very nearly finished and even though it is not for me to say that it is brilliant, it is brilliant. Especially the last paragraph. I cannot reveal what I say yet but if I was going to reveal it, it would look exactly like this:

"Competition is fucking ace because Dave says so and what really matters is £££££££££££££££££££££££££$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$£££££££££££££££££££££££££££££$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$£££££££££££££££££££££££££££££$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$££££££££££££££££££££££££££££££££££££££££££££££$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$££££££££££££££££££££££££££££££$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ PS Where's my peerage?"

Some of my crayon drawings of hospital beds are sublime. And anyone who says the whole exercise is sham to give the impression of independent consultation on the future of the NHS will no doubt be eating humble pie, especially since Dave has already said he accepts all of our recommendations even though he hasn't even seen them. Other than when he originally wrote/approved them of course.

So I will be back at BUBB shortly, just as well as Hector Rule has been giving it the big I am and mouthing off at conferences and generally causing trouble.

In other news I am delighted to report that in a true victory for Bogg Society, The Robin Bogg Memorial Toilet outside Blacbury library has been saved. They have found a few volunteers to wipe the arses of the rich and are saving money on paper by utilising all of the books in the library that are just taking up space.

However, I am sad to say that my chief executive at the Brolly Investment Business Donovan Lewis has escaped from the locked room I was keeping him in. He was a true inspiration and managed to implement much of the empire building into the business of lending umbrellas that I was keen on. He will be hard to replace so I may apply for the role myself. If nothing else the extra cash will help to supplement my meagre pay as chair. That's what I call progressive governance. I expect the trustees at BUBB will be only to pleased to continue paying me to spend less time doing my proper job as ultimately it makes BUBB more effective.

The only other big unresolved issue is what I should say in my acceptance speech if, sorry, when I win the outstanding leadership award at the Canopy Awards tomorrow night.

And should I wear the white dinner jacket with the collection of red wine stains or the one with the embarrassing chocolate souffle mark on the tail. If I don't win this year it will be a travesty. Anyone who can still continue to get away with what I have for so long is truly an outstanding leader and inspiration to all. See you at the Gampsvenor Hotel, folks. If you're going do feel free to say hello using the code word "drizzleproof".

Gnat Pee's off

2011-05-26T09:45:00.003+01:00

Found time out from my busy schedule prancing round the Balkans to read the news that the government's Bogg Society adviser, Lord Gant Pee has err peed off. This whole issue reveals a basic contradiction at the heart of the government's thinking. Was he a Tsar or a Czar?

The fact he did this on the same day that Cameron relaunched Bogg Society for the 485th time (more failed reboots than a broken computer) was particularly well timed. It was all in all what Dom Blond might call a victory for Bogg Society. And it was nice to see Cameron try and add some substance and flesh to the concept's rhetorical bones by ramping up the rhetoric. But it was all overshadowed by an unnamed footballer who everyone knew the name of having his name named by an MP taking a very brave step forward in promoting the cause of John Hemming.

I am all for free speech myself and will silence anyone who says otherwise. I may be going out on a legal limb here, but I don't care. You people have the right to know. The footballer's name is

RYAN GIGGS

Anyway, back to Bogg Society. No one's listening Dave. You can't keep switching it off and back on again and hope it finally works. But then you know all about not listening, what with this NHS listening shambles. But if you listen to one thing, listen to this. I assume Lord Pee won't need his Lordship now so if there is a vacancy remember that I am ready to go and have already bought my ermine.

DISASTER (Drowning In Sodding Acronyms Started To Eliminate Reason)

2011-05-23T10:24:00.009+01:00

SMELLING A SHAM (Suddenly My Entire Life Lies In Needlessly Generating Acronyms - Stop Health Acronym Mayhem)

Was furious to learn that Private Eye have suggested that the only reason I have been asked to echo Cameron's views on competition in the NHS is because I am fiercely pro-competition and therefore can be relied upon to echo Cameron's views on competition in the NHS.

At least I have learnt how to cut and paste in Word which will be handy as it will save me retyping what the government has already decided when I am writing my report.

I am taking a break from my 128 hour shifts at the hospital and heading off on a jaunt round former Yugoslavian states with the fun loving party animal Pepe Ohdearie of EuCLUTS (European Committee of Leadership in Umbrella Technology and Sophistication). Knowing what Pepe is like I may be gone awhile but will try and post some pictures that at least give the pretence that I not just sitting around in cafes but working hard and that this visit is good value for my members and that what they do with gamps in the Balkans has any relevance in the UK.

Bogging a dead horse

2011-05-17T09:51:00.003+01:00

Have you noticed? Where has Bogg Society gone?

Last week marked the first anniversary of the coalition. They produced a paper listing all their achievements. I say paper, more like a post it note of the positive ones and a 1,500 page apology. But the term Boggsoc was strangely absent probably because all it has achieved is confusion.

Which is a shame really because BUBB launched its Commission on Bogg Society only yesterday. I love a commission , me. I am forever commissioning them. But I'd hate to think that all of the hard work we (members of my team) have put into this will result in nothing more than a launch and a lunch and then fall by the wayside as the government focuses on less hard to explain bullshit concepts.

The event went well. I took a break from my 114 hour shift at the hospital (snuck out when matron wasn't watching) to put in an appearance and spent most of the event blogging. I am a bit confused who exactly I am working for at the minute and cannot decide if I should offer poor value to the members who pay my wage or to the taxpayer who is funding my secondment to the NHS. Actually, I am being unfair to myself as I did spend all weekend working on NHS stuff by taking a break from bedpans and phoning the other people working on reports for Cameron screaming "Competition is crucial. And I'm going to produce my report first, you loser".

Even if Bogg Society does go down the pan and is flushed away, our initial report had some helpful stuff in it. By placing a huge focus on banks and social investment and lending brollies to damper communities it coincidentally ties in nicely with the stuff the Brolly Investment Business, which I chair, is involved in even though any suggestion that I am once again blurring my supposedly two distinct roles are of course merely mischief making.

It's back!

2011-05-17T09:37:00.003+01:00

My packed lunch has returned. After a rigorous investigation, where I went round accusing all of my fellow workers of pinching my goodie laden tupperware box, it has reappeared in my locker. True, my Wagon Wheel has been eaten and my peperami half-nibbled but the couscous salad was intact.

It just goes to show that there is no such thing as a free lunch, or there won't be once McDonald's or some other paragon of healthy eating profiteering steps in to provide the catering in the brave new world of NHS competition.

I cannot say competition enough when waffling on about health reforms. Competitiveness is so important. No one has said that more than me. I have been working furiously on my report for Cameron and fully intend to be the first of my fellow patsies to complete their contribution to this sham of a listening exercise. Never mind the quality, it's about staying in front and winning the competition. After all, Cameron is only going to pretend to read it and then ignore any bits he doesn't like anyway.

Someone has pinched my packed lunch

2011-05-15T21:44:00.004+01:00

It had couscous salad in it and everything. I bet this is some secret government plot to keep me on my toes and make me hungry as I continue putting in 98 hour shifts at the hospital. I am going to ask myself to conduct an independent review of my fellow workers' lockers.

Oh and a blog post I wrote about going on the Today programme and waffling on about competition not being a disease (I learnt this from a doctor - they are experts on diseases) and some other shite has disappeared from the internet. Or perhaps I never actually wrote it but just rehearsed in my head in the middle of the night what I would have written about coming over all coherent and vaguely authoritative on the radio had I actually been coherent and vaguely authoritative on the radio.

But I am not afraid to say that competition is essential to the long term future of the NHS. As in, you'll only get free treatment for a hernia if you win it in a spot the ball contest or get a hip replacement if your completed crossword is first out of the hat.

OK, some proper evidence

2011-05-12T13:25:00.000+01:00

Here is some proper evidence of my donation. One thing I wasn't happy about on Comic Relief's website was that there is no option to put "Sir" when entering one's title under personal details. I had to enter Mr. This is highly insulting and as such I will be considering very carefully future donations to them, good work or not. Especially as this will be even more demeaning when I become a Lord.

You will note as well that I generously rounded up my £29.99 pledge to a whopping thirty English. Apparently this is enough to buy so much something or other for x needy people. I am not entirely happy with this as I would much rather my donation went to something important like administration costs but no matter.

Red Brolly Day donation of £29.99 - the evidence

2011-05-12T13:24:00.000+01:00

Red Brolly Day - part 5 - the brolly Knights go into combat

2011-05-10T14:39:00.014+01:00

Here at last is the final installment of the Red Brolly Day trove of umbrella pictures. I have been so busy working in the hospital (I am now up to 64 hour shifts) that I haven't had time to post them let alone blog every last conversation I have with a harassed doctor about my piles. But I am unstinting in my devotion to single-handedly saving the NHS (while getting a free vanity transplant at the taxpayers' expense) and would not seek to prove how hard I am working by blogging about it every 5 minutes.

I am sure my reward for my devotion to the government will come with a peerage, especially after I supported Cameron and single-handedly swung the AV referendum his way with my ill-judged-and-still-not-apologised-for-inaccurate-borderline-in-breach-of-regulations-political-campaigning blog post. Anyway, enough of this, on with the pictures.

First up is someone who many people have described as my nemesis - Sir Hubert Carrington of NCVO. Nemesis? How stupid. Folk do like to make more of things than is necessary. To call him a nemesis glamorises our relationship to an implausible level. Our mutual mistrust and dislike goes much deeper than that.

And secondly, here is a picture of my spoofer Sir Stephen Bubb, peering nervously around him before heading out into the rain, looking for all the world like a man who has never seen or used an umbrella before.

Although there is no truth to the accusation that this is the first time these 2 people have appeared together for the common good, as promised I will be donating a sum of cash (£29.99) to Gampic Relief (via Comic Relief) for these (and the earlier) photos I have been sent.

My problem is that I was going to try and squeeze it through BUBB expenses so I wouldn't actually have to pay for it but as I am not technically working there at the minute I am not sure I can get away with it.

I can't really add it to the NHS budget as such a sum on top of what they are paying me to legitimise Cameron's pre-determined butchery of the NHS could bankrupt it long before the private sector vultures start circling around the profitable bits.

I suppose I will have to pay the sum myself. Do my beloved readers need proof of my philanthropy? A picture of me holding a large cheque perhaps? If there is any positives from the cessation of cheques in 2018 it will be that such cliched photographs will thankfully be a thing of the past.

Or do you trust me? It's not as if I have been over defensive about expenses and payments in the past after all.

AV fears

2011-05-04T13:44:00.003+01:00

After misrepresenting how AV works when talking about tomorrow's referendum for how people choose umbrellas, I hope no one gets the idea that by using my blog yesterday to promote a political opinion I am in contravention of the Umbrella Commission's rules on campaigning. You know what they're like, especially after all of the fuss over the trade union thing.

Heaven forbid some pesky journalist at Canopy Finance or Brolly Weekly (I am less worried about Canopy Times) gets hold of this. Nobody breathe a word to the Umbrella Commission OK? We don't want the regulator to waste its time regulating.

It was only a personal opinion in my personal blog which I in no way ever use to promote my professional role, the views of BUBB or as a way of communicating with members.

I hope that is clear.

Unfairly influencing the coming vote

2011-05-03T13:19:00.003+01:00

The whole country is quite beside itself with apathy over the upcoming referendum on how we select umbrellas. Some people want to change from a system where people simply choose their favourite umbrella to a complicated system where second preferences have an influence if no brolly receives an overall majority meaning that we may end up with gamps that nobody wants. Or something like that, I haven't actually bothered to check it properly.

I get a message from my good friend in Australia about the Alternative Vote. I think I'm allowed to blog it even if I don't actually bother to check first whether it is true or not. Though it would be terribly embarrassing if it was found to be a highly misleading tale about someone called Robyn Holding (any relation to Donald I wonder) whose brolly gained an unfair advantage through PR not AV.

But you will make up your own mind I'm sure! After all it would be wrong of me to try and influence my members, especially by using dodgy evidence through a work blog. Though it will come as no surprise that I want to retain FPTP, solely on the basis of loving tradition and all that. It is only by clinging on to systems that don't work for reasons of sentimentality that I have any chance at all of making the House of Lords.

Red Brolly Day - part 4 - some random high profile beasts

2011-04-30T15:41:00.004+01:00

A couple more Red Brolly Day pics here. And then I will be publishing the big hitters - the real creme de le beef. And revealing the final total. First up is my old college friend (not Tony, the other one) Sir Fruity Metcalfe, a man who knows me better than I know myself.

And here are those two government chimps, Rick T'Hurd and My Great Aunt Maude. They are doing a very good job here aping people who know what they are actually doing regarding the umbrella sector.

Government department using spin to pursue its own agenda shock. And the sodding Royal Wedding

2011-04-30T13:42:00.017+01:00

What is going on at DWP45? First they issue statistics aimed at demonising fat, drunk, drug addicted umbrella owners. Now they are having a pop at disabled umbrellas. They have released figures that say 75% of claims by broken brollies for support have been turned down . This is not the same as saying 75% of those receiving support aren't eligible, but that subtlety will be lost in the reportage, and in the public mind an image of thousands of undeserving, indolent gamps trying to cheat the system is built up. The lying bastards (by which I mean the politicians).

Never mind the laws of meteorology that determine in hot, dry weather there is less work for umbrellas. The powers that be just want to spin things to justify the massive withdrawal of state responsibility for its citizens and their umbrellas that we are currently witnessing.

Oh well, there is always the Royal Wedding to provide a bit of distraction to the hoi polloi. Nothing says we are all in it together more than one very posh privileged bloke and his slightly less posh bride driving off in an Aston Martin while the crowds cheer. Despite Hillda Ogden-Newton&Ridley trying to drag me along to some painful street party round the corner from my brothers, I decided to do the patriotic thing and visit a Swedish furniture store. As you can see below.I did invite the Syrian ambassador along as well as he was at bit of a loose end but apparently he was off to my old mate Tony Blair's gaff to watch it on his big screen.

Still, I see the establishment does at least retain some sense of humour by giving William such a rubbish new title. Duke of Cambridge? Ha ha ha ha. A far more prestigious title would have been the Duke of Oxford, Naturally. They must be saving that for someone else. I wonder...

Yippeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

2011-04-26T17:20:00.004+01:00

My involvement in the NHS reforms is already paying dividends as my blog has suddenly cured itself of the disease it has had recently where it wasn't allowing paragraph breaks.

See?

Everything is fine now.

This is another victory for (the) Bogg Society and patient choice. The empowerment of individuals to sort out their own health problems so that the State doesn't have to. If you can't afford an expensive solution either diagnose and treat it yourself or use the oldest health technique known to man. Keep quiet and hope it gets better all by itself rather than bothering experts. Time is, after all, the greatest healer.

I always want to look my best when denying vanity

2011-04-26T15:51:00.003+01:00

I am knackered. I am now doing 32 hour shifts in my hospital but I am finding out lots of interesting stuff about the NHS to report back to Dave even though it will make sod all difference to what has already been decided. I am talking to people at all levels in the NHS, the more senior the better. After all, this is about patient choice. And who knows, I may even get round to talking to some patients if I have time.

I am having to think outside the box while remembering that people who use the hackneyed phrase thinking outside the box are not thinking outside of the box.

I note that there are some criticisms being voiced about me taking a 2 month break from my day job to pursue this pointless vanity project and that by cosying up to the government I risk tarnishing the entire umbrella sector by association with future NHS carnage (yes, I saw your editorial in Brolly Weekly Robin Crock). What nonsense. The fact that quite a lot of my members have nothing to do with umbrella provision in the NHS is neither here nor there. I am more than capable of cherrypicking the sub-sectors I want to concentrate on in pursuit of personal recognition and advancement. And vanity project? I never take on board vanity projects unless they make me look good.

And as for any ridiculous suggestions (Sir Bumble of Heep) that this might merely be the latest stage in my ploy to gain a peerage...the very idea. How shallow do you think I am? There's no might about it - it's definitely all about that.

On a different note everyone seems to be looking forward to the Royal Wedding. Personally, I'd rather eat Barkle's worming tablets then watch it. But every cloud as a soggy lining. I see that the weather forecast is for rain on Friday which would be fantastic. What could be more patriotic than thousands of gawping, sycophantic, deluded fools lining the wedding route holding their umbrellas as it lashes down?

Actually, I am a bit miffed that despite my K I am not invited to the ceremony though I will try and crash the evening buffet and hope there is plenty of couscous.

And if Kate needs someone to keep her sheltered as she walks from the car into the Abbey, I am only too willing to help.

No time to blog

2011-04-22T08:08:00.002+01:00

I have been that busy in my new health role that I haven't had time to blog about being that busy in my new health role that I haven't had time to blog about how busy I am in my new role. These 18 hour shifts are a killer. But if I had have been blogging I would have denied strongly that Cameron has deployed me to try and destroy the NHS from within to make it easier to sell off the profitable debris to the private sector while pretending that he did listen to everyone's concerns. Soon, window dressing will be the only dressing you can get on the NHS and the only service for the poor will be lip service. Got to go. These bed pans won't empty themselves.

Red Brolly Day - part 3 - the next generation

2011-04-16T15:44:00.008+01:00

I am all for developing talent within the umbrella sector as long as it doesn't expect to take my job. Having a decent youth policy is the second best way of ensuring top quality leadership - the first being using a headhunter such as, I don't know, Donald Holding for example. Therefore I was delighted to see 2 young stalwarts taking part in my Red Brolly Day fundraising challenge. First up we have Mini HaHa, son of Ronnie HaHa, marketing and business development wonk at Casa (Cockney Area Shelter Association) (@zoeamar). He is also the nephew of former Umbrella Commission weaver of gamp fabric, spinning silk brollies out of sows' ears, Shhhhhhhh HaHa, so clearly umbrella nous oozes in the family. Second up is Bobby Tundra Jr, son of Northern social enterprise guru and strawberry "phillip" blond advocate Bobby Tundra (@TheSocBiz). He bleeds Leeds so much it literally stains his Liverpool shirt. The future is bright with such childish vigour and getting them young means they can be brainwashed and rainwashed into obeying orders and toeing the official (ie. my) line. Everybody wins (ie. I do).

A new role

2011-04-15T17:33:00.002+01:00

Following my constant bleating about the role of umbrellas in the reforms of the NHS David Cameron has suggested I work as a porter at a hospital for 2 months. This will be a 2 month role and will involve making sure there are enough umbrellas available to shelter patients when they go from one building to another in the rain. I have had to take a break from my BUBB duties and the trustees agreed (a bit too happily in my opinion). And Dr Hector Rule has been wondering around like the cat whose got the cliche as he will be acting CEO in my absence. Or to put it another way, doing what he usually does but getting full credit for it. I have already decided to organise a dinner for fellow NHS staff - getting people together and eating and drinking and chatting is crucial to the future of the NHS. As long as we're not expected to eat the shite that the patients have to. There are limits.

The picture that launched a holiday worth thousands for some shits

2011-04-08T22:48:00.009+01:00

Boggo (anyone who refers to them self in the third person is automatically an arse) doesn't usually disclose any dealings with the Dead Tree Press, but ironically Paul Staines and Orla Murphy's (allegedly, but I can't mention her name) budget holiday paid for out of a sneaky picture about Sam and David Cameron's budget holiday will now be paying for my rather grander trip away. The co-travellers, armed with their hypocritical, malicious, sneaky, self-serving sewer of a blog are everywhere

N.B. Boggo's paparazzi co-conspirator Dick Mandrake (@dickmandrake) will also be enjoying his time in Malaga at the expense of the papers.

(See here for context)

Happily plugging healthily

2011-04-08T09:47:00.008+01:00

Grrr. Not happy. All the trains were delayed (probably deliberately just to incovenience me) so I was late to a "listening exercise" on NHS reform with Cameron, Clegg and health secretary Nothingfunny Abouthisname. These listening exercises are great. How they work is that the government pretends to listen then ploughs on regardless having at least given the impression of consultation. I am all for NHS reform if it means a bigger role for umbrellas, whether they want it or not. In keeping with how he wants to slice up the NHS I think the government should put the best bits of Abouthisname up for sale to the private sector. Only that wouldn't raise much money. (By the way, do you like my new method of gaining a para break?)

I was running late all day but did at least get to an event for free wine which is the main measure of a successful day in my job. I could mention some BUBB members at this point and, why, who knows, I may even manage to spell their names and organisations properly!

There will now follow a brilliantly contrived paragraph designed to shoehorn more free advertising for Donald Holding into the blog. All organisations need good management don't they? Especially at a level just below any errant, gallivanting, chaotic chief executive. So why not use headhunter extraordinaire Donald Holding? He is so good that he has changed company again (no doubt he headhunts himself to both increase his salary and get his own commission) and has left Feudal to go to wankymadeupwordwithlowercaseinitiallettertolooktrendi. Therefore the strategic partnership BUBB had with Feudal has been ripped up and replaced by one with wankymadeupwordwithlowercaseinitiallettertolooktrendi. Which means basically that the agreement is really with Holding and a way of feathering his nest but don't tell anyone. He is brilliant and trusted by many. He even gets regular mentions by Sir Stephen Bubb. Far more than any other BUBB strategic partner does. He'll be posting a link to his website next.

It is important to maintain a professional approach to any potential conflicts of interest and for that reason I would never use my job as leader of a membership organisation to plug the services of a personal friend to my members any more than I would use the BUBB member's magazine to drum up demand for loans offered by the Brolly Investment Business, which I chair. That might be regarded as blurring my two roles and we wouldn't want that.

Red Brolly Day - the money shots part 2

2011-04-07T13:15:00.004+01:00

Next up we have the self styled Boggettes, a jolly quartet of BUBBly vivacious minxes from the Brolly Investment Business. They are led by Quic Loans (@navigatornic), communications officer. Also in the picture are saxy website bird John Coltrane (cj_parker), Dib-Dab (@auntie_debs) and Spam Towelling (@saminus). I say they work at BIB. However, it looks like they spend most of their time fooling around. Obviously, BIB has an ineffective management structure and a weak chair. Or perhaps the chair isn't paid enough to worry about staff mucking about. But he should worry- especially about Quic. She needs a beady eye kept on her.

Red Brolly Day - the money shots part 1

2011-04-04T15:45:00.014+01:00

As promised here is the first tranche of the collection of photographs I received from people wielding umbrellas to raise money for Gampic Relief's Red Brolly Day (money channelled by Comic Relief). The cash I have pledged in return for these pics will help shelter the dampest members of society, both here in the UK and overseas. I will reveal the final total when all pictures are posted but let me just say it is over £19.99. First up are a number of snaps from good old Lester Twomore at the Brolly Lottery Fund. He really put the hard yards in and was all over this challenge like that silver stuff you rub off on scratchcards that gets stuck to your clothes, trying to get people to have a picture taken with his bright red gamp. Like one of the many deluded folks who spend a fortune on beating nigh impossible odds to win a life changing amount of money that will probably make them miserable, Twomore obviously thought he'd have as many goes as possible at this to kid himself that the amount raised going to good causes would justify his actions. This one below is Lester with some people from NCVO's Leadership Commission (a sham of an organisation obviously. NCVO could no more advise on leadership than a field of sheep). I think the chap on the right is Dick Draughty. The next one is a bit blurry - of a similar quality to some of the holiday snaps I sometimes post on here in the mistaken belief that readers give a toss but I am told that it features Rabid Thrills of the Gampdian and Lester's comms (which means communications in case anyone was unclear. First rule of communications - put across a clear message) director Quinda Lynn. The final one is Lester with one of his bored members (he'd rather be anywhere else than in a stupid charity picture) and fair trade expert Overpriced But Makes You Feel Morally Superior Tucker.

More pictures later this week.

Fooling around

2011-04-03T15:23:00.003+01:00

Friday morning saw me let loose on the Gampdian website for an hour doing a live Q&A. This wasn't an April fool's gag, it really did happen. See here for the evidence. I would like to thank Rabid Thrills for giving me the opportunity. However, I did see one rather daft April fool's joke in Canopy Times that said I had been made a Liberal Democrat peer. Actually thinking about it, that's a bloody good idea. Much like the Lib Dems I will do whatever it takes to gain power even if it means selling my principles down the river. Someone who shall remain anonymous (but let's just say he is a research guru at NCVO called Earl Scalding) has sent me this which would also have made a great April fool's joke. Quite how he discovered this I am not sure. I know NCVO's Brolly Sector Almanac is the ultimate in gampornography but this is ridiculous. What sort of research was he doing? I hope he wasn't researching mother's day pressies. If I had been going to do my own April fool's gag I would have said that BUBB had been appointed to run the entire government. And even as I was typing it out I would have convinced myself that it was actually true. I would also have talked about Geof Sachell's internationally recognised policy nous (ha ha ha) and said that I had sent him to Cambridge to recruit some staff just to wind people up. But no one would have fallen for that. Cambridge? No way. It would have to be Oxford, naturally. Or I would use Donald Holding, headhunter extraordinaire. The whopping commissions he gains due to my endorsements won't pay themselves you know.

Swigging gampagne and spitting the dregs onto the unsheltered heads of the poor

2011-04-03T15:13:00.003+01:00

Blimey what a night that was. I've been asleep for a day and a half. The Queen's solicitors, Spanners, had a reception to celebrate my Knighthood (did I mention my recent K? Must have slipped my mind. They probably think that now I am titled I will have a bit of money to splash lest I am finally caught out on a libel charge. The reception was hosted by the ebullient and gregarious Gratin Maris-Piper. By ebullient and gregarious I mean that I am scared witless of her. With good reason. Anyway a whole host of brolly sector notables and my family gathered and we got royally smashed on BUBBly gampagne - Brollingers, naturally. My chair made a lovely speech where she compared me to marmite. I guess this means that you either love me or hate me but could mean that I spread myself everywhere and have an unusual taste. And as usual I see no contradiction in making a a big noise about enjoying the finer things in life while the dampest members of society, who I presume to speak on behalf of to keep me in those finer things, struggle with the cuts. As long as I mention them as an afterthought at the end it's all fine.

You make you're own luck...but when will I get the breaks?

2011-03-31T15:38:00.004+01:00

As reported the other day, for some reason best known to itself, my blog has stopped recognising line and paragraph breaks. I have had my best people working on this, as well as Hector Rule, Geof Sachell and Fab Jobsworth. The combined BUBB staff have 1,400 Oxford, naturally, degrees in total but none of them can solve this conundrum. I am pressing the RETURN key now. And again. And again. I am going to destroy my keyboard at this rate. But is it showing up in the published text? No, all you see is one block of text. Not easy to read is it? RETURN RETURN RETURN. Oh, what's the use? I suspect a plot. They cannot stop me blogging but the can reduce the effectiveness and power and clarity of my words by making it harder to peruse them. I bet Sir Hubert has got one of his tech monkeys to infiltrate my machine. Or Dylan Twirley at NAVCA or, well it could be anyone really. Probably one of those numpties attacking big brollies, Hang on, I bet it's the government. T'Hurd and my Great Aunt Maude see me as a real threat to them. Or perhaps austerity measures have resulted in a cut in blog space on the interweb. Whoever it is, please make it better. GIVE ME SOME BREAKS! What will be next? Will they start reducing the font size to make it even more difficult to read? Or change the font to webdings to really flummozx people? All I say is do your best - whatever you try and tamper with, I will still have my say. Louder than ever before. [Seriously, if someone can help with this infernal curse upon my words then please do so. In the interests of Bogg Society. Otherwise I will have to ask Dom Blond and Lord Gnat Pee round to do it for me.]

Me. In the Guardian. Tomorrow

2011-03-31T13:05:00.002+01:00

Unbelievably, I will be doing a live Q&A for the Guardian voluntary sector network website tomorrow morning at 11am. Please see here for more details and do tune in or whatever you do on the internet for what promises to be something or other. PS Apparently my blog has unnecessary rude words. Fucking cheek eh? But I promise to be on my cleanest behaviour and not soil and sully the Guardian's hallowed and pure websheets.

Give Greg the clap!

2011-03-30T13:19:00.003+01:00

I know, I know, the title of this blog is childish, but honestly Sir Stephen, if you're going to present me with an open goal like that I will slot it away. But what a goal, eh? What a result. All those lovely brollies from the Umbrellabuilders fund going into the Gampventure Capital Fund (chaired by me as part of the cushy Brolly Investment Business gig) as a gampdowment. This is great testament to the power of our model of making a lot of noise and pleading to those in power. It has nothing to do with Greg Clark or Reg Smirk or whatever his name is. Now - what shall I do with the loot?

Littlejohn besmirches the umbrella industry

2011-03-29T13:56:00.004+01:00

I won't link to it as I don't want to give the fuckwit any page hits but Richard Littlejohn has written something today in the Daily Mail that puts me in a very difficult position, and makes me feel a little bit grubby. In a space filling bit about how weather forecasts for a barbecue scorcher of a summer are always wrong (this follows some absolutely genius shitewaffle about Norman Tebbitt being the best PM this country never had - in much the same way presumably that Littlejohn is the best Nobel Prize winning writer we never had) he oh so amusingly comments that we should "expect a small tsunami. Better start stocking up on umbrellas, dinghies and galoshes, just in case." Aside from the ill-judged use of the word tsunami (he must have been taking advice from Toby Young who predicted a tsunami of violence ahead of the TUC march) I feel that if he is advocating umbrella usage I am compromised. It's like Adolf Hitler supporting the Vegetarian Society. If the umbrella industry has a boom period because of this I won't be able to claim any credit for it without seeming to ally myself to him. I may have to resign over this. As long as I don't have to give the knighthood back.

Red Brolly Day - a further appeal

2011-03-28T18:45:00.002+01:00

Two of the most prolific and insightful commenters on this blog are Sir Fruity Metcalfe and Sir Bumble of Heep. It woud be great if they could send in a pictures of themselves with brollies to help in my appeal. Waddya say chaps? Sir Hubert has sent his picture in incidentally. The crawler.

My role in the Fortnum & Mason fracas

2011-03-28T14:04:00.004+01:00

[Apologies but some technical difficulties mean that when I publish this post it is not recognising paragraph breaks. If anyone can offer some technical help to solve this crisis I will a) be entirely grateful b) laud it as a victory for Bogg Society (as suggested by @MrDaveConroy)] I only popped into Fortnum & Masons on Saturday to get some fancy couscous and croissants for my Boat Race picnic. But I was so shocked by the prices that I exclaimed loudly "I am not paying £48 for 15 ounces of a North African semolina wheat grain product, the robbing bastards" and next thing I knew thousands of people protesting about the cuts piled in and occupied the store in solidarity. This may have had something to do with the use of umbrellas in organising the protest but it was nothing to with me. What I did learn was that contrary to popular belief Fortnum & Mason is NOT a posh grocer for the privileged that symbolises the deep divide in our society, but a charity. They give away literally millions of tweed umbrellas every year to protect the dampest in society. Yes really. Although this interpretation may not be true and has simply been over quail's egged by those who seek to undermine the right to protest. I got so caught up in the whole protest vibe that the rest of the evening is a bit of a blur. It may seem crackers but I always felt it inevitable that the TUC march would target the Ritz. And then it all kicked off in Trafalgar Square. How sad that place named after a stupid battle between two sides that couldn't agree should have ended up as a stupid battle between two sides that couldn't agree. It was unfortunate that the protest degenerated into violence and many commentators seemed delighted by this while at the same time condemning it. To be so smugly pleased that there were ructions to prove a point is almost as bad as perpetrating the violence. And the media seemed to be almost willing violence so as to make good TV. There were reports that Sky News were offering protesters £25 to throw the Spectator journalist and activist Laurie Penny at a policeman. Penny is a brave and fearless campaigner who gets attacked by a policeman every 4 minutes on average. She just seems to attract trouble - maybe she is the one secretly causing it - the proverbial bad Penny. After doing their best to have a bloody good riot to film, the media then gave a disproportionate focus to the minority that wrongly cause the trouble even though people getting arrested in city centres every Saturday night after a few beers never get mentioned. Still, the UK was shamed by events and there were many people injured by the hyperbole and bollocks spoken in the media about what was really happening. While the Royal Family were strangely absent (Camilla apparently said there were more unwashed oiks than you could poke a stick at - though you wait until April 29th) you couldn't move for tripping over the relatives of 1970s progressive rock stars getting into trouble, looking for their own bit of Charlie Gilmour action. Keith Emerson's niece was arrested for stealing a vat of goose liver pate from Fortnum & Mason while the second cousin of the drummer from Tangerine Dream was spotted mounting Nelson's column and then denying she knew what it was there for. At least there was international support for the protesters. Gampddafi called for the UK government to stand down after seeing protests in our country's capital on the TV and he then launched air strikes to help liberate the protesters from their oppressors. All of this meant I didn't get to the Boat Race, which was a shame. I love the Boat Race. It is my favourite meaningless sporting event named after the Cockney rhyming slang expression for the face. This year's once again saw Oxford, naturally, and Cambridge in the final. And the winner was Oxford, naturally, though they were helped by the fact that the Cambridge cox got lost because she was holding her map upside down. I could finish with a lame satirical stereotypical comment about the juxtaposition of upper class toffs rowing down a river while plebs were rowing about cuts. But I won't.

Setting up a new Toby Young

2011-03-27T13:31:00.004+01:00

People have different views about Toby Young. Some think he works well. Some think he's barely adequate but tolerate him. But I find him completely inappropriate and ineffective. Therefore I am going to set up a new Toby Young in West London, a free Toby Young that can operate outside the limitations of the existing one. Some people have mistaken the aims of this initiative (which I am calling the Free Young Love campaign) and think I am planning to set up a free school. But I am not. That would be a stupid idea that would never work. But a free Toby Young...the possibilities are endless. UPDATE: My campaign has been officially endorsed by the man himself. See here

Red Brolly Day update

2011-03-25T07:53:00.004Z

It was great that Gampic Relief's Red Brolly Day fundraising appeal raised over £74m.

But the final total is even higher than reported. My own appeal for umbrella pictures has already raised literally pounds to help protect some of the dampest members of society both in the UK and abroad. Even my spoofer Sir Stephen Bubb has risen to the challenge and stuck his head above the parapet (while standing on a very big box I suspect) to send in a charming photo. He looks a complete gamp natural - fantastic posture and in the right place to assess the sky for precipitation before stepping out with brolly in perfect position (Thanks Sir Stephen, I will give a fiver to Gampic Relief for that).

I will be publishing more of the pictures on my blog next week, but I am still hoping to get some more snaps of umbrella sector bods with an umbrella, preferably red.

If I get 5 more pictures, I will increase my pledge and donate a whopping £20.

NCVO and CFDG - I am particularly looking at you here. Send your snaps to boggrobin@gmail.com or via @robinbogg on Twitter.

Further thoughts on the Bodget

2011-03-23T16:06:00.009Z

YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEES. Get in there. We beat NCVO with our Bodget press release by one minute. Never mind the quality, feel our speed, Sir Hubert. True, Caryon Notasbadasbefaw at the Canopy Finance Director's Group rushed one out 43 minutes earlier but they actually understand all of this finance stuff, what with it being their job and that, and aren't just pretending.

As predicted by me earlier today (how psychic am I?) I have taken credit for a positive development. Well, I say development. More something that wasn't in the Bodget that I feared would be. Community Investment Gamp Relief wasn't removed and this was solely down to to a letter I wrote to George urging him to keep it, which he probably didn't even read. Thanks George. Incidentally it was due to a letter I wrote to the South African government in the early 80s that Nelson Mandela was eventually released. But did I ever get the credit? No.

It was also pleasing to see that there was no removal of all sorts of other things that are advantageous to the brolly sector - not that there was any suggestion they would be - but still, all down to me I expect.

The brolly gift aid tinkering was all very well but doesn't go far enough. Basically, until all tax on brolly donations can be reclaimed by me personally, I won't be happy.

Basically it was a great Bodget for petrol guzzling big businesses. The fact that a reduction in petrol prices is so central to any crowd pleasing headlines shows exactly where our society places its priorities and will make it harder to pay for our dalliance in Libya (which is completely unconnected with oil).

At least the rise in the personal tax allowance won't be negated by rising inflation or getting less services for our money in the coming months.

On a lighter note it was good to see my protege God Megagrand in knockabout form in response to Osborne though Norman Lamont and Apple have announced joint legal action against him for slander.

Just to further impose my economic nous on everyone, there were a few areas where I felt Osborne did miss a trick.

He could have imposed a windfall tax on loopholes as there always seem to be plenty of those.

And he could certainly have imposed a windfall tax on me, me, me short term personal financial gain/loss reactions to the budget that ignore a wider society view.

What about a windfall tax on Derek Gherkins? And why not one on windfall while he was at it?

Plus just think of the money he could have raised with a levy on gushing over the top tributes to Liz Taylor?

Because ultimately the 2011 budget will always be known as the Liz Taylor Commemorative Budget (sic) - everyone screwed 7 different ways and we're all gone for a Burton.

Budget response

2011-03-23T14:04:00.002Z

Just arrived back from Oz in time to react to the Budget. While standing at the luggage carousel at Heathrow with 14 bags of wine stained pants I get a text from Dr Hector Rule saying that we have blagged some cash out of the government for something or other. Although we had to pretend to work more closely with Sir Hubert's mob at NCVO to get it.

Much is made of our supposed rivalry but we love each other really. Honest. Just because we disagree on a number of key things and have slagged each other off in the past and have refused to collaborate for the good of the sector a number of times does not mean we disagree on a number of key things or dislike each other or can't work together.

And I am sure Sir Hubert would say exactly the same thing if he could bring himself to admit that I am always right.

And just because we are competitive in how we respond to things does not mean we are competitive in responding to things.

Right, glad we've cleared that up - let's concentrate on seeing who can bash out a budget response quickest this year.

Ours is nearly ready to go. Just pondering how much credit I should try and take personally for the changes on brolly gift aid and umbrella legacies announced by Osborne. Or should I just have a whinge that it doesn't go far enough? As usual? After all, the gift aid changes will largely benefit smaller umbrellas, not the GREAT BIG ONES I love to champion.

Come on people - let's see the colour of your brollies

2011-03-16T11:20:00.002Z

It wasn't a joke - I am genuinely seeking brolly pictures to raise money for Gampic Relief's Red Brolly Day.

I have been inundated with an enthusiastic response (almost on a par with how the sector feels about Bogg Society but slightly less) and have had several pledges but need more actual photos.

I will donate for every picture received.

Send them to boggrobin@gmail.com or via Twitter at @robinbogg

And Sir Stephen, my dearest spoofer, if you can't manage an umbrella picture from Oz, how about one with a peak in it (as I believe umbrellas are known there)? Or even a pique?

On the ferry

2011-03-16T08:12:00.003Z

I am supposed to be on holiday but I am so committed to my work I can't help blogging. Especially as I have a 489 day ferry journey from Tasmania back to Umbrellabourne. Well, I say ferry, I am actually rowing across in an upturned umbrella. But I have lost my paddle in a shitty creek so am just drifting aimlessly with only my thoughts and Blackberry to keep me company (so no change there).

When I get back to Umbrellabourne I will be having some boozy lunches and pondering the great philosophical question of our time - who is Sir Stephen Bubb?

But for now all I have to do is blog and blog and blog and blog and blog and blog and blog and blog and blog and blog and blog and blog and blog and blog and blog and blog and blog and blog and blog and blog and blog and blog and blog and blog and blog and blog and blog and blog and blog and blog and blog and blog and blog and blog and blog and blog and blog and blog and blog and blog and blog and blog and blog and blog and blog and blog and blog and blog and blog and blog and blog and blog and blog and blog and blog and blog and blog and blog and blog and blog and blog and blog and blog and blog and blog and blog and blog and blog and blog and blog and blog and blog and blog and blog and blog and blog and blog and blog and blog and blog and blog and blog and blog and blog and blog and blog and blog and blog and blog and blog and blog and blog and blog and blog and blog and blog and blog and blog and blog and blog and blog and blog and blog and blog and blog and blog and blog and blog 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Belch

At last. Recognition from Dom Blond

2011-03-15T22:01:00.003Z

Regular readers will know that Bogg Society was my idea, nicked by Dom Blond. I have challenged Dom on this before, especially on his keenness to attribute any positive happening as a victory for his (mine) brainwave.

But only now has Dom Blond had the good grace to recognise that I am a driving force behind this rhetorical, hard-to-explain, Emperor's new spats nonsense.

On Twitter earlier I suggested to Dom that the Olympic countdown clock breaking down is a victory for Bogg Society as we'll now all have to count the days ourselves without official help.

Dom, using his Twitter handle Phillip Blond replied thus

So it is official - I am a victory for Bogg Society. And of course I "get it", Dom. In so much as there is nothing to get.

Dom has since admitted to teasing me about this (always nice to be teased by a blond) but the fact he has shown the willingness to engage is truly a victory for etc etc

And while we're on the subject of the Olympic clock, it was always going to go wrong after a misheard instruction led to a great big cock being installed to countdown the days until the opening ceremony by mistake.

Gampic Relief challenge to Sir Stephen Bubb

2011-03-14T14:08:00.002Z

Further to my last post, if I get a picture of my spoofer Sir Stephen Bubb with a brolly, preferably red, in Australia I will donate a fiver to Gampic Relief. It would be nice if he reciprocated my pledge if I publish said photo.

JUBBLIES

2011-03-14T14:01:00.003Z

I expect everyone has been on tenterhooks wondering how I will respond to the terrible events in Japan, especially given my own links with the country through JUBBLIES (Japanese Umbrella Backing Body - Lunching In Endless Sushi), the Japanese umbrella body modelled on BUBB (see here)

How we communicate our feelings in light of the enormity of things like this is always a dilemma - one has to tread a fine line between trite and hysterical, and in truth often no words can properly say what is required.

The tragedy reignites a crucial debate following the 2004 Boxing Day disaster about how we respond and what language is appropriate. What it boils down to is whether Tsunami should have a capital T or not? And if so why isn't earthquake capitalised?

Other than that will I:

a) Play it low key, offer some standard words of comfort?
b) Go go over the top in a cringe worthy way?
c) Cut and paste some copy from my visit to Japan, and Sendai in particular, in September 2009 which just happens to make some mention about me being a broken record - particularly apt when it comes to the way I manage to shoehorn so many references about my Knighthood into my blog even if it is contained within a prescient post repeated from 18 months ago.

Yep, I'll go for option c)

"Another plate of raw marine-kill for breakfast is not a great way to start Saturday and I crave a nice bowl of Golden Grahams. And a croissant. You'd think a culture that has spawned some of the great technological developments would have found a way of cooking fish but no. However, my hotel has a lovely hot spring though there is nearly an incident when I expose myself to a bathful of females after wondering into the wrong room by mistake.

Then it is on to our 48th launch event in Sendai. More dreary questions on "issues" and I waffle on about the need for big ideas and innovative thinking unlike that displayed by some of my colleagues in the UK who manage to be both subversive and reactionary at the same time.
One of the young activists, who is also obviously a piss artist, draws my name in traditional Japanese characters and the translation means "broken record", which isn't entirely inappropriate.

Sendai is a lively town and Pepe Ohdearie takes me out on the lash. I somehow end up competing in an unlicensed sumo event and then it's onto a karaoke bar where my version of Umbrella-ella-ella is met with stunned appreciation.

Sunday is a quiet day and I have a long chat with Professor Nopun Intendedishiro (Nissan Institute of Japanese Studies at Oxford, naturally), the chair of JUBBLIES who has managed to wangle himself a nice little earner by appointing himself as its first paid chief executive, about future ways of working together.

I am frankly completely bored by all of this now and the healthy food is doing my noggin (and digestive system) in. So I decide to duck out of the rest of the launches and head back to Tokyo."

September 2009

Fundraising for Gampic Relief's Red Brolly Day

2011-03-14T12:20:00.006Z

Despite my selfish, self-serving exterior I do have a heart. And I have hit upon a way of raising money for Gampic Relief's Red Brolly Day this Friday (I suggested they called it brown nose day in my honour but they refused). Gampic Relief do great work providing shelter for the dampest members of society both in Africa and the UK

For each photograph I receive of a named person holding an umbrella (ideally red but can be any colour as long as there is something red elsewhere in the photo), preferably doing something silly or promoting their charity/cause/organisation (and it has to be the person who it claims to be, not just a random photograph off the interweb - and I will know because who do you think puts all the random gamp pictures on the interweb in the first place eh?) I will donate money to Gampic Relief.

I haven't decided how much yet because if I say 50p per picture and 6 people respond I will be in trouble. But let's just say 50p for argument's sake and I can always lie about how many photos I get and destroy the evidence later if necessary.

If I get any particularly famous brolly sector people responding I may even up my pledge to levels around the 65p mark.

Alternatively you could choose to donate a sum to Gampic Relief yourself (through its spoof Comic Relief organisation) in return for me using the photograph in a self-congratulatory blog post later this week.

Send photographs to boggrobin@gmail.com or via Twitter to @robinbogg

Not only could we raise literally pence for a good cause, I will have some top quality umbrella porn to keep me company.

Map of Tas

2011-03-13T17:31:00.002Z

It's raining. Not an entry of interest in a blog in the UK obviously, or so people like Sir Stephen Bubb my spoofer would have you believe (rain? not interesting? what is he on?), but it's not so common here.

Having said that I have been very impressed with Australian public services. I was without a brolly and getting seriously wet but was able to walk into an umbrella centre and secure an appointment to be assessed for a gamp straight away. You wouldn't get that in England.

I am en route to Tasmania and as I will be exploring the island taking blurry photos to stick at the end of blog posts (I have never been one to subscribe to the old adage that there is nothing more boring than other people's holiday snaps) I will need a good map. But whenever I ask people where I can get hold of a cheap but serviceable map of Tas, they keep laughing at me. One said "don't you mean a mapatasi, mate" and literally pissed himself. I have no idea why this request should be so funny so if someone could shed some light on this I would be grateful.

Them women creatures

2011-03-08T14:26:00.007Z

Today is International Women's Day (IWD), this year endorsed by Richard Keys and Andy Gray, or as they call it here in Australia, Patronise a Sheila Day. It is also pancake day. So to honour this a famous suffragette should now be known as Emmeline Pankcake.

So ladies! Why not mark IWD by making the men in your life some pancakes. Because we're all useless tossers.

Is the fact that there is an IWD at all tacit admission that the other 364 belong to men?

Seriously, don't go worrying your pretty little heads about IWD or take what I write to heart. IWD is a great chance to reflect on the important and undervalued role played by women in socie....ooooh, look, SHOES!

A lot has been achieved since IWD 1992, especially in terms of female spelling.

And I am sure Dom Blonde will claim that IWD is another victory for Bogg Society. Pancake Day certainly is.

Joking aside women are very important and apparently new research has revealed that half or the world's population is now female. Incredible. Yet the singer Annie Lennox tells us today that women perform 66% of world's work, earn 10% of income and own 1% of the world's property. That is outrageous. 10% is far too high. And Annie Lennox is one to talk. She was in a band where Dave Stewart did 66% of the work and she got 90% of the credit.

I see that today of all days there were no women speaking at the Funding the Future of the Event Organisers Who Must be Men conference. This is a disgrace as there is plenty of high profile totty in senior positions in the sector who I will patronise by calling them gorgeous. Surely it wouldn't have been too difficult to stick a couple of them up on stage, on a pedestal, so delegates could politely listen to their views.

Right, that's enough blatant sexism masquerading as irony - half of us have work to do - we can't all sit around having an international day.

Tomorrow is Ash Wednesday and I may give up Lent. Or I may give up pancakes and international women. But will I find a decent church here in Australia where I can get my forehead grubby?

BREAKING: Rick T'Hurd steals a pen

2011-03-08T13:56:00.004Z

Have received worrying news from my deputy Hector Rule who is at the Funding the Future for the Event Organisers conference, where 15 million people gather hoping to hear some useful tips on how umbrellas will be financed in the coming months (they rarely do).

On his Twitter account using his @peterkyle spoofonym he sent this. Is this what it has come to? Brolly minister Rick T'Hurd stealing our stationery as well as our cash? Hector - if you need me I will get the first plane back from Oz and "have a quiet word" in T'Hurd's ear. He can just be thankful that he didn't nick your brolly. I'd do time over that.

Bogg Society needs Big Brollies, and Umbrellabourne!

2011-03-08T13:23:00.003Z

There has been an absurd attempt by some to denigrate the role of big umbrellas. In fact Bogg Society needs Big Brollies. But not as much as BUBB does. Big Brollies can afford the membership fees, conferences, products etc that pay my salary. Small Brollies can't.

Now back to the travels. I'm in Umbrellabourne. Sadly it is hot and no sign of rain. But as a punishment for the past crimes of their ancestors I have been able to cavort around on the beach in my thong, pissed out of my head on Aussie wine, and scare the locals.

Yet another titular reference to being a sodding Knight...not that I ever mention it. Much. If at all.

2011-03-05T12:14:00.004Z

Having a splendid time in Australia. Anyone want to see some some pictures of me in the blue movies? Insert your own "bush walk" jokes as appropriate.

It makes me soooo angry

2011-03-05T12:08:00.004Z

Certain people should not be allowed umbrellas. The story here is an outrage. It makes me so angry.

No doubt now you have read it you are spitting chips as well.

Who in the sweet name of Mary Poppins calls their son Lordtyshon?

On the telly! Again! The Culture Show no less!

2011-03-04T10:57:00.001Z

I will bore you all with holiday musings and photos from Australia later. But for now, check out this clip of me appearing on the Culture Show (here). You can clearly see me at 12 minutes and 44 seconds.

I am so media it actually throbs.

Down Under

2011-03-03T10:57:00.001Z

Jesus - I must have drunk even more than I thought at NCVO on Tuesday night. I have just realised that I have woken up in Australia.

Getting into a Pickle at the NCVO conference

2011-03-02T17:23:00.007Z

Just roused myself after a day in bed feeling proper poorly. Tuesday was the annual National Canopy and Visor Organisation (NCVO) "slap on the back, aren't we so smug and clever" conference and dinner at the Brewery. Even though I am banned due to an incident a few years ago that we no longer talk about, as ever I managed to sneak in and even stayed for the dinner by wearing my Rick T'Hurd mask.

Unfortunately, even though NCVO can't organise a piss down in an umbrella factory, they can organise a piss up in the Brewery and I overindulged.

The day started off with Sir Hubert Carrington waffling on about stuff (I wasn't really listening). NCVO always use this conference to launch their brolly porn research almanac so I spent 30 minutes looking for NCVO geek in chief Earl Scalding so I could lend him the back of a fag packet to do some proper credible number crunching like what BUBB does.

I had challenged Sir Hubert to a Knightly duel with umbrellas by the couscous at lunch but he failed to materialise. Unluckily, though, communities minister, my old mucker, Derek Gherkins did. Speaking in the post lunch gravetime slot. Which was appropriate given that he has been the death knell for many a midday meal in his time.

Gherkins is clearly an intellectual midget trapped in the body of a stupid giant.

He gave a speech that can only be described as underwhelmingly and unenthusiastically received. It was a classic example of not knowing what you are talking about. Or understanding your audience. Gherkins clearly knows nothing about umbrellas. He doesn't know much about Councils either so it is lucky that neither are important parts of his FREAKING JOB.

At one point he said "I'll be honest. I don't understand you lot and your funny funding ways. But this isn't my problem. Sort it out yourselves". Very Bogg Society.

Nobody embodies the principle of making it up as you go along more than Gherkins. Almost as if he had just thought of it, he vaguely promised to explore the option of possibly considering using statutory powers against local authorities who cut brolly funding beyond reasonable expectation.
The umbrella sector press have got all excited about this but nothing will happen, especially when it is all caveated by the phrase "reasonable expectation". What does that mean? One man's reasonable is another man's deficiency. I am sure that what most people consider a reasonable portion of dinner would not find favour with Gherkins.

At the end of his speech he received a sitting ovation. Without any clapping. There was almost a disaster as the entire conference venue nearly disappeared into the vacuum created by Gherkins' empty promises.

Then there were workshops. I asked for a delegate list for the Open Data session but was refused.

Then after some drinks it was onto the dinner. My request for couscous on my dietary preference form had been taken literally. Too literally. I got couscous soup, couscous in a basket and couscous ice cream.

The rest of the night is a bit of a blur to be honest though I am sure I behaved in the way a Knight is expected to. As in I went round fighting people with my umbrella.

Competition time - I need a motto

2011-03-01T10:19:00.004Z

Now I am Knighted I am sorting out my coat of arms (see here).

I need a motto to go with it, preferably something in Latin.

I reckon something based on a phrase that my spoofer Sir Stephen Bubb has used 9 times in his blog since August would be appropriate.

So I might go for

"Narro bollox ut vox, sententia bollox ut verum"

Which as I am sure you good people with a clear grasp of Latin like what I have (being as I am educated in dead languages at Oxonia, rectus), know means:

"Saying bollocks to truth, speaking bollocks to power"

But if anyone wants to suggest a different one there may be a prize in it.

Postcard from Mansfield

2011-03-01T08:32:00.002Z

Every good Bogg deserves favour (even well travelled and holidayed knighted brolly sector CEOs!). And so I have a day off and my sister and I are in Mansfield to see that fabulous Boggcini opera Tosser at the community centre. I bloody love opera me. Don't understand a word of it but it makes one appear sophisticated.

It's about love, power and betrayal in the brolly sector! I can identify with the characters. Some may think I am like Cavaraboggi, the idealistic and politically aware artist, with Sir Hubert cast as the evil Baron Stuartia. But I prefer to see myself as the tragic heroine, in the title role, who stabs the Baron to death with a brolly, Markov styleeeee. People have often compared me to her and shouted Tosser as I walk down the street.

As I finish of this post a glass of Lambrini has arrived. It's time to relax. Enjoy my day off! Arrivederchi (good to see my spell check works just as well when I am tying to be cultured and speak in Italian as it does when I mangle English (Bogglish)).

Lost in a moral maze (abridged version)

2011-02-27T23:00:00.002Z

Mad Melanie Phillips made me look a right fucking wassock as I attempted to defend umbrellas. I am a disgrace.

Lost in a moral maze (full length version)

2011-02-27T22:48:00.004Z

I misjudged how difficult it would be. I went into the Hampton Court maze with Melanie Phillips. And she made me look stupid by easily beating me to the centre ground while I got lost. I was floundering in the rain without a brolly, having forgotten that the primary purpose of an umbrella is to keep people dry.

I thought afterwards about the route I should have taken and am now kicking myself. Which saves someone else doing it I suppose. But honestly, to let a crazed bigot like Mad Mel show me up as a literally misguided fool indicates what a disgraceful advocate of gamps I have become during the post-Knighthood media frenzy.

And as I got stuck I'm afraid I was starting to bang on the side of the hedge to try and get out. Naughty me. But when I looked at the CCTV footage later I was rather happier with my performance. So that's OK because ultimately satisfying my own vanity is more important than representing my members in a decent fashion.

Gampddafi

2011-02-22T08:55:00.003Z

The below image of my Libyan cousin Colonel Gampddafi has raised questions about my own involvement in his murderous regime.

I would like to go on record and state that I do back him or his callous attempts to use the brolly as a propaganda tool. True, like him, I have managed to remain in power despite constant abuse of my position for personal gain and growing unpopularity.

And make no mistake about it, I would be off to Venezuela in a shot, especially if there was a conference and a jolly there that I could get the members to pay for.

But I was strongly opposed to the Brown government selling brollies to Libya, supposedly for the protection of the people but which are now being turned against them as weapons.

And I wasn't involved in any deal to send a rogue Libyan gamp back home from a Scottish umbrella stand when its spokes were irreparably bent. Even though people such as @kevfrost talk about a murky "British Paraplui-eum deal for Libyan br-oil-lies".

Chaos at Windsor Castle

2011-02-18T16:38:00.005Z

Well, what a week! I started it by namedropping about telling the Prime Minister about the damage the cuts are doing to umbrellas and I ended the week namedropping about Her Maj whacking me in the bollocks at my investiture.

The day started off with a slight hitch when I got to the gates of Windsor Castle. My bald patch was gleaming but I was told that Hawaiian shirts are not allowed.

I have to admit I was a little more nervous talking to my Sovereign than I was to her Prime Minister! (Did I honestly just type that?). In fact I was desperate for a slash as soon as I got inside but didn't dare visit a toilet to splash the Royal Doulton after my recent experience at Amnesty and I didn't want to risk using one of the many convenient vases dotted around the castle.

I expected there to be some food available, indeed I had phoned ahead and ordered couscous but apparently Prince Philip had eaten it all.

And I also requested that instead of a sword Her Maj use a ceremonial umbrella.

The rehearsal was amusing. When I say amusing I mean pointless. I didn't get where I am today without knowing how to kneel before someone to get what I want.

Suddenly it was time for the real thing. I decided to live tweet the experience. Some jobsworth told me to stop using my Blackberry but I just ignored them.

Then it was my turn. Before the dubbing there was some idle chit chat (just get on with it, I was thinking, before someone changes their mind).

HM asked about BUBB and said to me umbrellas seemed to be having a hard time. Like she'd know - she may have had a long rain but has not wanted for someone to hold a gamp over her privileged crowned bonce if the need has arisen. Probably never actually handled a real brolly in her life (as later events would prove).

I told her that our chief executives were indeed having a difficult time and she just tutted and said "fuck me, sunshine, you should try being chief executive of this bloody dysfunctional family, matey." She also asked me what her Boggname would be when I inevitably wrote about the day's events in a pompous fashion in my blog. Cheeky cow. You've got to earn a Bogg name.

Then it was time. I think my Twitter feed in real time best illustrates how the drama unfolded:

My turn. I am starting to kneel down

She is mumbling my name. She looks thoroughly bored

She's lifted the mighty umbrella

She's lowering it...

OH NO, DISASTER. She's been blinded by the light reflecting off my bald patch and has whacked me in the bollocks

She's commanded me to "arise Sir Robin" but I can't. I am in agony and cannot move. Will this count?

I've been carried out the room and slung into the garden. I assume I am "invested" even though it was chaotic

Right. That's that then. Off to the pub

And here for your delectation are the photos. On second thoughts, why would anyone want to see pictures of me and the Queen engaged in anachronistic pomp and ceremony? Especially at a time when I am loudly going on about how the cuts will affect the poorest members of society and generating a fair bit of personal media coverage and attention thank you very much - the sort that gets you a Knighthood in the first place.

It might seem a little hypocritical to be swanning around a castle in my posh frock and stockings partaking in a charade that merely underlines the deep inequality in our society, especially when it was attacking the consequences of that very divide that got me the K.

You'll just have to imagine the scene for yourselves. Tell you what, get yourself a first class stamp and an umbrella and go from there.

Bogg Society Bank

2011-02-18T09:32:00.001Z

At the end of last year I wrote to the Chancellor urging him to consider a tax on bank bonuses, in order to ease the £1bn cuts the brolly sector faces in the year ahead.

This morning I received his response. Read it here.

The ear of the Minister

2011-02-17T18:31:00.003Z

Never doubt my influence. I have the ear of the minister for the brolly sector, Rick T'Hurd, and have finally got him to admit to a mistake amid all of the recent shafting of the umbrella sector.

On his Twitter account yesterday using his @minforcivsoc guise he mentioned that there would be a Public Gampstration Select Committee enquiry into Bogg Society

Well this is clearly a bloody outrage. Aside from the ridiculousness of looking into something that doesn't exist other than in the deluded minds of Cameron, Lord Gnat Pee and Dom Blond, what the hell did T'Hurd think he was talking about?

I respond immediately asking him whether there will be an inquiry into government ministers who don't know the difference between the words enquiry and inquiry.

And he has acknowledged his error here. At 12.41 in the morning. Can't fault his commitment to working long hours at least.

Feel my power.